GF and son living with me - getting kid to follow the rules (punish, teenager)
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We have discussed it, to her credit, she gives him crap about it too, and specifically about his attitude towards me sometimes.
I have, it's getting her to actually follow through on the discipline part which can be frustrating.
Your GF is the bigger problem than the boy. She's essentially skirting her parental responsibility and putting it on you to deal with. If time is always an issue. then she needs to put that sport on hold. If she's so reluctant to punish the boy and feels extremely guilty, then she has two choices: a= Get over it and deal with the problem or b= start cleaning the house up (which of course enables the boy, but that is the consequences of HER choice). I don't think it's at all fair for the boy to get yelled at for not helping to maintain the house when his mother isn't either.
I'm sorry but what chores does your girlfriend do around the house or is she excused because of her work schedule/participation in a sport? Was she this casual about housekeeping when she had her own place? Did you have a discussion about household expectations (are your standards much too high/ are her standards much too low) before moving in together?
Now the three of you need to sit down and have a discussion about who is responsible for what chores.
To me 9 months seems like an acceptably long amount of time.
I know some kids can be slow learners, but after days and weeks and months of coming home to simple things not being done correctly, this is obviously to me just flat out defiance... not a lack of understanding. It's disrespect
It's been the case the last couple of years, since not long before we met
Which is fine if he lived in his own place, but he don't
Like I said, clearly a lack of understanding of kids. I don't know how defiant he is but if he were clever like me at his age, you should feel lucky he hasn't sabotaged your relationship by now.
I'm sorry but what chores does your girlfriend do around the house or is she excused because of her work schedule/participation in a sport? Was she this casual about housekeeping when she had her own place? Did you have a discussion about household expectations (are your standards much too high/ are her standards much too low) before moving in together?
Now the three of you need to sit down and have a discussion about who is responsible for what chores.
This makes the most sense to me. Lowering the hammer on a kid that has been allowed to float will not work, especially when the one wielding the hammer is the mother's boyfriend.
It's not your job to make him do things. It's his mother's job. You say she's busy with work and "a sport". I'm assuming that work is mandatory, but parenting her child comes before the sport.
You have a relationship issue, not a step parent issue. Have a conversation alone with your girlfriend about how you would like the house to run, and how you and she can best accomplish that. Ask her what she thinks would be reasonable for her son to do, and tell her that it's her job to get him to do it - that you're gonna stay out of it.
It's hard enough for a teenage boy to accept his mom's new boyfriend. Just be the good time boyfriend fun guy for him. Let his mother take care of making him do chores. It's enough if he is just happy to be living with you, instead of resentful of you.
Most of the respondents are making this seem as if the issues is a distribution of chores. I disagree with that and think the chores are a symptom of a far greater problem.
If I'm reading this correctly, your girlfriend and her son are now in your home and your presence in their lives has improved their day-to-day living situation a lot. Their financial situation is improved, she has someone to supervise her son when she has to work late or do her sport, etc. I assume that on your end, you are enjoying her company.
But since there is now trouble in paradise, I think you three need a few meetings with a family therapist. But not any family therapist, the kind that assists groups in drawing up contracts (not merely lists of chores each is responsible for). Your girlfriend needs a contract even more than her son does. She needs to promise to pull her weight on the home front, which includes consistently parenting him to standards the two of you agree on. And you need a contract that will keep your behavior consistent, too, instead of one day you are buying a Playstation and the next day you are locking it in the closet.
There also have to be consequences for any of you not living to the standards of the contract. These consequences have to be clear-cut AND stuck to.
The love you have for your girlfriend is going to dissipate pretty fast if this situation isn't gotten in hand. And if you break up there will be bad feelings on all sides and possibly additional chaos in her son's already historically chaotic life.
If this relationship collapses, it seems like they have a lot more to lose than you do. But if they don't see it that way, that tells you a lot about your importance in their lives. Right now your girlfriend is acknowledging that you are "right," but not to the point that she changes her habits to support you. It would be sad if they were with you mostly because it gets them things they didn't have before, but better you know this now than after you commit to a legal marriage.
I see your problem as actually being more with your girlfriend than with her son. A 13-year-old who has only answered to mom and grandma all his life (and seems to have them twisted around his finger) can't possibly be expected to understand what it means that you have been placed in a parental role in his life. He likely doesn't see any advantage to your presence. If you weren't there he might have fewer material things, but he would be back to his former situation of living like he wants to from day to day (and please don't think he cares that he's in a nicer house).
It's certainly unfair to you, but he probably sees you as that guy who giveth and then taketh away ... capriciously. When he is an adult, it's possible he will see this differently and be sorry he behaved the way he did. But that's a long way off.
Since you love his mother, it's probably easier for you to make him the object of the discontent in your life rather than her. But she's the real issue. If you are supporting her career and sports goals and making her life a lot better, she owes you respect (through actions, not merely words). If she disagrees with your standards of day-to-day living, she's entitled. But then she needs to speak up and negotiate something tenable to you. As it stands now, she is letting her son take the blame for life at home not working out. If she honestly does agree to your standards, then she needs to step up to the plate and parent her child.
She is wrong to put you in the position of being the enforcer. And if that means she has to make some serious sacrifices in terms of how she spends her time, so be it. If you have depicted this situation correctly, she is structuring her life so that her personal goals (work and sports) are #1 in her life, her son's happiness is #2, and you are a distant #3. Are you OK with that? Maybe he's not either and that's why he is acting out (but blaming you).
This is never going to get better until all the cards are on the table. If you continue to live as a family, her son is in your life for at least five more years. If you don't want to see a therapist, perhaps a family counseling center in your area has a dispute mediator on staff who can help you. All three of you would benefit from telling your sides of this story to a dispassionate third party who can guide you to some equitable solution.
Each of you has responsibilities as well as perks in your group life and it doesn't seem that they are balanced at this time. Best of luck to you.
Last edited by Jukesgrrl; 04-27-2015 at 04:34 PM..
Reason: addd info
I agree that living in a nicer house is probably not as big a deal to the boy as you think. Pretty much any kid will tell you that you can't buy respect or love.
I agree that living in a nicer house is probably not as big a deal to the boy as you think. Pretty much any kid will tell you that you can't buy respect or love.
Instead of taking things away and getting involved in endless power struggles, perhaps a family meeting about what needs to be done around the place and how you are going to divide up the chores needed to keep a home running smoothly.
Our kids resented having to do all the tedious cleaning chores while I got to do the fun chores like shopping for groceries, planning meals, etc. So we changed it up.
We put the various chores in pie pieces of a paper plate. Names on clothespins. Clothespins attached to each pie of chores.
We'd decide every Sunday whose clothespin was attached to which pie for the next week.
There were also benefits attached to each piece of pie as well.
Last edited by GotHereQuickAsICould; 04-27-2015 at 05:35 PM..
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This makes the most sense to me. Lowering the hammer on a kid that has been allowed to float will not work, especially when the one wielding the hammer is the mother's boyfriend.
