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Well, I'm sorry but certain things are not an option. Moving is basically a must due to distance. There's really no way around it.
My girlfriend is not a naive girl in her 20s, she's 34 years old, we are doing what we have to for the relationship as well.
Some things have to be done, this is one of them.. I'm sorry if you guys do not agree with this.. but we're all dealt cards and have to play them regardless of the flop. Unless you want to fold and I'm not looking to do that.
This is an immature answer. Your gf's daughter's well-being - mental, physical, emotional - should be your gf's first priority. You're acting like you have no choices--you do. There are always choices.
Just be prepared and patient. She is 12 years old and will soon be entering the dreaded teenage years. My mom remarried when I was 12 and even though I generally liked him (and had known him for 3 years at this point), I put my step-dad through hell for a few years with my mood swings and general poor attitude.
Honestly though, I feel like you're jumping the gun. This is a HUGE deal for this little girl. And yes, she may like you. But how much time have you really spent with her? It's great you want to introduce her to your hobbies and I agree with the other poster that you should also try to get into some of hers. But are you making this move out of necessity to see her mother and avoid a long-distance relationship or because you think she's really ready for you to move in? A year isn't very long to be dating when children are involved. Most people I know don't even introduce their children to a man or woman until several months after they've been dating.
And if something does happen and her mother and you split, are you going to continue to be a part of this little girl's life? I have a friend who became a step-mom and when her husband and her divorced, he didn't want her around the kid anymore and it broke both her and the little boy's heart.
Basically, I'm telling you to know what you're signing up for before you decide to take on the role of step-dad so no one involved gets hurt.
Quote:
Originally Posted by 3a's
I think you have a good head on your shoulders. If you are willing to move in with your girlfriend then you are taking on the role as a mentor and that is it with the 12 yr old unless she asks differently later in life for you to adopt once you are married and you and your girlfriend come to common grounds on parenting styles.
As for the marriage thing that is being tossed out. Many times with children involved as long you are in a committed relationship you should be fine with her and her daughter. Marriage used to be a sanctity into being involved and committed with that one person before GOD, however, looking at the divorce rate in this day and age this has changed.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mattie
I am very close to a young girl who accepted the man her mother was with because of his actions. What he did, was first and foremost, treated her mother with kindness and respect, always. He was divorced, and used to living on his own, but he stepped up his cleaning, cooking, etc, and became a partner in the best way.
He restricted his interactions with the girl to being a sounding board, for a couple of years. He left all discipline to the mother, but he has always made himself available to listen to whatever was on the girl's mind. He earned her trust, and they have a wonderful relationship now. He did not replace her father, who is still around. And one more thing, he never raises his voice. She dealt with screaming for too long before the parents divorced.
Yeah, that was kind of my thinking too. Not worry too much about discipline but at the same time keep her working hard and studying hard and give advice that a dad is supposed to give.
I guess I can only hope for the best and be a good guy.
This is an immature answer. Your gf's daughter's well-being - mental, physical, emotional - should be your gf's first priority. You're acting like you have no choices--you do. There are always choices.
It's not an immature answer. Her daughter's well being is in her best interest.
It is however immature to make assumptions of other people, especially when not knowing their circumstances.
I think you both need to slow down a bit and you need to get to know her daughter much better well before you move into the same home and you need to be married as well before you move in together.
Moving in together is not a must due to distance, you have dated this long with the distance you can date longer, get to know her daughter better, get married then move into the same home.
I think you both need to slow down a bit and you need to get to know her daughter much better well before you move into the same home and you need to be married as well before you move in together.
Moving in together is not a must due to distance, you have dated this long with the distance you can date longer, get to know her daughter better, get married then move into the same home.
The daughter is not moving right away, the mom will be traveling first to spend time with me and then later we will bring the daughter to visit. She will move in when we're married.
The daughter is not moving right away, the mom will be traveling first to spend time with me and then later we will bring the daughter to visit. She will move in when we're married.
She will be traveling back and forth.
oh good grief. You're going to uproot and shuffle this poor little 12yr. old around so she can 'visit'? Where is the daughter going to be when she's not with her mom? Don't you think the daughter may feel a little resentful when mom chooses to move in with you and leave her behind?
Have you guys really thought this through?
I seriously question your girlfriends abilities as a mother. Her daughter's feelings should come first, but that doesn't seem to be the case here.
The daughter is not moving right away, the mom will be traveling first to spend time with me and then later we will bring the daughter to visit. She will move in when we're married.
She will be traveling back and forth.
My dear, whether you want to read it or admit it or not, this woman leaving her child behind to be with you is a very big red flag.
I wish you all the best and I will be posting nothing further regarding this issue.
oh good grief. You're going to uproot and shuffle this poor little 12yr. old around so she can 'visit'? Where is the daughter going to be when she's not with her mom? Don't you think the daughter may feel a little resentful when mom chooses to move in with you and leave her behind?
Have you guys really thought this through?
I seriously question your girlfriends abilities as a mother. Her daughter's feelings should come first, but that doesn't seem to be the case here.
That's your opinion.
The difference is, I know them both and I know how they are. I know the situation and what we're dealing with. You're judging something you have no clue about and something I was not even trying to discuss.
So while you think we're terrible people after reading 2 posts on a subject I did not even want to talk about, I will be happy with my girlfriend and making things work.
The daughter is not moving right away, the mom will be traveling first to spend time with me and then later we will bring the daughter to visit. She will move in when we're married.
She will be traveling back and forth.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lauriedeee
oh good grief. You're going to uproot and shuffle this poor little 12yr. old around so she can 'visit'? Where is the daughter going to be when she's not with her mom? Don't you think the daughter may feel a little resentful when mom chooses to move in with you and leave her behind?
Have you guys really thought this through?
I seriously question your girlfriends abilities as a mother. Her daughter's feelings should come first, but that doesn't seem to be the case here.
Quote:
Originally Posted by CSD610
My dear, whether you want to read it or admit it or not, this woman leaving her child behind to be with you is a very big red flag.
I wish you all the best and I will be posting nothing further regarding this issue.
Where is the daughter going to be when your GF is visiting you? Is she moving in with her father or grandparents? How long will she be separated from her mother? Also, you're in Chile--where are the mom and daughter right now?
It sounds like you are planning some very big changes for the girl, in addition to you and GF moving in together. That pleasant 12-year-old is due to change into a moody teenager any day. If you add possible anger, resentment and frustration from one or more moves, good luck.
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