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Im sure they are. They are the parents that have taught their kids the values to be able to leave the house and 18 and take care of themselves with good work ethic. The ones who dont are the ones posting on City Data that they are afraid in their own houses, that they can't get their 20 somethings out of the house, they wont work, all they do is play on their computers.
Im afraid the OP is on that same path, unless she takes control of her home back. Right now that spoiled kid runs the show.
There is a middle ground. None of my posts to the OP suggest in anyway to just give him what he wants and they do state that he does need to find a job. However, rather then being a hard ass just to provecyou can be one and escalate the situation until no one wins...how about a parent taking steps to guide the young man to a better outcome?
What's the goal in raising kids? Have them fear you until your legal responsibility is done. Kick them out the door at 18 and then have them want nothing to do with you....or raise an independent adult that continues to be part of the family?
Stop using the word control with him. You controlling him, him controlling you. You need to be TEACHING him life lessons. .
This! I never quite understood the idea of parents controlling their kids. If a parent believes it is so very important to have power over their (especially older) children in decision making that affects the kid, maybe they should take a look at themselves.
Sure, you have to control them while young to the extent of not running in the street or sticking a fork in a socket, but how about nipping power struggles in the bud by not introducing them at all? Teach your kids how to think. Teach them how to figure out what they have to do to get to where they want to go. REAL cause and effect. From birth.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ScarletG
What's the goal in raising kids? Have them fear you until your legal responsibility is done.......or raise an independent adult that continues to be part of the family?
At some point, I believe, parents have to stop telling their kids what they should do and start relying on their kids to want to do things for their own benefit. Unfortunately, this process has to be started early and I see a lot of parents of teens who completely dropped the ball in raising adults.
Have you tried sitting down with him and saying, "Hey, in two short years you are going to be an adult man who is responsible for his own life" and then engage in a friendly, mentor-type discussion about where he wants to be, what he wants to be doing and how he is going to get there. Ask questions like, "Do you think having job experience will help you get the career you want?"
Parents can't be their kids' best friends, but they can't be Mommy and Daddy forever either. We are training kids to be adults - hopefully well-adjusted, self-motivated, productive ones. The best way to get there is for them to WANT to get there. "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink." Teens are often much more like the stubbornest mule on earth though.
sounds about right to me. good luck and don't give up on them. but sometimes you have to back away from the younger child role and be a parent for an almost adult. is different
OP it sounds as if your son is lacking direction. You can't let him tell you what to do. As a parent we teach our children how to live in the real world. Can you imagine telling your boss. "Until I get my new computer I am not going to work".
If he can't get a job, what about volunteering? You may be worried about him because of his emotions, but he will never learn how to control them if you keep coddling him.
My uncle used to "pay" his kids a minimum wage salary for doing things around the house in the summer so they made about as much as they would working some menial job. He always said that he wanted them to have time to be kids and that there will be plenty of time in their lives to work.
Two of three turned out pretty darned good. I think there are advantages to having kids have to apply for and hold a job, especially as they approach their senior year.
At some point, I believe, parents have to stop telling their kids what they should do and start relying on their kids to want to do things for their own benefit. Unfortunately, this process has to be started early and I see a lot of parents of teens who completely dropped the ball in raising adults.
Have you tried sitting down with him and saying, "Hey, in two short years you are going to be an adult man who is responsible for his own life" and then engage in a friendly, mentor-type discussion about where he wants to be, what he wants to be doing and how he is going to get there. Ask questions like, "Do you think having job experience will help you get the career you want?"
Parents can't be their kids' best friends, but they can't be Mommy and Daddy forever either. We are training kids to be adults - hopefully well-adjusted, self-motivated, productive ones. The best way to get there is for them to WANT to get there. "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink." Teens are often much more like the stubbornest mule on earth though.
That is a very valid point.
Will you son be ready to live on his own in just two years?
Even if he is going to college and may be a "semi-adult" for a few years does he have the information and skills to be successful?
I'll share a funny (sad) story. When my son was in graduate school he moved to a new state and shared an apartment with two other guys (strangers to him) who were also graduate students. My son, a rather independent, self-reliant guy, was surprised to discover that these "men" in their middle 20s had no housekeeping skills at all. One went home every weekend and his mother sent all of the food that he would need for the next week in storage containers for the refrigerator & freezer. Plus she did his laundry and paid for a cleaning person to come to the apartment. The other ate most his meals out and paid someone to do his laundry.
A few weeks after my son moved in he came home and the electricity was turned off in the apartment. He finally tracked down one of his room mates and asked what had happened. It turned out that the former room mate, who had moved out months earlier, had been in charge of paying the electricity and it never occurred to the room mates who were left to have the bill changed to one of their names. My son said it was like living with two 11 year old kids and moved out as soon as his lease ran out.
The reason that I am mentioning this is because the OP never really mentioned what type of chores that they wanted the son to do this summer. If he is 16, and two years away from college or maybe moving out on his own, cooking, cleaning, laundry and other household chores are important skills for him to learn. Maybe he already does those things and his parents want him to do more, such as house repairs or painting or summer yard work instead of, or in addition to a paying job.
Last edited by germaine2626; 06-14-2015 at 09:16 AM..
But then I remember the time I spent working minimum wage backbreaking jobs out in the hot sun, and I realize that experience was valuable to me. I wouldn't trade it for goofing off or anything that was not also some form of hard work.
Agree 100%. I don't care what your income level is, every kid needs to have some really crappy job at some point. It's just one of those things that everyone who has had those jobs understands the value of later in life. It's a good way to take half a step into the real world while still having the safety net of mom and dad. Most importantly, it makes it abundantly clear why excelling in school and then going to college or technical college later is so important.
Another thing: the work you do in these jobs is really crappy, but somehow a lot of us found a way to make these jobs some of the funnest jobs we will ever have.
Will you son be ready to live on his own in just two years?
Even if he is going to college and may be a "semi-adult" for a few years does he have the information and skills to be successful?
The reason that I am mentioning this is because the OP never really mentioned what type of chores that they wanted the son to do this summer. If he is 16, and two years away from college or maybe moving out on his own, cooking, cleaning, laundry and other household chores are important skills for him to learn. Maybe he already does those things and his parents want him to do more, such as house repairs or painting or summer yard work instead of, or in addition to a paying job.
Absolutely.
My eldest son is 17 and I have no plans to kick him out at 18. I have no plans for him at all, because he has plans for himself. They're not set in stone and I make a point to remind him that what he wants at 17 is probably going to be very different than what he wants at 20, 25, 30 etc.
He knows how much adult bills are, what different levels of income can get him in terms of housing and lifestyle, how to research job outlook and income, what skills or education are needed for each. He can cook, clean, sew, tend a yard and garden, change a tire and the oil, etc.
Keep calm, forget power/control and raise adults who are ready and able to take reins of their own lives.
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