Serious issue with my 11yo daughter (punish, teens, babies, parents)
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I am a single (widower) 35 yo father. I lost my wife 8 years ago in a car accident and since then I am raising my little girl alone. I am not exactly rich but tried my hardest so she wont miss anything. I admit I maybe spoiled her some because I could never bring my self to say no to her. We always had a healthy though a bit distant realationship. We never had common activities such as playing Playstation together or even going vacations together. I would always sent her to a summercamp so she could be with kids her age.Ofcourse she has my attention when it comes to issues like her friends at school, her periods that started this January, her education etc. But the last 3-4 months (little after she turned 11) she started wanting to be close to me. And I mean very close..She will sit on lap,sneak in my bed at night, dressinginappropriatly at home (while she never even remotely does that when out) I even caught her spying on me when I was showering. Seriously I am in areally desperate position of how to deal with her behaviour. I would love to explain to her that what she is doing is VERY wrrong but I dont want to jump to conclusions neither make her feel bad. Please any suggestion of how to approach her would be really really helpful. So far the "pretend nothing is happenning till she stops" plan doesnt work for me....
1. Tell her she's too big to sit on your lap.
2. Tell her to dress appropriately at home.
3. Tell her to respect your privacy when you're in the bathroom or bedroom.
Already done that...And she still keeps doing it.If it was just a matter of asking her not to do it I wouldnt been here asking for advice. And I dont want to punish her. But I want to to find the reason of that behavior so I can solve the problem
1. Tell her she's too big to sit on your lap.
2. Tell her to dress appropriately at home.
3. Tell her to respect your privacy when you're in the bathroom or bedroom.
Seems easy enough to me.
Great answer.
Also, use the locks on the bathroom & bedroom doors.
If this is for real (sorry OP, 1st time posters with unusual problems will always be viewed warily), then you just need to parent her in the same way you would if her mother was still around, with love and age appropriate boundaries.
Send her back to her bed, tell her no to the lap, and for heaven's sake, lock the bathroom door.
She may have questions about sex that she is trying to figure out without actually asking you. Is there a woman in her life that might be available for a lunch chat?
If this is for real (sorry OP, 1st time posters with unusual problems will always be viewed warily), then you just need to parent her in the same way you would if her mother was still around, with love and age appropriate boundaries.
Send her back to her bed, tell her no to the lap, and for heaven's sake, lock the bathroom door.
She may have questions about sex that she is trying to figure out without actually asking you. Is there a woman in her life that might be available for a lunch chat?
Be firm and set boundaries (and lock the bedroom & bathroom doors).
As Mattie wrote, she may be curious about sex and unsure of how to talk to you about it.
At age 11 she has either started puberty or will very soon and that is a good time to talk to a favorite aunt, grandmother or an adult female friend of the family about "becoming a woman".
Addition: I just noticed that she already started her period so she is already well into puberty.
On the chance that she may be very immature and naïve you don't want to risk her telling someone that "I was in bed with Daddy" or "I saw Daddy's wiener" or something similar and you end in in jail.
Last edited by germaine2626; 06-07-2014 at 12:50 PM..
Reason: added an addition
And yes locking the doors (we never lock for safety reasons..what if someone slipps in the bathroom or something similar) will surely stop her from doing what she does but I am worried about the underlying cause.
"then you just need to parent her in the same way you would if her mother was still around" I do just that.. At least I thought that I was doing that..I cant replace her completely..There are some things that only mothers can do.
Isnt she way too young to have questions about sex? I was 13-14 before I knew what sex is
Unfortunately she isnt close enough with a female family member to have such conversation. But I think thats a good idea. I will try to arrange it so she will stay with my cousin for few days. (Schools are out for the summer). I hope that she can connect with her.
And yes locking the doors (we never lock for safety reasons..what if someone slipps in the bathroom or something similar) will surely stop her from doing what she does but I am worried about the underlying cause.
"then you just need to parent her in the same way you would if her mother was still around" I do just that.. At least I thought that I was doing that..I cant replace her completely..There are some things that only mothers can do.
Isnt she way too young to have questions about sex? I was 13-14 before I knew what sex is
Unfortunately she isnt close enough with a female family member to have such conversation. But I think thats a good idea. I will try to arrange it so she will stay with my cousin for few days. (Schools are out for the summer). I hope that she can connect with her.
She's ELEVEN years old, has even started her period, yet you think she's "too young" to have questions about sex?
If you've never bothered to have that discussion with her, then I can see why she's behaving the way she is.
And yes locking the doors (we never lock for safety reasons..what if someone slipps in the bathroom or something similar) will surely stop her from doing what she does but I am worried about the underlying cause.
"then you just need to parent her in the same way you would if her mother was still around" I do just that.. At least I thought that I was doing that..I cant replace her completely..There are some things that only mothers can do.
Isnt she way too young to have questions about sex? I was 13-14 before I knew what sex is
Sorry to burst your bubble but today 13-14 to way to old to start to discuss sexual matters with a child. Some teens, thankfully not a huge percentage are having sex (and babies) by that age.
Most parents start to discuss the basics of sex, at an age appropriate level, by early elementary school level. A few girls are already starting to menstruate at age 9. Many schools (who used to show the "becoming a woman" and "becoming a man" films in 5th or 6th grade now do it in 4th grade because sexual maturity is coming at younger ages.
Its not about "being bothered". I dont know how things are in USA but in Greece dads dont usually have such conversations with their 11 yo daughters. I wouldnt even know how to start such conversation. She knows of course how kids are made but I dunno what else should say on the matter. We dont have such films in greek schools and generally the kids are way more innocent when it comes to sexuality. Thats why we have almost no cases of underage pregnancies
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