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If you haven't done the bold part yet, DON'T. Really, really, don't. My brother-in-law was raised Catholic, my sister is some other sect of Christianity that isn't Catholic. I know that isn't detailed, but I'm not close to her and hear about this stuff through my mom. Anyway, my brother-in-law's mom doesn't really approve of my sister's sect of the same religion, and has actually given him marriage counseling pamphlets because of it. The consequences of this aren't good, because he's starting to resent his own mother for it and he justifiably takes offense to what she's doing. It's at a point where they're both avoiding spending time with his family. Is this really what you want to be to your son?
To be blunt: I think you're meddling WAY too much in your son's affairs. I agree with what others have pointed out in that he's young, figuring himself out and it will likely run its course and fizzle out. Honestly, if I were to date someone I'd want to be sure they're right for me, not my parents. I dated someone my parents liked, but we broke up. I've also dated people I know they wouldn't like, but we broke up because they weren't right for me. It was my choice to make, and this is your son's choice. I don't know what your son is like and how your relationship is, but if it were me, I would start to resent my mother if she got this level of involved with someone I was dating over something so trivial (and yes, I think religion is a trivial matter, especially in this case). The story would be different if the other person were physically or verbally abusive, leading me into crime or drug abuse, etc. But in this case, I think you're crossing a line and I think you should back off.
We have an awesome relationship. He calls me very other day from school and we gab.
He has been very open and respects my opinion ( on most things, not with music) I never had any problems with friends he brought home. With his good grades, respectful attitude and genuine kindness his whole life, and now his determination at college, our "backing off" or meddling has never been an issue. Trust me, he would say so and it's always been his way to come to me with problems, from a lost phone to a lost friend.
I don't "disapprove" of her, I don't like sneaking behind parents.
I used to teach math at a muslim school. Personally, I do not think most muslim girls in the USA really care all that much about staying muslim. They are just worried about disappointing their dad, and in the worst case, getting beat up by their dad or brothers. My students' favorite book was the graphic novel "Peresopolis" about a modern Iranian girl in the 1970s and 80s dealing with the Islamic Revolution. Not a very pro-muslim book. The girl's family is actually justified in their fear. If the girl stays in the USA, becomes a doctor, and marries a westerner, she will not stay muslim, certainly not in any devout way. However, since they are 18, I doubt the relationship will last.
Yeah, it's mostly the males who seem to be most devout and strict about Islamic laws and traditions, which is why some girls fear how their father, brothers, and other males in their family would react if they were not as devout with their Islamic beliefs and practices. That's why it's rare to see a Middle Eastern or Central/South Asian Muslim girl or woman even dating or marrying a Westerner or a non-Muslim, even though many of them personally would not have a problem doing so, if not for the fear of how the men in their families would react.
She is a sweet girl. As far as running off to Pakistan, her Dads job and his adamant determination that she attend medical school, as well as the importance of the younger sons education would lead me to think that would not happen.
She considers herself an American. She practices her religion i ( the Ramadan middle of the nite feasts, fasts, no meat,she dresses modestly (has never been in our pool) my son says she is very "moral."
Other then her education, her parents have no interest or respect for her passion, which is art and she is very very talented.i do fuss over it. She is always giving me gifts.
Both have such important schooling yet ahead, and youth on their side, I am just assuming someone new will catch his eye.
I appreciate all the responses and since it's anonymous, I don't think k he would mind that I asked you all your opinions, I think he will find these responses and different insights,very interesting.
You know, on a simple note, religion and culture aside,
This is America,
I honestly really resent that we raised such a wonderful young man, from a nice family,(married for decades) have been the "go to house" with pals with all 3 of our kids, he has never been in any trouble,his friends parents adore him and yet, he is not allowed in their home.
Really gets my Irish up!
He is not in physical danger from her relatives - SHE is! Muslim fathers and brothers have murdered their daughters/sisters/wives for perceived violations of the restrictions that they place upon their women. In some parts of the world, it can be for as little as stepping out of the house unescorted by their male "guardian". But even in the US, Muslim men have murdered their female relatives for any behavior that implies that they may have had sex outside of marriage.
I suggest you sit down with your son, and ask him if he wants to be the possible indirect cause of harm to this young woman. Point out to him that it is not wise to date someone whom one would not marry, and that when you marry someone, you marry their family, too. He is 18 and at a large college. There are so many other women to date. Why should he choose this "Romeo and Juliet" scenario, where Juliet could DIE at the hands of her male relatives? Why should he allow himself to be in a relationship where the young woman insists on hiding the relationship from her parents? Isn't he worth more than that?
And frankly, isn't it more than a little dishonest of her to take her father's monetary support, while violating the rules he sets? Is this the kind of woman he wants to be with? What makes him think that she wouldn't deceive him, just as she is deceiving her family?
He can do better.
Your second paragraph is a tad bit overly dramatic (lol), but the first paragraph is definitely true, sadly.
You know, on a simple note, religion and culture aside,
This is America,
I honestly really resent that we raised such a wonderful young man, from a nice family,(married for decades) have been the "go to house" with pals with all 3 of our kids, he has never been in any trouble,his friends parents adore him and yet, he is not allowed in their home.
Really gets my Irish up!
Religion and culture cannot be separated from the unfortunate result you are seeing. This girl's family might be IN America, but they are not OF America. They are Muslims from Pakistan, and their culture is simply not compatible with ours. This is a fact, and we ignore it to our detriment.
As a Muslim I can tell you that according to our religion she is doing something *very* wrong (as is defined by our religion) in what she is doing. This is not just because your son is a non-Muslim, but mainly because dating and free mixing between sexes without supervision is strictly prohibited. I would be most concerned for your son for simply the fact that she is being hypocritical in her actions, is hiding things away from her parents and family, and just doesn't seem to be an honest forthright person.
These sorts of behaviors could manifest themselves in very negative ways later on in the relationship as she is demonstrating very clearly that she is willing to lie and be untrustworthy when it satisfies her desires.
As a parent of a son, I would have the above concerns with such a girl no matter what her religion was.
You know, on a simple note, religion and culture aside,
This is America,
I honestly really resent that we raised such a wonderful young man, from a nice family,(married for decades) have been the "go to house" with pals with all 3 of our kids, he has never been in any trouble,his friends parents adore him and yet, he is not allowed in their home.
Really gets my Irish up!
I felt the same way when my son wasn't welcome at his girlfriend's house several years back. But, she wasn't Muslim, she was from a conservative Jewish family. And, as we saw in a recent thread here, some parents don't want their children dating outside their race.
It isn't always a religion issue, and but it's always hurtful to the kids involved.
As a Muslim I can tell you that according to our religion she is doing something *very* wrong (as is defined by our religion) in what she is doing. This is not just because your son is a non-Muslim, but mainly because dating and free mixing between sexes without supervision is strictly prohibited. I would be most concerned for your son for simply the fact that she is being hypocritical in her actions, is hiding things away from her parents and family, and just doesn't seem to be an honest forthright person.
These sorts of behaviors could manifest themselves in very negative ways later on in the relationship as she is demonstrating very clearly that she is willing to lie and be untrustworthy when it satisfies her desires.
As a parent of a son, I would have the above concerns with such a girl no matter what her religion was.
This is true. Before I reverted, I wanted to talk to an Imam about Islam. I was also writing a paper for a philosophy class. I remember it well: his wife was in the room with us. She was allowed to unveil because I am a woman, but when other men entered the room - she had to cover again.
When I was still practicing, my mentors were gracious about my parents being non-Muslim. However, one parent was a bit uncomfortable with my decision.
Also, I agree with your point "As a parent of a son, I would have the above concerns with such a girl no matter what her religion was." because this is wrong regardless of religion, race, gender, and sexuality. As I said yesterday - anyone who hides a relationship would automatically throw up red flags for me (I say this from experience - I dated two guys before I started practicing Islam... never dated after I left because I realized dating doesn't interest me - they hid our relationship from people. Of course, one parent didn't like them... but I was always truthful with my parents; them not so much... turns out they were cheaters, etc). Hiding things really concerns me.
OP, I don't think you're meddling. I'm glad your son is open with you. It sounds like he really wants your advice and since he wants your advice, that's not meddling. If your advice was unsolicited, then it would. I think soon he will realize that although she is nice, this is something he doesn't want to do for the rest of his life - hide his relationship and who he is.
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