Daughter called 911...attention seeking? (stepdad, ADHD, stepfather, divorced)
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Last Friday, my husband & I got into an argument. Nothing major, just a run of the mill spat. We both tend to get loud, especially him. Plus he has a very deep, booming voice, and sometimes sounds like he's mad or upset even when he's not.
There was not, nor had there ever been any form of physical violence or anything like that at all. And as a matter of fact, he & I had moved our conversation into our bedroom, out of earshot of the kids, and had reconciled whatever the misunderstanding was, when we heard a pounding on the front door. Went to the door and.....it was the police. My 12 yr old had called 911.
Of course I was beyond mortified bc this is NOT who we are. They did their thing....talked to us separately, made sure no one was hurt. My daughter said she was scared & afraid I was going to get hurt. But there's more to the story. Her father & I have been divorced for 8 years. I remarried 2 years ago and my husband & I have a 1 yr old together. My daughter has been difficult since she was a toddler & has been diagnosed with ADHD, and now depression. I think she might even be bipolar, but I'm not a psychiatrist. She will do absolutely anything for attention, and she resents me remarrying & having another child bc it takes my attention away from her. She went to live with her dad right before I had the baby last year bc she was so unhappy over the new marriage & pregnancy. So she called 911 while here on part of her summer visit.
I feel horrible bc I don't want her to feel like I've chosen my husband & baby over her bc I haven't! But her need for attention is insatiable, and exhausting. Nothing is ever enough. And she doesn't seem to grasp the gravity of her calling 911. The kids know to call 911 in case of an accident, or if someone is bleeding or hurt really badly etc. but nothing happened to warrant her calling 911 that day. She doesn't understand that just an allegation of physical abuse could get my husband, or both of us, arrested! And even if nothing came of it, it could impact out jobs & livelihood, not to mention reputation. She doesn't think if the consequences of her actions. She never has.
So now my husband has thrown up his hands & says he can't trust her. He dies t trust her unsupervised around our baby, and now he doesn't even want to be around when she is here. And actually, I don't blame him. If it were the other way around, I would probably never want to lay eyes on the kid again. (If a step child called 911 bc of something I was doing). On the other hand, she is my daughter and I love her. So I'm caught in the middle.
I've already reached out to a family counselor. And I'm going to take her to a different doctor/counselor than her dad is so I can be more involved in her therapy & treatment. As far as me & my husband.....i think we need done counseling to work through this too.
Does anyone have similar experiences or advice to share?
Thanks.
It sounds like you are blaming your daughter for doing the right thing.
Calling 911 was NOT the right thing. Obviously the kid did not know what was going on, hence should not have called 911 which is for emergencies only. This wasn't an emergency and the cops would've been more useful somewhere else. Kids at that age should know better. If there was actually physicality that the kid saw, or a history of it, then that would be different.
How does anyone KNOW she wasn't legitimately scared??
She doesn't live with them full time. She may have honestly thought this was a dangerous situation for her mom.
We train kids from toddlerhood to call 911 in an emergency, but now she has to consider every nuance of the situation? It really sounds like mom has done a great job of projecting a myriad of adult worries onto this kid.
Last edited by BirdieBelle; 06-27-2014 at 07:04 AM..
As a former 911 operator, I can assure you that a family argument with a scared child most certainly qualifies as an emergency call. It may just be verbal and no harm come of it, but it is legitimate.
Mrbitterness, if you are a former cop as your title states, you should know this and how some DV situations escalate.
And if it was just for attention that is a shame, but she probably thinks that your new family matters more, and at 12, don't expect her to understand otherwise.
How does anyone KNOW she wasn't legitimately scared??
She doesn't live with them full time. She may have honestly thought this was a dangerous situation for her mom.
We train kids from toddlerhood to call 911 in an emergency, but now she has to consider every nuance of the situation? It really sounds like mom has done a great job of projecting a myriad of adult worries onto this kid.
Of course I've taught her to call 911 in emergencies, and no I'm not trying to PROJECT adult worries onto my daughter. Part of my struggle is dealing with how to explain this to her without her getting the idea that she should NOT call 911. I was looking for some input and maybe prior experience and guidance, not judgmental BS.
I gave all that explanation/justification to explain the context of the situation, which is (1) there has never been any sort of physical abuse in this household, so it's not like she's seen it and afraid of it happening again; (2) she's been known to go to some pretty extreme measures to get attention.
And my husband and I have accepted responsibility of our actions (i.e. yelling) and have apologized to the kids, and it was a wake-up call for us to be very careful about how we behave in their presence. I am NOT trying to shift all the blame to a kid for dialing 911.
I don't really appreciate all the assumptions and generalizations you made.
But just because she has a history of desiring attention doesn't mean she was not legitimately concerned either. People with mental health issues still have the right to experience genuine fear for safety.
I sense you are mad of course, you feel embarrassed, but if your daughter feels shut out and disliked by her stepfather, it isn't too much of a leap for her to have safety concerns if you two are yelling.
If your H doesn't want to be in the same room as your daughter because she called 911 out of fear for her mother's safety...then your H definitely needs to go to family counseling.
I would not be mad at the child. I'd take steps to solve the problem that you and H have - how to have a disagreement without screaming. I'd definitely do family counseling to see if you can improve the relationship between your daughter and your H.
I would not bring the child to a NEW individual counselor. If she has an IC at her dad's house, she needs to keep going to that IC. If you want to be involved in those sessions, then get involved - contact the therapist and make sure you are kept in the loop too.
Of course I've taught her to call 911 in emergencies, and no I'm not trying to PROJECT adult worries onto my daughter. Part of my struggle is dealing with how to explain this to her without her getting the idea that she should NOT call 911. I was looking for some input and maybe prior experience and guidance, not judgmental BS.
I gave all that explanation/justification to explain the context of the situation, which is (1) there has never been any sort of physical abuse in this household, so it's not like she's seen it and afraid of it happening again; (2) she's been known to go to some pretty extreme measures to get attention.
And my husband and I have accepted responsibility of our actions (i.e. yelling) and have apologized to the kids, and it was a wake-up call for us to be very careful about how we behave in their presence. I am NOT trying to shift all the blame to a kid for dialing 911.
I don't really appreciate all the assumptions and generalizations you made.
I'm sure you don't. Things are quite a mess for you.
Your daughter is a child. She does not live with you full time, as you said, and she does not know there has "never been abuse etc."
What jumps out at me based on everything you wrote is how readily you place your daughter in the role of the bad guy here. I get the sense based on your comments that you almost HOPE she is diagnosed bipolar so that it will be one more thing you can blame for this difficult situation.
Look at how many of your comments include ADULT assumptions that would be nearly impossible for a child to make:
It was a "run of the mill spat."
He has a deep, booming voice but isn't angry, even when he sounds angry.
She resents your remarrying.
Calling 911 could actually get her parents wrongly arrested or fired or ... gossiped about.
Etc.
If she already thinks she doesn't get enough of your attention, what message does sending her to live with dad send? And now stepdad won't even talk to her (which is pretty childish of him, BTW.) So who will be her advocate?
I know this is a LOT to bear. But she absolutely has to feel like a full-time priority just like the baby. I would not switch HER counselor. She NEEDS stability. The family counselor is the best advice I would have given you.
My daughter said she was scared & afraid I was going to get hurt.
Scared and afraid - -for herself and for you - is NOT seeking attention.
She did the right thing.
Sad that you are coming down on her for that....
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