Parents Enabling Adult Children - Opinions Wanted (babysitting, baby, son)
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My 27 year old sister in law dropped out of college after 2 years and moved out of the house and in with her the boyfriend, now husband at age 20. The problem: The in-laws never turned the credit card off. For the past 7 years, my sister in law has managed to rack up a credit card bill of $1,000 + per month every month. You do the math. The reason the credit card is not turned off: her and her husband do not make a lot of money. Can you guess why? If you were handed an extra $1,000+ per month, would you have any motivation to make more money? Granted, they do not make a lot, but most people that doe not make a lot, find a way to live within thier means, get a part time jobs to make ends meet or get an education so that a better paying job is obtainable.
Now, a baby is on the way. Can't WAIT to see how much this costs my in-laws.
If I sound bitter, it's because I am. My husband and I both have a college education, good jobs, 2 children, a house and are financially independent. I find it so unfair that this grown adult child has taken advantage of her parents in such a way for so long. By the way, my inlaws are retired!
My other sister in law is 30 years old and still lives with my inlaws. No rent is paid, groceries are purchased, meals are cooked, laundry is done, etc. She does not clean or contribute in any way.
Granted, my mother in law is a big time enabler who just can't seem to let go of her girls. Unfortunately, she thinks she is being kind to them, but in the long run, she is hurting them I fear beyond repair. I also fear that once my inlaws are gone and the financially irresponsible children go through their inheritance, they will come knocking on my door. My husband and I have made it very clear, that we will not bail anyone out. I have my own children and their college educations to think about. God knows, I never want to be in the situation my inlaws are in. At least I've learned a lesson from their grave mistakes!
No offense to anyone out there, but I can only guess this is an Italian family you're speaking of (by the way, my husband and I are both of Italian descent).
We've known some families like this, but the enabling was not as pathetic.
How about watching 2 other siblings be 'enabled' as well as THEIR kids but being the 'black sheep' simply for not towing the line? (whatever that line was). My parents let us live 'very cheaply' in their house for a long time, and I appreciate it. But they also never let us forget it. They constantly brought up their friends' more successful children (all helped out by family with babysitting so the wives COULD work). My sister has it rough and they help her out. But they also think nothing of buying my nephew (one of her's) a $300 Wii.
Meanwhile, we moved away from the dysfunction...all I hear about is how much my parents are padding my sister and her husband and kids (her husband works hard but REFUSES to budge off LONG ISLAND). His parents also give him $$$. Meanwhile they STILL have cable, HBO, 2 forms of internet, several tvs blaring all day, the kids have McDonald's at a whim.. you know...
Yeah, we have to do it all ourselves, and it's cost us a lot but in the end we will be stronger. My son only has us..but they made their choice by 'their attitudes' (not necessarily because of $ but because it is used as a weapon--it's part of the reason I am screwed up today...).
I will see my family a few times a year, probably. We will be better off...so will you..
No offense to anyone out there, but I can only guess this is an Italian family you're speaking of (by the way, my husband and I are both of Italian descent).
We've known some families like this, but the enabling was not as pathetic.
Nope. Not Italian at all. Mother in law is Polish/Lithuanian and Father in law is Irish/Scottish. By the way, my father in law wants the 30 year old out and has asked her to leave and begin her own life several times. He has also repeatedly asked the 27 year old to "cut the card!" Unfortunatley, for some reason, my mother in law rules the roost and whatever she says goes...so he has no say, no power...poor guy..should've left years ago...
How about watching 2 other siblings be 'enabled' as well as THEIR kids but being the 'black sheep' simply for not towing the line? (whatever that line was). My parents let us live 'very cheaply' in their house for a long time, and I appreciate it. But they also never let us forget it. They constantly brought up their friends' more successful children (all helped out by family with babysitting so the wives COULD work). My sister has it rough and they help her out. But they also think nothing of buying my nephew (one of her's) a $300 Wii.
Meanwhile, we moved away from the dysfunction...all I hear about is how much my parents are padding my sister and her husband and kids (her husband works hard but REFUSES to budge off LONG ISLAND). His parents also give him $$$. Meanwhile they STILL have cable, HBO, 2 forms of internet, several tvs blaring all day, the kids have McDonald's at a whim.. you know...
Yeah, we have to do it all ourselves, and it's cost us a lot but in the end we will be stronger. My son only has us..but they made their choice by 'their attitudes' (not necessarily because of $ but because it is used as a weapon--it's part of the reason I am screwed up today...).
I will see my family a few times a year, probably. We will be better off...so will you..
Well, I can certainly relate. Luckily, my husband does not let it bother him as much as it bothers me, but my 27 year old sister in law and her hubby have a collection of over 500 DVD's (again, do the math, that's about $10k in DVD's). He has 7 guns (has been in the army reserves and is a security guard) and they have satellite radio installed in both cars (a luxury neither my husband or I have). Shall I go on...new furniture, carpeting, newly redone bathroom. Tell me they need an extra $1k per month to get by. By the way, they live in upstate NY where the cost of living is not even comparable to LI.
Guilded Cage Syndrome is what people are said to suffer from when there is no real stimulus in their lives. As I read this, I can't help but think of Ferris Bueller's sister talking to Charlie Sheen at the end of Ferris Bueller's Day off. Essentially, Sheen asks her why she gives a damn why her brother gets away with so much.
If your life is so boring that you have to be frustrated with how someone else lives, then get a hobby. Every family has a sister in law like yours. I've just never felt compelled to write about it publicly to a bunch of strangers.
While I think its sad that they are living this way its pretty clear the parents are getting something out of this or they would not be allowing it to continue.
I think you should be thankful that your spouse didn't end up that useless and get on with your own life. Being resentful about them will only bring you down.
Guilded Cage Syndrome is what people are said to suffer from when there is no real stimulus in their lives.
Very common around here.
I just heard that my ex's sons best friend OD'ed on heroin. Again.
I know this kid. I tried talking to him. The problem is...he's not interested in anything. I can't have a conversation with him.
Again, I'd rather raise my kids in a New Orleans brothel. Living in the toxic affluence of the burbs is worse than having lead contaminated drinking water.
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Guilded Cage Syndrome
