Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I have 3 little ones ages 5,5 and 6. And I appreciate them, very much. When I was growing up I was loved but my parents were short on money and time, and I wanted to do things differently. I am a somewhat older parent, with a very good career. I planned on doing everything right for my kids.
Maybe as a result of that, combined with other things, they might be just a little bit spoiled.
I spend all the time I have with them, playing games, doing learning activities, baking, doing water play, going to swim lessons, doing homework, taking them to children's theatre and children's museums, farms, whatever is good for them and wholesome.
They have minimal TV time. They have a fairly strict routine. And they have all the things I didn't have when I was young. A beautiful house to live in, their own rooms, yard, pool, fancy play structure outside, lots and lots of toys, stuffed animals, books, games, etc. It's probably not much different than other parents in this day and age actually but it's way different than when I was young. Oh and their clothes are really nice and they have lots.
My clothes growing up came from goodwill or were hand me downs. The pants were too short and were plaid. When I got something new it was rare and it made me feel so happy and grateful. I guess when kids have all that mine have and never had it any other way they think that is the way things are. My son leaves some of his 500 or so hot wheels all over the floor. I tell him "don't waste that pump soap" because he pumps a whole bottle into the sink and he just laughs because he doesn't realize that it costs money.
Daughters just drop their toys when they are done and don't really care that much about their toys. My oldest daughter told me "I don't like my bed. Why do I have to sleep in that bed." It is a brand new bed, full size, really good quality, with her favorite character sheet and comforter set, always fresh and clean and washed, very inviting in fact. When I was her age I had an old bed with just a frame and it literally came from the dump.
I don't think my parents were the cleanest with the bedding either. I had only a few toys and they were cherished and I would never just drop them somewhere. If you give her one piece of candy she is very angry because she did not get two. If she doesn't get her milk in a certain cup she throws a fit.
At Christmas time with each gift she opened she was getting madder and madder, because it wasn't enough and there was no spider man. And trust me, there was lots of awesome stuff. I don't necessarily want them to be grateful for providing what a kid needs, but I would like them to appreciate what they have and understand that everybody doesn't have that, and I wasn't trying to raise entitled little brats.
They also behave poorly and are disobedient. I guess I don't have this parenting thing down very well. What can I do to "unspoil" them and get them to be more compliant?
And, I start to wonder about this: did the way that I was raised lead to me being more motivated to get educated, and get a better career, and work harder and be more persistent? Did it give me the guts and drive to do more? Are my kids going to be self absorbed, self indulged and uninterested people when they get bigger? How can I avoid that for them?!!
Last edited by Jaded; 11-06-2014 at 06:31 PM..
Reason: Do NOT Use Embedded Links To Advertise!
I think the biggest thing is don't give in when they have tantrums. If you as the Mom say your daughter can only have one piece of candy, stick to that rule. If she throws a hissy fit, so what, she'll live. If they don't appreciate their toys and belongings take them away and either donate them to charity or let them earn their possessions back by doing chores. I also thinks a "less is more" approach is best when it comes to giving children presents and other items. When kids have an overwhelming abundance of crap they never appreciate it.
The good thing is your children are young so the situation isn't hopeless. You'll probably be in for a rough transition period while your kids adjust to not getting their way 24/7, but it will be worth it in the end.
I think the biggest thing is don't give in when they have tantrums. If you as the Mom say your daughter can only have one piece of candy, stick to that rule. If she throws a hissy fit, so what, she'll live. If they don't appreciate their toys and belongings take them away and either donate them to charity or let them earn their possessions back by doing chores. I also thinks a "less is more" approach is best when it comes to giving children presents and other items. When kids have an overwhelming abundance of crap they never appreciate it.
The good thing is your children are young so the situation isn't hopeless. You'll probably be in for a rough transition period while your kids adjust to not getting their way 24/7, but it will be worth it in the end.
Very good points.
They are still young so you will be able to reverse the spoiling if you start to do it now.
I have a number of friends who have "rules" for giving presents to keep things manageable and appreciated. Such as for Christmas, a new pair of pajamas, one new outfit, one new toy and one (or several) books. Yes, that is it.
As a teacher I can think of many examples of how spoiled children had problems at school related to being spoiled. Please don't let that happen to your children.
You can enrich a child's life and knowledge a lot better with experiences than with objects.
This weekend, perhaps you can start unspoiling them by having them gather about half of those hot wheels and other toys, and cleaning them up. Then you and the kids take them to the nearest shelter and donate them.
You gotta change what you are doing or you will just have spoiled kids for life.
OP--I understand the desire to give your children a childhood you did not have. My husband and I both grew up in a way similar to the way you grew up. We were very fortunate through our own efforts to be able to provide for our children in a way we never imagined as children. Your post has made me think about how we managed to raise our children without a sense of entitlement. We didn't necessarily always have a plan, but we were both aware that our children had a lot and did not want to raise entitled, spoiled brats. My one constant, guiding principle when my children were younger is that I was raising them to leave me and become independent adults. Consider what that means.
First, the best way to start un-spoiling them is to stop giving them so much stuff. Second, start expecting them to contribute to the family. Even 5 and 6 year olds can do simple chores such as clearing the dinner table, setting the table, bringing in groceries, making beds, etc. Finally, begin to make them aware that not all families and children are as fortunate. Making this a routine will not be easy for you or them, but if you want to raise children that become self-sufficient adults, it's important.
My children received toys for Christmas and birthdays. It was very unusual for me to buy toys at other times of the year unless it was something special like a water toy in the summer or a Disney movie on occasion. Clothing purchases were made only a few times a year unless they out grew their things. We went clothes shopping for a day before school started and sometimes in late spring/early summer. That one big shopping trip in the late summer for school included clearance summer/spring clothes for the next year (I just sized up). The children were aware that the purpose of this was to save money because my husband and I discussed it in front of them. I would share with him, in front of the kids, the fact that I bought their clothes for the next summer at 1/2 price or less. The kids were never without and had nice, stylish clothing.
The kids also had small chores such as I mentioned previously. I also often asked them to gather the trash cans from bathrooms, etc. Picking up toys was often a battle, but I reminded myself that I was the adult. It's often easier to give up when kids are whining, etc. but one needs to keep the long term goals in mind. This also applies to the little tantrums about candy and special cups, etc. You are the adult and you make the rules. You've "taught" them that tantrums work. Now you need to teach them that tantrums will no longer work. Set your expectations and be consistent. It will be a slow, gradual process.
Finally, even at 5 and 6 they can learn that others have less. I suppose our task was easier given our siblings did not achieve the lifestyle of me and my husband. Our kids saw that cousins had smaller houses or older cars, etc. They went to friends' houses that did not have what they had. They were also exposed to the idea of giving to others from an early age. Some of this came through church projects (which may not be your thing and there are other ways to do this), scout projects, or other school projects. I also made a point of "adopting" a child or family at Christmas and letting them help with this project whether it was picking out the toy for a child or helping shop for food for a family. Most communities have a way of doing this btw. Contribute to food drives or clothing drives or whatever your community has and allow your children to help with this throughout the year. I think the US Postal service has a nationwide food drive every spring. Let the kids put out bags of food in the mailbox. There are hundreds of ways to help them learn that one also must give to others. That lesson diminishes that sense of entitlement. And don't just do these things. Tell the kids why you are doing them.
As I said earlier, keep in mind the big goals and be consistent.
I've had the same fears that you did. I have very vivid memories of having both my parents and most of my extended family all laid off at once. Finances were very tight for some time. My sister was young enough that she doesn't remember those times. I ended up pretty frugal; she didn't.
I can afford to give my children everything, but I don't want them to be spoiled, so I follow a lot of the advice given by the other posters. My kids are 5, 7, and 8. They all have chores - the youngest puts away the clean silverware, folds towels, and feeds the dog. The older girls unload the rest of the dishwasher, clean their bathroom and the half bath, etc. They all help sweep and dust and even vaccuum.
Everyone gets a base allowance for doing their required chores. They get extra if they go above and beyond. We give them money occasionally for other things too. I only buy toys at Christmas and birthdays. We buy books pretty much all the time, and I buy lots of craft supplies. Any toys they want to buy come out of their money.
Once or twice a year, we clean out the toys to see what we can donate to charity. I also let the kids pick out angels on the Salvation Army Angel Tree each year, and then they get to pick out all the presents that we will give to that child who otherwise might not get any. They LOVE this tradition
There are other volunteer opportunities, too. One of my kids really enjoys ringing the bell at the Salvation Army kettle at Christmas. We started doing that when she was 4.
We also talk a lot about different types of families, different types of houses, different financial choices. They know that some people work reallllly hard and still have trouble feeding their families.
OP--I understand the desire to give your children a childhood you did not have. My husband and I both grew up in a way similar to the way you grew up. We were very fortunate through our own efforts to be able to provide for our children in a way we never imagined as children. Your post has made me think about how we managed to raise our children without a sense of entitlement. We didn't necessarily always have a plan, but we were both aware that our children had a lot and did not want to raise entitled, spoiled brats. My one constant, guiding principle when my children were younger is that I was raising them to leave me and become independent adults. Consider what that means.
First, the best way to start un-spoiling them is to stop giving them so much stuff. Second, start expecting them to contribute to the family. Even 5 and 6 year olds can do simple chores such as clearing the dinner table, setting the table, bringing in groceries, making beds, etc. Finally, begin to make them aware that not all families and children are as fortunate. Making this a routine will not be easy for you or them, but if you want to raise children that become self-sufficient adults, it's important.
My children received toys for Christmas and birthdays. It was very unusual for me to buy toys at other times of the year unless it was something special like a water toy in the summer or a Disney movie on occasion. Clothing purchases were made only a few times a year unless they out grew their things. We went clothes shopping for a day before school started and sometimes in late spring/early summer. That one big shopping trip in the late summer for school included clearance summer/spring clothes for the next year (I just sized up). The children were aware that the purpose of this was to save money because my husband and I discussed it in front of them. I would share with him, in front of the kids, the fact that I bought their clothes for the next summer at 1/2 price or less. The kids were never without and had nice, stylish clothing.
The kids also had small chores such as I mentioned previously. I also often asked them to gather the trash cans from bathrooms, etc. Picking up toys was often a battle, but I reminded myself that I was the adult. It's often easier to give up when kids are whining, etc. but one needs to keep the long term goals in mind. This also applies to the little tantrums about candy and special cups, etc. You are the adult and you make the rules. You've "taught" them that tantrums work. Now you need to teach them that tantrums will no longer work. Set your expectations and be consistent. It will be a slow, gradual process.
Finally, even at 5 and 6 they can learn that others have less. I suppose our task was easier given our siblings did not achieve the lifestyle of me and my husband. Our kids saw that cousins had smaller houses or older cars, etc. They went to friends' houses that did not have what they had. They were also exposed to the idea of giving to others from an early age. Some of this came through church projects (which may not be your thing and there are other ways to do this), scout projects, or other school projects. I also made a point of "adopting" a child or family at Christmas and letting them help with this project whether it was picking out the toy for a child or helping shop for food for a family. Most communities have a way of doing this btw. Contribute to food drives or clothing drives or whatever your community has and allow your children to help with this throughout the year. I think the US Postal service has a nationwide food drive every spring. Let the kids put out bags of food in the mailbox. There are hundreds of ways to help them learn that one also must give to others. That lesson diminishes that sense of entitlement. And don't just do these things. Tell the kids why you are doing them.
As I said earlier, keep in mind the big goals and be consistent.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Aggiebuttercup
I've had the same fears that you did. I have very vivid memories of having both my parents and most of my extended family all laid off at once. Finances were very tight for some time. My sister was young enough that she doesn't remember those times. I ended up pretty frugal; she didn't.
I can afford to give my children everything, but I don't want them to be spoiled, so I follow a lot of the advice given by the other posters. My kids are 5, 7, and 8. They all have chores - the youngest puts away the clean silverware, folds towels, and feeds the dog. The older girls unload the rest of the dishwasher, clean their bathroom and the half bath, etc. They all help sweep and dust and even vaccuum.
Everyone gets a base allowance for doing their required chores. They get extra if they go above and beyond. We give them money occasionally for other things too. I only buy toys at Christmas and birthdays. We buy books pretty much all the time, and I buy lots of craft supplies. Any toys they want to buy come out of their money.
Once or twice a year, we clean out the toys to see what we can donate to charity. I also let the kids pick out angels on the Salvation Army Angel Tree each year, and then they get to pick out all the presents that we will give to that child who otherwise might not get any. They LOVE this tradition
There are other volunteer opportunities, too. One of my kids really enjoys ringing the bell at the Salvation Army kettle at Christmas. We started doing that when she was 4.
We also talk a lot about different types of families, different types of houses, different financial choices. They know that some people work reallllly hard and still have trouble feeding their families.
Many more great ideas.
Regarding charity activities, some of my friends & family do the same things every year and others switch it around. Most years we would donate supplies/toys/nightwear to a shelter for battered women plus decide on a second charity as well. Sometimes it was hats & mittens for underprivileged children, or warm socks for the homeless, or toys for foster children or other worthy causes.
I have 3 little ones ages 5,5 and 6. And I appreciate them, very much. When I was growing up I was loved but my parents were short on money and time, and I wanted to do things differently. I am a somewhat older parent, with a very good career. I planned on doing everything right for my kids.
Maybe as a result of that, combined with other things, they might be just a little bit spoiled.
I spend all the time I have with them, playing games, doing learning activities, baking, doing water play, going to swim lessons, doing homework, taking them to children's theatre and children's museums, farms, whatever is good for them and wholesome. They have minimal TV time. They have a fairly strict routine.
And they have all the things I didn't have when I was young. A beautiful house to live in, their own rooms, yard, pool, fancy play structure outside, lots and lots of toys, stuffed animals, books, games, etc. It's probably not much different than other parents in this day and age actually but it's way different than when I was young.
Oh and their clothes are really nice and they have lots. My clothes growing up came from goodwill or were hand me downs. The pants were too short and were plaid. When I got something new it was rare and it made me feel so happy and grateful. I guess when kids have all that mine have and never had it any other way they think that is the way things are.
My son leaves some of his 500 or so hot wheels all over the floor. I tell him "don't waste that pump soap" because he pumps a whole bottle into the sink and he just laughs because he doesn't realize that it costs money.
Daughters just drop their toys when they are done and don't really care that much about their toys. My oldest daughter told me "I don't like my bed. Why do I have to sleep in that bed." It is a brand new bed, full size, really good quality, with her favorite character sheet and comforter set, always fresh and clean and washed, very inviting in fact. When I was her age I had an old bed with just a frame and it literally came from the dump. I don't think my parents were the cleanest with the bedding either. I had only a few toys and they were cherished and I would never just drop them somewhere.
If you give her one piece of candy she is very angry because she did not get two. If she doesn't get her milk in a certain cup she throws a fit. At Christmas time with each gift she opened she was getting madder and madder, because it wasn't enough and there was no spider man. And trust me, there was lots of awesome stuff. I don't necessarily want them to be grateful for providing what a kid needs, but I would like them to appreciate what they have and understand that everybody doesn't have that, and I wasn't trying to raise entitled little brats.
They also behave poorly and are disobedient. I guess I don't have this parenting thing down very well. What can I do to "unspoil" them and get them to be more compliant?
And, I start to wonder about this: did the way that I was raised lead to me being more motivated to get educated, and get a better career, and harder and be more persistent? Did it give me the guts and drive to do more? Are my kids going to be self absorbed, self indulged and uninterested people when they get bigger? How can I avoid that for them?!!
I eliminated all the extraneous urls as I found them distracting. I also made paragraphs because reading without them makes things difficult to answer.
First there is nothing wrong with spending time with them and doing the things you are doing, but... at 5 and 6, they should also have independent play while you do things around the house or have some time to yourself. It is very important to develop independence in young children. I assume they are in school, but they should also have playtime together or alone without your constant presence. To develop this, you should try starting them on activities and then leaving (to cook, do dishes, read, be on the computer or whatever) for short periods. Check on them after short periods to see how it is going, but don't hover. Increase the amount of time that they play alone bit by bit until they can do an activity independently for at least half an hour, perhaps longer.
It's fine that you have a nice house and it's a good contrast to your own childhood. Perhaps you should show them what kinds of things went on when you grew up. If you don't want to do that, at least get them involved in volunteering with families that have much less than you do. Kids can help with all kinds of things like this and it is an invaluable lesson in how other people may not have everything they do. There are places to donate old toys and clothes, places to help with food for the homeless or for abused women, etc. Kids should start young seeing these kinds of things. For your daughters, you might try a girl scout troop that is into community service, for example.
Your son needs to be encouraged to pick up his cars and toys. One thing that might help is having a particular place for the cars. We had a car garage for hotwheels. If he has too many, perhaps he can give away some to kids who don't have any good toys.
With your daughter, do not give in to tantrums about candy or toys. If you say *one piece* then stick to your guns and ignore her fits. Cut back on your buying and budget even if you don't really need to do so. You may want to try an allowance with them, so they get to choose what to buy and even save up for a few things. It often means more when you buy something with your own money rather than having mom buy everything you ask for.
Your daughter also needs to pick up after herself. Institute a routine where the kids clean up either after playing with one toy or at bedtime. One way to accomplish this is to put away a lot of the toys. If you put away many of the toys, then you can rotate them out when the kids are tired of a particular bunch of toys. Having too many toys is often overwhelming to kids and prevents them from cleaning up because there is too much to do. Another way to work on it is to make some cleaning up a game. Have one child get all the blue toys or all the cars and another child get all the red toys or all the blocks, etc. Mom gets a category to pick up as well. Or another game - make a basket with the blocks into the toy box.
What kind of disobedience are you speaking of? Some things are less important, but you need to be firm on anything that is safety related. Cut way back on telling them to do things, but do have a talk with them about what it takes to keep the house running and give them age appropriate chores. They can choose within limits which chores they want to do. Setting the table, for example, is good for kids this age and teaches math skills (one to one correspondence) as well. Putting dishes in the dishwasher or taking them out and sorting is another good chore. You can teach them to do laundry too. Sorting colors or socks for the loads can be useful.
Your own upbringing undoubtedly did lead you to be persistent and to work hard, but that does not mean you cannot help your children to do the same even without the hardships you suffered.
"Un-spoiling" children is actually very easy, OP. You just stop doing it. If you want to raise grateful, appreciative kids, then YOU have to SHOW them what it's like to not have anything. My husband and I have been telling our children for quite some time now, ages 3.5 and 5, that there are many, many children out there who don't have things like beds, food, clothes, toys. Our eldest is really starting to come to understand this and I can really see the wheels turning when my husband and I talk about it. We started a tradition 3 years ago where we participate in the Toys for Tots program and we allow our kids to both pick out a toy to donate and then take it to a local fire station. We also have our kids help clean the house, set the table, clear the table and put clothes away. We try to make it a fun game and they like it a lot.
I also announced at dinner the other night some plans for our kids to give at Christmas time- we're going to sell baked goods to raise money for the toys we donate (we have a homemade lemonade stand that the hubs and I built and we'll be set up in our driveway with it) donate old sheets and blankets to the animal shelter and write letters to soldiers overseas. My husband and I are adamant about not raising our kids to be entitled and we want them to appreciate how much hard work it takes to make money in order to buy even just the necessities. I don't believe that there is one thing wrong with making kids aware of the world around them- in fact, I think it does them a great disservice to NOT make them aware.
It's one thing to provide children with a stable and loving home, plenty of food, and things like clothing and education- it's our job as parents to do that. But what is NOT our job is to shower them with gifts and toys and treats just because they exist. They have to be taught the difference between a want and a need and we're the ones who will teach them that. I have two 6 year-old nieces who act as if the amount of toys that they get at birthdays and Christmas is never good enough- BOTH of them (and no, they aren't related) have said "Is that it??" and "Where's the rest??" at gift-giving occasions and I was horrified- they glance at the gift and then toss it aside to claw at the next one. It's disappointing to see them act that way and not have any comprehension of people who are less fortunate around them.
The ironic part is that my husband and I are the ones who make the least amount of money compared to my brother and his wife and my SIL and her husband and we're the ones who are the smartest with money and who donate and give to others as much as we can. Interesting how that works out, isn't it?
Consider doing a massive declutter of your home - not only of stuff but of activities. Pare down to the essentials, and behavior tends to improve.
Look up Simplicity Parenting online. There's a site, a book, a blog... Some really good resources.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
