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I'm not sure what the story is with your other daughter, but if you are treating the kids different and one is doing what you want and the other isn't, maybe you ought to consider what impact that different treatment has had on that outcome. If they are both living in the same home, seeing your brother or sister treated in what could be seen as a better manner by your parents will impact your motivation to perform the way your parents want, for good or bad. When talking about her lack of motivation and what you can do to improve it, you can't dismiss that she might think she can't ever do as well as her sister in your eyes, so why bother.
Actually, when it comes to money matters I haven't treated them differently. I have however gotten totally different results because they are who they are. With her sister, giving her responsibility for earning money and taking care of her needs resulted in her being responsible. For her, it resulted in her thinking someone else should be responsible. They are different people. She, apparently, saw this as us paying for what she needed whereas her sister saw it as working for what she needed.
What we did for both girls is set up a chore chart that allowed them to earn spending money. They were responsible for things like buying lunches if they wanted to buy lunch (they could always pack) and taking care of their own entertainment as well as extras they might want. For example, if they wanted to rent a movie they had to pay for the movie. The rules were the same for both of them. The results however are worlds apart.
As I said before. You can't win for losing here. If you treat them the same and get different results you should have treated them differently if you treat them differently, it's your fault for treating them differently. You lose either way.
That has not been spelled out. Dh issued the ultimatum without consulting me. He says he'll get to that in three weeks,though she has been told that her continued use of our car depends on her getting a job. I'm not sure how much motivation that is though given she doesn't go anywhere without her boyfriend and he has a car.
Honestly, I think the only real threat is throwing her out but if we make that threat we have to make good on it. She has about $5K in savings bonds (bought by us and relatives over the years) she can use to set up an apartment and then she's on her own. It's not how I'd like to see her spend that money but it may be the only real option as I think she's going to have to get out on her own to learn the value of a dollar and the value of having a job.
Quote:
Originally Posted by steelstress
Car privileges will be revoked (supposedly).
She's only allowed to use the car to get to school, which she doesn't seem to care much about. All that would probably result in is her dropping her 2 remaining classes.
Not to mention that she is supposedly only allowed to drive to and from school anyway and she's already announced she won't be attending school at all over the summer.
That's why I don't think loss of the car is a big deal for her. She's only supposed to use it to go to and from school. She does use it more but dh won't put his foot down here. He's always babied her. That's part of her problem. Daddy always gives in. For example, she was supposed to pay for her own books and supplies for school. While she doesn't have a job, she does have about $5K in savings bonds. I made her buy her own books in the fall. Dh bought them for her in the winter even though we had agreed she had to do that much. It's not like she can't buy them. She has enough in bonds to pay for her books for a few semesters even without a job. I told him the other day that it's time to make her pay her own tuition (it's CC so it's cheap) because she has those bonds. He said "We'll see", which means daddy will pay her tuition in the fall...and probably buy her books...or her boyfriend will... Dh has already declared he won't pay for any of dd#2's college. In fact he's told her that she has to pay him back for her AP tests if she doesn't get at least 4's. You guys seem to be under the impression that more is expected of dd#1. It's the other way around by a mile. The only thing I can say was exactly the same was the allowance situation. They both had the same opportunity to earn money and the same requirement to manage their money. Interestingly, dd#1 did a better job of saving than dd#2 early on but she's blown through her savings and her graduation money. Dd#2 is now saving for a car so she's doing a pretty good job. She wants to buy one as soon as she finishes her freshman year in college (she won't be allowed to have a car on campus where she's going her freshman year and she'll only be 17 anyway so she can't legally own one then.).
A huge part of DD1's problem is having parents who aren't on the same page.
Yep. And parents who actively and purposefully counteract each other.
If DH is saying he won't pay for DD2's college, and Ivory is saying DD2 will live on campus somewhere, how is that happening? In previous posts, Ivory indicates both girls have college funds and the plan has been for them to fund their colleges. If this has changed, I'm wondering what caused that change. Guessing there is more to it that DH just, out of the blue, changed his mind. Is Ivory planning on funneling funds to DD2 so that she can go away to school - thus undermining DH and doing the very same thing she is annoyed at him for doing? And setting up DD2 to ignore anything DH says and just approach Ivory - exactly the same as DD1 seems to do to get her way....
That's why I don't think loss of the car is a big deal for her. She's only supposed to use it to go to and from school. She does use it more but dh won't put his foot down here. He's always babied her. That's part of her problem. Daddy always gives in. For example, she was supposed to pay for her own books and supplies for school. While she doesn't have a job, she does have about $5K in savings bonds. I made her buy her own books in the fall. Dh bought them for her in the winter even though we had agreed she had to do that much. It's not like she can't buy them. She has enough in bonds to pay for her books for a few semesters even without a job. I told him the other day that it's time to make her pay her own tuition (it's CC so it's cheap) because she has those bonds. He said "We'll see", which means daddy will pay her tuition in the fall...and probably buy her books...or her boyfriend will... Dh has already declared he won't pay for any of dd#2's college. In fact he's told her that she has to pay him back for her AP tests if she doesn't get at least 4's. You guys seem to be under the impression that more is expected of dd#1. It's the other way around by a mile. The only thing I can say was exactly the same was the allowance situation. They both had the same opportunity to earn money and the same requirement to manage their money. Interestingly, dd#1 did a better job of saving than dd#2 early on but she's blown through her savings and her graduation money. Dd#2 is now saving for a car so she's doing a pretty good job. She wants to buy one as soon as she finishes her freshman year in college (she won't be allowed to have a car on campus where she's going her freshman year and she'll only be 17 anyway so she can't legally own one then.).
Here's the thing - people are focusing on the difference in the way you treat DD1 and DD2 because you are constantly raving about DD2 and giving her behavior glowing reviews even though she assaulted a police officer, she has her own serious entitlement issues, and there are, at the very least, substantial warning signs that she's developing a serious drinking problem.
I have a question - there is no money to send DD1 away to college, but there is to send DD2? If so, that's very telling.
If DH is saying he won't pay for DD2's college, and Ivory is saying DD2 will live on campus somewhere, how is that happening? In previous posts, Ivory indicates both girls have college funds and the plan has been for them to fund their colleges. If this has changed, I'm wondering what caused that change. Guessing there is more to it that DH just, out of the blue, changed his mind. Is Ivory planning on funneling funds to DD2 so that she can go away to school - thus undermining DH and doing the very same thing she is annoyed at him for doing? And setting up DD2 to ignore anything DH says and just approach Ivory - exactly the same as DD1 seems to do to get her way....
I wonder if DD1's college fund is being given to DD2?
I wonder if DD1's college fund is being given to DD2?
I doubt even Ivory would do that. If I recall though, DD2 was receiving Social Security payments as a minor who's father is retired. Those payments were going 100 percent into DD2's college fund, with no adjustment by Ivory and DH in their contributions to either girls funds to equalize the funds. Ivory's reasoning was that the government intended for DD2 to have extra funds, not DD1.
That's why I don't think loss of the car is a big deal for her. She's only supposed to use it to go to and from school. She does use it more but dh won't put his foot down here. He's always babied her. That's part of her problem. Daddy always gives in. For example, she was supposed to pay for her own books and supplies for school. While she doesn't have a job, she does have about $5K in savings bonds. I made her buy her own books in the fall. Dh bought them for her in the winter even though we had agreed she had to do that much. It's not like she can't buy them. She has enough in bonds to pay for her books for a few semesters even without a job. I told him the other day that it's time to make her pay her own tuition (it's CC so it's cheap) because she has those bonds. He said "We'll see", which means daddy will pay her tuition in the fall...and probably buy her books...or her boyfriend will... Dh has already declared he won't pay for any of dd#2's college. In fact he's told her that she has to pay him back for her AP tests if she doesn't get at least 4's. You guys seem to be under the impression that more is expected of dd#1. It's the other way around by a mile. The only thing I can say was exactly the same was the allowance situation. They both had the same opportunity to earn money and the same requirement to manage their money. Interestingly, dd#1 did a better job of saving than dd#2 early on but she's blown through her savings and her graduation money. Dd#2 is now saving for a car so she's doing a pretty good job. She wants to buy one as soon as she finishes her freshman year in college (she won't be allowed to have a car on campus where she's going her freshman year and she'll only be 17 anyway so she can't legally own one then.).
You can't blame all this on your husband. You are her parent too. Why don't YOU put your foot down?
A huge part of DD1's problem is having parents who aren't on the same page.
Bingo.
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