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My daughter is 17 and drinks, smokes up, parties, sleeps in, and has been couch surfing between friends and boyfriend for weeks. She won't come home. She won't get a job and it is all our fault. What to do??
Well, take away the phone and car and that will definitely cramp her style a bit. Where is she getting the money for cigarettes and alcohol?
Actions have consequences, and it sounds like she learns best in the School of Hard Knocks. Her life isn't going to be easy or simple, and as a parent, that is worrisome -- but making poor choices is, unfortunately, a right that she has. When is she turning 18? If it's not for another year, then I agree with CamillaB -- see if your town/county/state has something like a PINS warrant -- "Person In Need of Supervision", it's used for under-age children who are being stupid with their life choices (drugs, drinking, running away, etc.), and it brings the family court into play. Will she be going back to high school in the fall, or has she quit school?
I know she thinks she's "almost 18", but it might be time to have a come to Jesus meeting with her, where you explain that being an adult at 18 works both ways -- you can also throw her out and refuse to support her any further. I don't think a lot of kids (or parents) realize that the "I'm 18 and I'm a GROWN UP!" line works both ways. :-)
You can't stop her. She is perfectly normal. Could be younger ( or older ). ( not all the time ) Eventually she will
A. Run out of money
B. Get pregnant
C. Run into somebody who is not nice to her
Their is nothing that anybody can do; unless she comes forward herself. She will learn her lesson. As we all do. Then she will try and do the next best thing. Leave your household
You should be happy then scared that she is getting out of the house. I understand the fear of things. If you attempt to mess with her, it can derail things.
You can reduce her to the 1990's by not paying for her phone. Their is no law that says you have to have a cell phone for every head in the household BS.
You can even prevent her from using the car. Just say no. Again this way the person she is hanging out with can use their car. Just be advised in telling her "nobody is invited inside of my house". They have rules for trespassing. Again my house my rules. You can read up on those rules. Eventually one day some idiot will have to use your bathroom.
The cruelest thing you could do is put security locks on the doors of the bathrooms. This is way if they urinate in yard you can have a reason to be upset.
That is part of growing up. Otherwise you will have a person sitting in the nest waiting to pass away. She will learn, as everybody else does.
You can't stop her. She is perfectly normal. Could be younger ( or older ). ( not all the time ) Eventually she will
A. Run out of money
B. Get pregnant
C. Run into somebody who is not nice to her
Sorry, no, this is NOT "normal". "Normal" kids do not avoid their home, sleep from house to house, drink, smoke all the time. If you think this is "normal", then I'm sorry that your experience has been so substandard.
Quote:
Originally Posted by RegalSin
Their is nothing that anybody can do; unless she comes forward herself. She will learn her lesson. As we all do. Then she will try and do the next best thing. Leave your household
Well, we agree on this. If the young woman is as defiant as the OP indicates, then there's not a lot to be done. Leaving may not be "the next best thing" for her, though -- in fact, it will probably be very difficult and disastrous in many ways (pregnancy, drug abuse, homelessness).
Quote:
Originally Posted by RegalSin
You should be happy then scared that she is getting out of the house. I understand the fear of things. If you attempt to mess with her, it can derail things.
Not sure how much more this person can be "derailed" -- she already sounds like she's out of control. Any caring parent is going to fear for the consequences of their child's poor choices. Being "happy" that they are exposed to a world that they are ill-prepared to deal with in terms of resources and choices doesn't happen.
She may just be going through a wild period, some sort of a reaction to a strict upbringing, perhaps, or a dumb attemt to fit in with the "cool" kids. But she also may have a mental illness, such as bi-polar, combined with a substance abuse problem, in which case things could easily get worse before (and if) they get better.
I would continue paying for her phone. You can find her with a tracker on the phone, like most companies have, and if she is in serious danger and needs help she will be able to get to you or 911.
Ideally it sounds as if she needs a stay in a psych ward for a mental evaluation so you can sort out what's overblown teenage rebelliousness, what's substance abuse/addiction, and what's mental illness (if any). She is underage, so you can FORCE this to happen, even if you have to get the cops to help find her and pick her up. Such stays are sometimes covered by your insurance, sometimes not. Find out first. But a good diagnosis will lead you to whatever the next step is.
Just be prepared for the long haul. My heart goes out to you. She may come to her senses in a few months. Or she may never.
My daughter is 17 and drinks, smokes up, parties, sleeps in, and has been couch surfing between friends and boyfriend for weeks. She won't come home. She won't get a job and it is all our fault. What to do??
Focus on your other kids.
How many months till she is 18? Do you really want to spend all those months fighting with her?
Eventually she'll grow out of this and she'll be easy to be around again.
Once she's 18 you can't do anything. Back off for a bit and let her sort her own stuff out.
If you keep pushing her now she may never speak to you after she turns 18.
Yeah, you're right about it being your fault. Why'd you let your issues with your daughter get to this point?
I'd be worried that she falls in love with an abuser or ends up in a situation that she can't get herself out of (like human trafficking). Will she come home if you ask (even if it's for dinner)?
My daughter is 17 and drinks, smokes up, parties, sleeps in, and has been couch surfing between friends and boyfriend for weeks. She won't come home. She won't get a job and it is all our fault. What to do??
It pains me to say this, but she'll come home when she needs your help with the child she's decided to keep.
One post and the OP has never even come back to read the replies...humm....probably a 17 year old posting what she wants to do.
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