Son and his girlfriend barely visit due to sleeping arrangement (home, opinion)
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The thing is that her morals are HER morals, not necessarily her son's
Right and she has every right to enforce the rules in her house, just as her son has every right not to visit because he doesn't like said rules.
Personally I think he's being passive aggressive and he knows where his parents stand and I'm pretty sure he knew this before he decided to shack up with his girlfriend. There are things I know my parents wouldn't agree with If I did them so I don't even do them around them. I respect my parents even if I don't always agree with them.
The sad thing here is . . . b/c of mother being soooooo damned and determined to pretend her son is not lin a committed relationship, she has probably set things up to where even if they DO get married, there will always be a rift between son and his girlfriend and son's mom.
By being so stubborn about "her rules," mom essentially sent out the message that she disapproves of son's lifestyle. That lifestyle is his RELATIONSHIP, with another adult. She has sent a message that says "Your girlfriend doesn't reach our moral standards b/c she is sleeping with you before you are married."
Just think how that makes the girlfriend feel.
So there is more going on here than just mom feeling upset b/c son won't "respect her rules." Son IS respecting the rules; he went elsewhere. However, potential daughter-in-law may feel potential MIL is a condescending old bitty.
OP needs to consider how hypocritical her actions are! Son IS living with his girlfriend. Son IS having sex. Why does she feel the need to hide it? Younger children in the house are not going to remember all this and think - "Gosh, I admire my mother so much for pretending that we all didn't know my brother was living with his girlfriend." They are just going to think - "Better not plan on staying at mom's house for holidays if I decide to live with someone before marriage."
It isn't, but what would you call a 14- or 16-year-old who doesn't know 20-somethings share beds with their significant others?
That's called called over sheltering and raising your children to being naïve and gullible. I can raise my children with a set of standards and morals without being overprotective and over sheltering. In fact I'm pretty sure most parents can and do the same thing.
Rule learned for myself years ago : choose your battles. If the consequences of your stance were to lead you to change your mind, then don't draw a line in the sand to start out with. I never say no if I don't mean it. That means I actually have to think the consequences thru B4 the words come out of my mouth. It means I may not say no as much as some, but I am taken seriously when I do & am willing to accept the consequences. I don't play games with relationships that matter to me. hoping someone will concede defeat.
I wouldn't have made this particular rule but seems her son is obeying it. He is respecting her wishes and probably with no hard feelings. He makes other arrangements. He still visits. She got her rule respected. She lost something else.
OP: if you knew it would turn out this way, would you have taken the same stance? If so then find a way to work with what you have.
Personally I think he's being passive aggressive and he knows where his parents stand and I'm pretty sure he knew this before he decided to shack up with his girlfriend.
How's he being passive-aggressive? He's being pretty overt with his decisions.
That's called called over sheltering and raising your children to being naïve and gullible. I can raise my children with a set of standards and morals without being overprotective and over sheltering. In fact I'm pretty sure most parents can and do the same thing.
How's he being passive-aggressive? He's being pretty overt with his decisions.
IMO he may be "punishing" his mom by not visiting her as often as he could and using the distance from his gf parents house as an excuse. However in his defense maybe it is a little too far for him. Who knows what his reason is.....I did preface my statement by saying "Personally I think."
Because its not the same thing. As I already stated most parents have a set of morals and values for their children. They are not overprotecting them or over sheltering them.
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