Moving and bad parental decisions (step-dad, son, 13 year old, husband)
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If she had a really crappy father, this whole conversation would be mute because I would never consider leaving her with a dead beat. While we did not work out as a couple, he is a super dad and he has always been there for her. She's daddy's little girl and that's the way it should be right? I know that she would be safe with her dad, no matter what.
Unfortunately, her dad wants to be with his own dad and I can't blame him for wanting that and it works out since we want to move home too for our own purposes too. It doesn't make sense to wait it out so she can just be with her friends.
Just to clarify, this isn't something I was ever even considering. No. A thirteen year old doesn't get to make big financial decisions.
My question is this - where is the bio dad going to be living, Florida or Tennessee? Even though both states are in the southeast region of this country, they are still very far apart. What is your game plan if your daughter decides she wants to live with her dad instead of with you? Both states will be a bit of a culture shock to her, but I can see the possibility of a teenager preferring Florida over Tennessee. I can also see a teenage girl who is a daddy's girl wanting choosing to stay with her super dad who has always been there for her too.
Has this possibility been addressed between the adults?
My point is that bio-dad is also wanting to move also to be near his family. It's still a move for the family. It's not just about splitting people up. It's sounds like SoCal is an unrealistic place to stay. The daughter is going to be thrust out into the world in a few years. She'll possibly be forced to leave at that time if she isn't now.
My family moved two years ago when my oldest son was 13. It wasn't a move any of us wanted to make, but we had to move while we could or risk my husband losing his job due to layoffs. We moved to an area that had other people relocating just like we did. The kids have all made new friends. They also got to keep the old friends. They still Skype and text their old friends. We went back to visit at Christmas. There was a crowd waiting for them. It's possible to move on and keep the old friends.
Did you convince her dad to move to TN with you, or to move to FL near his dad?
If you live in different states, what happens to custody?
If the father stays in CA until your DD graduates, as you originally said he wanted to, then the courts would probably give him custody. Just because you're the mother doesn't mean you're guaranteed custody. The courts are likely to side with the father if it means she can stay in the environment and school she's used to. The exception would be if he's a bad father (you posted that he is not), or if she's in a terrible neighborhood/school, and your new home in TN would be in a far superior one. I think the overall education level of the SE tends to be lower though, so you'd probably need to be in a pretty expensive neighborhood for that. (You might want to check on that .)
If you move to TN and he moves to FL, who gets custody then? You can't just expect your child to go back and forth on weekends. My sister and her ex lived in different states, and it was a lot of work for the kids to go back and forth. They stayed with my sister during the school year, and spent summer vacations with their dad. MN and WI are close, so it was only a 6 hour drive if you go non-stop. But TN and FL are much farther apart.
It would be easier for her if you get your ex to move to TN with you, but is that really fair to ask him to follow you around? (Although it's not reallly fair to her daughter to make her have joint custody with parents in different states.)
Seriously? The friends of a 13 year old, who she'll leave anyway when she goes to college, outweighs anything else? It used to be that parents might wait if a kid was a junior or senior in H.S. (if the move wasn't for dire reasons) but now parents seem to be controlled by children they have no faith in to adjust and make new friends. What will she do when she goes to college? Go where all her friends go? Even if it is to a crummy school? Would you stay if it was your son?....What are your priorities?
Seriously? The friends of a 13 year old, who she'll leave anyway when she goes to college, outweighs anything else? It used to be that parents might wait if a kid was a junior or senior in H.S. (if the move wasn't for dire reasons) but now parents seem to be controlled by children they have no faith in to adjust and make new friends. What will she do when she goes to college? Go where all her friends go? Even if it is to a crummy school? Would you stay if it was your son?....What are your priorities?
I think people are skimming over some pertinent information.
The girls' parents don't live together. Her bio dad is very involved in her life. At 13, most judges will allow the child to choose which parent she lives with, if both parents can show that they are able and willing to take good care of her. The OP has stated repeatedly that the bio dad is a great dad.
So the plot thickens. It's not as much about the daughter's friends as it is about the very real possibility that it will be the DAUGHTER who can decide where she lives to some extent - not the OP.
That's the way these things go when the parents aren't together and both are very involved in the child's life. It's not always the parent's decision when it comes to where the teenager lives - often the courts leave that decision up to the child.
I guess this thread is more about the fear that we might be doing a disservice to our daughter.
I understand those concerns, completely. It's great that you are this concerned about your child's welfare.
It can be hard at that age to be uprooted from the neighborhood and friends you've grown up with. It causes problems for some kids, but not for others. If the new home will be in a better environment, than moving would be better for her than staying. Compare the city you want to move to with the one you're currently living in.
However, if this move means her parents would be in different states, far away, I think that's a much bigger concern.
Would the move to TN benefit your daughter? The only benefit I see to her that you've listed, is that your income would increase. How much would it increase? Would the increased income give her a better quality of life? Any other benefits?
You mentioned that you want to be closer to family. I want to move closer to my hometown for the same reason. But my DD is only 7, and has not yet formed any strong bonds with non-relatives yet. She's still young enough to benefit from being near extended family. Yours is already 13 and does have strong friendship bonds, and she's already getting to the age where family get-togethers are going to be considered "boring". If she hasn't bonded with relatives by now, there's a good chance that she might not anyway. At her age, the courts might see "being near extended family" as more a benefit to the parents than to the child. How do you see it?
Besides, her genetic relatives are not in TN. Her stepfather's relatives are. Moving to be close to her stepfather's relatives would be viewed as a benefit to her stepfather, but not necessarily to her.
You need to take all this into consideration and ask yourself if you think the move would make her life better, and give her a better future. Don't just ask if it will hurt her. Ask it if will help her.
As parents, you can't put your whole life on hold for your kids.
We moved from FL to CO as soon as our daughter finished middle school. She was VERY upset with us. We flew her up to MN to stay with her grandparents for a few weeks while we got the house packed up and moved it all out to CO. Then we flew her into Denver and showed her the the high school we enrolled her in and our new temporary apartment that we rented for 9 months while we house-hunted and tested the waters).
Within the first week of her arrival, she made captain of the volleyball team, made so many friends I can't count (the girls ate us out of house and home)! and she was having the time of her life.
She went on to college, got married, has a great job and would NEVER move back!
Her dad wants her with us in Tennessee, she also prefers the colder weather over the humidity (we visited his dad's side a couple of times over the years). Talking to him this morning, he has some things he needs to get taken care of regarding his family in Florida. Apparently his younger brother will be getting out of prison after 10 years this May and he wants to rebond with him as well. It turns out he may move faster than I thought (I thought we would be moving first).
My daughter may not share the same blood as my husband's relatives but they have always considered her family from day one. She has an amazing bond with his aunts and they adore her. I think we have been very very lucky when it comes to extended family.
Sounds to me like this move is both necessary and good (being nearer family is good). Your daughter will adjust. I moved across country at that age and made new friends quickly and was very happy.
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