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Futile in the fact that you and your husband haven't and most likely won't do anything. You just keep talking, talking, talking, and then talk some more, here, not with your daughter. It's now been what... almost 500 posts, and still no news of a discussion with your daughter.
And yes, I'm saying there is nothing you can do to get her to get a job, except force her into a position to hopefully make her see she'll need one. Based on what you've said about her, you'll have to force her out of your house. She'll never get out on her own because you "force" her to. Count on it.
All the savings bonds in the world will do NOTHING to help her get a place of her own without a decent credit report, paycheck, and most likely, a co-signor. Don't let the bonds go to waste. And certainly don't hand them to her.
How much time will you give her to comply? Really? You have to ask here???? Why is it you don't have the answer??????????????????
As for finding a balance, forget it. You would only get that if she were a reasonable person. And she's not. So, you either keep her on your couch on your dime, or push her into a situation that'll force her to be responsible. Take your pick, she won't do both. And just because she may not go to school now doesn't mean she won't later in life. It doesn't matter if you think she needs an education... it matters that she thinks that.
You can't force her into anything but a tenant relationship with you. I suggest you do that and let her work out the details.
You need to have a "come to Jesus" with her and your husband. You need to ask what her plans for the future are, and ask how she thinks she's going to get there. You need to specify exactly what you are willing to give and exactly what she has to do to earn it. She needs some realistic goals. I get the feeling you all are just drifting along right now with no clue where she is going.
I disagree with most people here in that I don't think kicking her out immediately is necessary. I think helping her through school is fine, but she needs to actually be going to school in order for you to do that. Have a meeting without any distractions. If she wants to go to college, then tell her she needs to have a part time job, she needs to take a minimum of 12 units at a time and finish them with a C or better. Tell her if she fails to do that, she will have 30 days to move out. Start charging her rent, if you think it will help. Take it semester by semester. If she drops classes or quits her job (assuming she gets one), then kick her out. You will have given her a chance at that point, and her choices and the consequences will be on her.
I think this is good advice. Thanks.
I do not want to kick her out immediately as I want her in school in the fall. I'm not willing to give up on college just yet and I think kicking her out will result in that. I like the idea of giving her conditions under which she can stay that include being in school full time in the fall and maintaining her grades. I'm just not sure how to handle motivating her to get a job this summer. I feel like I have no leverage since her boyfriend supplies what we don't. Even with him supplying what we don't I don't get her not wanting to earn her own money. However, keeping her in school is the number 1 priority. If she continues to drop classes and doesn't make the grade, she'll be done and on her own to pay for college if she goes back. Maybe it's foolish to throw good money after bad but I'm just not ready to give up on college for her. I don't think she has much of a future without an education.
I do not want to kick her out immediately as I want her in school in the fall. I'm not willing to give up on college just yet and I think kicking her out will result in that. I like the idea of giving her conditions under which she can stay that include being in school full time in the fall and maintaining her grades. I'm just not sure how to handle motivating her to get a job this summer. I feel like I have no leverage since her boyfriend supplies what we don't. Even with him supplying what we don't I don't get her not wanting to earn her own money. However, keeping her in school is the number 1 priority. If she continues to drop classes and doesn't make the grade, she'll be done and on her own to pay for college if she goes back. Maybe it's foolish to throw good money after bad but I'm just not ready to give up on college for her. I don't think she has much of a future without an education.
I know I could not bring myself to toss out a 19 yr old, unless criminal activity was involved. I get it.
Maybe it's time to just sit back, stop stressing yourself out, and let the boyfriend support her while she lives at home. Just be careful not to acknowledge that her money is coming from him. There's no reason to give him credit for something you don't approve of.
Sit down with her, tell her college is important , for her sake. Give her your expectations of how she should be contributing to the household, and let the rest go. Because, frankly, it isn't going to change until she wants it to.
Stan4; Thank you for your post- that is the perfect comment which Ivory hasn't figured out yet.
Ivory, almost three weeks and 50 pages of comments and nothing has changed.
What your daughter doesn't want ---- to go to school, to have a job,
What she does want---- a boyfriend, baby clothes, you to provide a roof over her head,
She already signed up for a classes last year, then dropped them, costing you money. What makes you think anything has changed in her thinking ? When are you going to have that sit down with her, find out what she wants from life and how she plans on getting it. Then let her know just where you and your hubby stand in her life.
I do not want to kick her out immediately as I want her in school in the fall. I'm not willing to give up on college just yet and I think kicking her out will result in that. I like the idea of giving her conditions under which she can stay that include being in school full time in the fall and maintaining her grades. I'm just not sure how to handle motivating her to get a job this summer. I feel like I have no leverage since her boyfriend supplies what we don't. Even with him supplying what we don't I don't get her not wanting to earn her own money. However, keeping her in school is the number 1 priority. If she continues to drop classes and doesn't make the grade, she'll be done and on her own to pay for college if she goes back. Maybe it's foolish to throw good money after bad but I'm just not ready to give up on college for her. I don't think she has much of a future without an education.
Make it a condition of her living in your house. Work experience will help her in the future same as college will. You are trying to prepare her for the future and work experience is part of that. If she doesn't have a job by her 3 week deadline, give her 30 days to get one or be out of your house.
I think it is going to come to that. What happens to girls on the street isn't pretty though. I just hope we can live with whatever happens. Right now she's packing to leave becauseher dad gave her 3 weeks to find a job. She says she's been applying but hasn't had job offers. She's refusing to go see her cousin who places college students in temporary jobs because she wants to do it on her own.
Ivory, on April 21 (two weeks ago) you made the above post.
Do you know for sure that DD has really applied for even one job? Or has she just said that she has been applying?
Has DD talked with her cousin about getting a job?
Has her dad decided on what the consequences will be if she does not get a job in three weeks (May 11)?
Last edited by germaine2626; 05-04-2014 at 06:56 PM..
I think there is a ton of drama in this house - and a lot probably doesn't need to be there.
This girl is 19, right? So you can't really tell her what to do, but you can make conditions for her being under your roof. It's that simple. No mess, no drama, no dragging it out for weeks and weeks and months and months. Either except her for who she is or ask her to leave. Then take a deep breath and move on with your life.
This may seem too simplistic, but you need a BIG dose of simplicity.
Actually, I disagree with that. 15 credits is a lot of classes, and working 20 hours on top of that would be difficult enough that she'd probably fail or at least not do well in school. I think it's asking too much. I'm not saying people don't do it, just that it's hard, and this is someone who apparently can barely handle 7 credits and no job. Maybe be happy if she just takes 15 credits and makes progress towards graduation. Or maybe she should take some time off and work as a vet tech or something similar - I'm pretty sure she won't get into vet school as things are, but in any case, being a vet is kind of like being a firefighter - everyone wants to do it when they are young and don't actually know what the job is really like. If she were serious about being a vet, then she would at least be volunteering at a shelter or something similar so that she could get some animal handling experience.
I realize even getting that would be pretty amazing right now. Sounds like she really needs some growing up. I doubt it's your fault she's like this - my parents were also hard workers, my mom especially, but seeing how hard they worked actually had the opposite effect on me and my siblings. We never wanted our lives to be that hard. Anyway, lots of people are in the same boat as you, and I wish I had better advice. Just hang in there and hope for the best - maybe if she could talk to someone else? Sounds like she isn't at the point where anything you say will make a difference - she's clearly tuning you out. I think she'll grow out it of someday (I did), but for now maybe a therapist - for you, if not her.
Baloney. I did that, and yes, it was hard, but when things aren't handed to you, (such as free room and board), you learn that it's a whole lot easier than NOT doing it. I also didn't have a car to tote myself around. I had to take the bus to school, from school to work, from work to home. That took up even MORE of my day. She can do it, she just doesn't have the motivation to do it because she doesn't HAVE to do it, right now.
Maybe that young lady needs to learn that.
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