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Children have so much to learn from others. It is a shame when their chances of outside views and experiences are so limited by parents.
This is so true. Some parents purposely don't want their children to have any outside influences. They want to mold their children into little mini-me's for 18 years. But the OP's motivation is dealing with guilt driven because she doesn't think it's normal to have negative feelings about being around the children constantly. It's perfectly normal because every parent gets stressed out and needs a break sometimes.
Do I need to sing the Frozen song to you? Let it go.
I'm a sahm too and while my kids are older now I remember those days. Here's my advice.
1) teach your kids to entertain themselves. This is difficult at first but if you sit outside and watch but don't entertain them, give them a box of crafts to do but don't manage it, or tell them to "go play in your room," they will. You have to accept that the price of this is some initial whining and a constant mess. Grab a book and refuse to be the camp director.
2) get a babysitter. Babysitters aren't the devil, they are awesome. Just cause you sah doesn't mean you don't get a break. Plan date nights with your husband, plan a time to get your hair and nails done and get over your sitter fears.
3) stop trying to make stay at home parenting into a job. It's a different thing and you're not required to be awesome at it all the time. Your job is to be around, keep them safe, and enjoy them...if you can't do that go get a full time job.
4) If you need to let your kids watch six Dora episodes in a row one day...no one will die.
Ha ha so true!
I am a SAHM, and have been for 18 years. I have 4 children. Yes life was chaotic when they were small, but I didn't spend all my time entertaining them. That is what they have siblings for! And yes tv won't kill them. Mine liked to keep it on in the background, sometimes they'd watch, sometimes they didn't. We always had lots of toys and crafts. I had 3 daughters in 4 years so they were built in playmates. Barbies, dress up, Loving Family dolls, stuffed animals, legos, board games, etc. They played for hours and hours and hours. I did try and get out of the house once a day--the local playground, the neighborhood pool, McD's playland. But they did most of their own entertaining. I was responsible for meals/snacks and redirecting them if they got bored, but mostly they just did their own thing and played with each other.
I do think as a SAHM it's easy to get into the trap that we don't count as people. When your whole life revolves around your kids, you get into the "me last" mindset. Please try hard not to let that happen. I am suffering now from years of neglecting my own health and mental health. I was depressed for many years as a SAHM--I was bored and lonely, and felt trapped. If I could do it all over again, I would have worked part time outside the home. I think it would have been much better for my mental sanity.
Please take care of yourself. Your children are going to grow up healthy and happy regardless of whether or not you spend your every waking moment tending to their needs. I feel like a lot of SAHMs suffer from depression---it can be a very isolating and lonely existence. It's also a job that is not valued by society, which adds to a mom's low self-esteem. Take time to cultivate a life for yourself outside of your children.
I do think as a SAHM it's easy to get into the trap that we don't count as people. When your whole life revolves around your kids, you get into the "me last" mindset.
This pretty much sums it up for me in a nutshell. I decided years and years ago to be a SAHM, as it was important to me to be there for my children the vast majority of the time. My mother was a SAHM and I just remember feeling secure and happy that she was there when I needed her. I also did the cost comparison with working outside the home and daycare and I wouldn't have been bringing in more than a few hundred dollars extra per month after paying for daycare in my area- it just wasn't and isn't worth it to me.
My kids do entertain themselves quite a bit- they are like built-in playmates at only 15 months apart- and what I'm working on is redirecting them when they come running to me after they're done doing something. For example, they've both been playing in my eldest child's room for a bit now and then they came running in and bombarded me on the couch while I was reading all of the replies on this post. I told them that Mommy was having time to herself and that they needed to go find something else to play with. My eldest got all teary and went off with her head bowed and hid in a corner. It's stuff like that that is soooo irritating and makes me want to cry myself- I don't want them to grow up thinking that Mommy isn't important, too.
Which goes right into what a lot of you have been saying- that if I don't take the time to make myself important that my children will grow up thinking that, too, and won't have the most favorable view on me as a mother. I am not a weak person and when I need/want my kids to listen to me they DO because they know that I mean business. It's going to be hard but I need to come to realize that I am more than "just a mom".
Find an accredited preschool or Mother's Day out they can attend 2 or 3 days a week from 9-2 or even just 9-12.
You and your kids will benefit.
Otherwise, you should get recommendations from a friend for a teen or college student who can sit with them while you do what you need to do.
This is a VERY hard age for moms, and you HAVE to have reliable help.
This ^^^.
As far as a baby sitter goes, start out with a 30 minute or one hour trial run a few times. You, your children, and the baby sitter will get comfortable with each other. If it works out for all, expand the time.
Your oldest will soon start school.....bingo...life has a way of taking care of itself.
I had twins.....wow! Great. At first I thought I was going to die from the exhaustion. Then I was afraid I wouldn't die. Then they grew up just a little.....
It's stuff like that that is soooo irritating and makes me want to cry myself- I don't want them to grow up thinking that Mommy isn't important, too.
Which goes right into what a lot of you have been saying- that if I don't take the time to make myself important that my children will grow up thinking that, too, and won't have the most favorable view on me as a mother. I am not a weak person and when I need/want my kids to listen to me they DO because they know that I mean business. It's going to be hard but I need to come to realize that I am more than "just a mom".
Your own individual identity is important on many levels. By having other passions and interests, it helps your children realize the possibilities in their own lives. It also minimizes the identity crisis that's inevitable when the nest empties. My mother was a SAHM like you describe your mother. She was always there for us, always waiting for us when we got home from school. But she was an artist and didn't let that slide while raising us. Other mothers train and enter marathons. I have a friend who competes in equestrian sports. Imagine the inspiration they are to their children. Some just exercise or workout at the gym, but they're still setting a healthy lifestyle example for their children.
It's way too easy to put ourselves last. When you get into the habit of it, years can go by before you realize you never got around to doing what you put off. You're feeling guilt for not being there briefly. Just imagine the guilt you'll feel years later if you regret that you didn't do something you loved. You'll feel like you're blaming your children when you're really blaming yourself. You can avoid that by taking charge of your life and making it what you want it to be now.
Without knowing your financial capabilities, it's hard to provide suggestions. But:
1. Join a gym that has daycare.
2. Go to the park, let them run around with kids, while you sit and enjoy the outdoors on a nearby bench supervising (not every parent can do this, because 'supervising' at the park causes them stress.
3. Go to the mall and just walk around.
4. Go for a walk.
5. Jogging stroller
6. Find a local sitter NOW and schedule date nights with the hubby for the health of your relationship. If not once a month, I'd at least do once every 6 weeks.
7. When your husband gets home from work...GO SOMEWHERE - anywhere. With friends, by yourself, whatever.
Our kids are very important to all of us. But they'll have a better mom if their mom isn't stressed out.
While your husband is settling in to a new job, you're bound to feel a little more stressed than usual. Since his schedule has changed to an earlier schedule, you could change the kids' schedule to an earlier one also...start waking them up an hour earlier and then putting them in bed an hour earlier, for example. Then you'll have some time with him in the evenings.
You don't need to entertain your kids every minute of every day, but telling them to go find something to do because mommy is busy doesn't work well for that age group. That will work when they're a few years older. For now, maybe you should have some quick suggestions of things they can go do...maybe a couple special toys that they only get to play with during your computer time, or a tv show that they get to watch during your computer time. Make it something they only get to do then.
The year when the kids are that little are rough, but then they go to school and start to have lives that don't revolve solely around you, and that's a little bittersweet.
My kids do entertain themselves quite a bit- they are like built-in playmates at only 15 months apart- and what I'm working on is redirecting them when they come running to me after they're done doing something. For example, they've both been playing in my eldest child's room for a bit now and then they came running in and bombarded me on the couch while I was reading all of the replies on this post. I told them that Mommy was having time to herself and that they need to go find something else to play with. My eldest got all teary and went off with her head bowed and hid in a corner. It's stuff like that that is soooo irritating and makes me want to cry myself- I don't want them to grow up thinking that Mommy isn't important, too.
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I can tell you from being a dog walker that kids, like DOGS, reflect the energy of the house.
People have been raising their own children since time began.
"Reliable HELP"? Since when? OH about the past 20 years or so.
CHANGE the energy in your house. It starts with you evaluating YOUR energy. Was YOUR house a little "high strung" growing up? No offense.
My kid never ONCE acted out in public and barely ever in private. It would never have occurred to him. I would have had to LMAO if he walked in a corner sulking over not getting my IMMEDIATE attention.
But the girl next door? NEVER ENDING "teary" episodes.
Their dog also barked non stop.
There's a connection.
I think I'd start with food, sleep and ROUTINE including exercise. A tired kid can be a pain and a tired kid will also take a NAP. Arts and Crafts are no replacement for exercise or physical activities and even a house can be a cage. Same theory I apply to dogs.
And yes, you are NOT the CRUISE director. It has nothing to do with your "me time" but it's just a counterproductive way to raise kids. My husband came from a village in Greece and they used to roll up socks together to make a BALL. He later got a masters and PHD and was a devoted stable person. His mom was SLIGHTLY BUSY hand washing their clothes, killing chickens for dinner, making the food, cleaning the house and making sure they were all clean as they could be with NO HOT WATER. TV? hahahaha they didn't even know what that was.
What your dealing with is very common. After a woman gives birth I have noticed on forums and talking with friends a protective instinct comes in very strong for their kids. That in combo with the extra work with taking care of the kids can set one up for some major stress, depression, fatigue. A plan for self care is essential. The trick is getting the right balance. I did not know or practice self care at all till I gave birth and found myself both over protective and depressed/anxious.
I made a plan that allowed me times off from being Mom. Small, yet important changes can be so amazingly important. I scheduled in 2-3 hours a week alone at coffee shop with my sketchbook and a novel once a week. Handing over the kids as soon as husband walks in. One night out for a few hours with friends once week or once every two weeks. Play dates with mom's and their kids (no house cleaning to impress) just real hanging out and co-commiserating. Later as the kids get older you get more free time. A key thing for me to feel comfortable letting the baby go to a babysitter for night out with my husband was making sure whatever was making me feel nervous was resolved. For me I was obsessed with the thought that my mother-in-law and my son would be trapped in her burglar-ed bar house. So we made sure she had a key to the bars and we tested them and put it a place she could reach it.
I think the mind of a post-partum mom has an actual biological need to be over protective to ensure a baby's survival, it is our job though to temper this protectiveness with reason. My sense of protection and guilt was out of control for a bit and I realized in my case it was something I needed meds for Excessive guilt post partum is a warning sign of depression.
Another thing I had to do was make friends with other people who had kids because I was sorta of on an island with many anti-kid or just kid less friends. It helped so much.
In many cases it is not so that women need meds just some time and planning.
Best of luck to you in coming up with a plan and implementing it.
We have a saying on our Mom's group "If Mama ain't happy-no one is happy". A mom can only be a good mom with her cup full.
I appreciate the perspective of the woman whose husband is from Greece but have to say that a 3rd world or 2nd world upbringing is fine but a 1st world upbringing is fine too. Often with the others (3rd world or 2nd world )a slap or a kick is welcome and used and that is just a bit not in style anymore in most places. My mom was a super poor Sicilian-American but she was from a different time/place and it is hard to compare. There can be a lot of turmoil and drama in those ways of living. It's all good tho-many ways to raise a kid.
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