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Here is the story: Yesterday I'm driving to workout and notice my wife driving my son home from school. She should be at work and I'm done working. Hum! I call and she hesitantly tells me my son had a detention. It's his first one ever and probably served its purpose and his behavior should change for the better. Now with that said, today I'm driving home from work and can not get a hold of my wife or son, this goes on for an hour and a half. Finally my son answered his phone. I said where you at, he said Moms work. Joking I said did you have another detention. He seriously said yes, in a different class. Please tell me why she is hiding this from me.
one of my favorite quotes in life "its easier to be a cop than a coach in life
a cop criticizes , while a coach supports and advises/teaches
Have you been either?
I've known a lot of cops & coaches in my life, perhaps been both myself ...
An interesting comment about policing is "Give either the lecture or the ticket, but not both."
A lot of coaches are more hypercritical than instructive. Somewhat like parents.
Not knowing you or your wife, my first guess is that she's afraid you'll flip out and issue an overly harsh punishment.
You should ask her why she didn't tell you if you can do it calmly and rationally. If you ask her and you two end up having a fight or upset with each other, I think it's safe to say she didn't tell you because she was afraid of your reaction.
Well, you could ask her, or lots of people who don't know her or you ...
Again?
The old quips between kids and parents is obviously true here.
If out and about with dad and you do something dad knows mom won't necessarily understand/approve of dad will often tell the kid/kids.."don't tell mom". It is their little secret and that bond of trust is established.
Lying? Not necessarily, more like maitaining peace in the household.
The same holds true when out with mom and she says "don't tell dad".
What is not said is "don't tell 'insert name'...or there will be hell to pay".
It has been going on since families existed. Unless you come from a weird family.
I had a teacher tell me that children shouldn't be punished at home for what happened to a school any more than children should be punished at school for what they did at home. I agree with that for the most part. Detention is punishment enough for the types of things that get detention. It would be more appropriate to punish for things that earn suspension or expulsion. Even then, it's a case by case basis and should be carefully assessed.
My mother, a teacher, would laugh at such a suggestion. I did get detention, it didn't teach me a thing. I laughed through the whole thing.
I sure didn't laugh when my mother learned about it. Her punishment was far more severe than any detention where I had to sit in the principle's office and listen to him prattle on for two hours. That was a cake walk.
Of course the parents should punish their kids for acting up at school. If I had only to serve detention and got no other punishment from it, I guarantee I would have acted up again. The detention was a joke.
I would be upset if my wife didn't tell me, but I am a pretty calm and patient person for the most part. I try to think through my reaction, when possible. generally I think discipline should be a mutual decision, and mutually supported.
Your wife probably should have said, "Bobby got a detention, we talked about it and feel like we have it under control."
Then you would say, okay, thanks, I'll talk with him tonight. At which time you would talk to him, but not discipline him, just so he is aware you know what's up and do not approve.
I had a teacher tell me that children shouldn't be punished at home for what happened to a school any more than children should be punished at school for what they did at home. I agree with that for the most part. Detention is punishment enough for the types of things that get detention. It would be more appropriate to punish for things that earn suspension or expulsion. Even then, it's a case by case basis and should be carefully assessed.
If one of my kids' teachers told that to me, I'd simply ask that they let me make the decisions with regards to how I discipline my children. What I wouldn't tell that teacher is just how much respect for the person I lost as a result of that conversation....
The idea that the school and the parent should be separate entities when it comes to setting boundaries and disciplining a child is absurd. Actually, I'd go so far as to call it asinine. I send my children to school with the expectation that they will be in an environment that fosters learning and prepares them, at least to some degree, for life out in the real world. If my child is disrupting that environment for other people's kids, then I'd want to be made aware of it to reinforce the idea that their behavior is inappropriate and a poor reflection of them. Not to mention, my wife and I, as their parents.
This actually reminds me of an episode in my middle school years. It was the one time I ever did anything to get in trouble while in school, and the Asst Principal gave me the option of in school spanking or after school detention. I rationalized that it would be preferable to get spanked by a stranger and be done with the discipline than detention. The reason being that my dad would find out about the detention and then subject me to spanking at home... The in school spanking taught me more about thinking down the road and planning for the most lenient punishment... It certainly failed to teach me remorse for what I had done.
Buy yeah, you go ahead and think of the in-school punishments as sufficient for your kids.
OP, you've already admitted to "going overboard." Now, maybe your wife is some kind of enabling mother who spoils her kids relentlessly. But the fact that you haven't indicated that is the case AND the fact of your admission make me think it's time to take a good long look at yourself and how you handle things. Your wife seems to feel she is protecting the child you have together from you. That's a problem.
I'd say it's time for some marriage counseling. And maybe parenting classes. But I don't know for sure which of you needs them based on this info.
1) you over-react and its too stressful for them to face
2) your wife is painting you in a bad light and is being excessively permissive to gain favor with your son.
Which ever it is, a neutral talk is in order. Confusion not confrontation. And changes made on both of your part.
If it is that you over react, you will have to work on that and gain trust back. If she is trying to gain favor, you all might need a therapist to work on that together.
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