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My husband have a half sister in Ukraine that lives with both his and her mom. Right now we're financially supporting them because the mother can't work and the sister is in school, there is no dad. The amount of support we give is more than enough given how the locals there lives, there were times where they needed money more frequently and we just got it under control. The problem lies in the sister, she is very spoiled, mostly because they had a good life back then. Also she is a teenager so she can be very manipulative, the mom can't do much about her, and it end up affecting everyone. She also has a bf that apparently we supported because he has no parents that supports him (we didn't know about it until they announced they want to get married), he finished his school but has a job that hardly supports him. The mother always gives into the sisters demand and gets drunk so more easily manipulated by the sister. So one time she was drunk again and was at a friends house because the sister told on her to the grandmother. We were able to talk with a friend there and she told us some info that was alarming, and some stuff the mom never told us. The friend said the mom is too nice and lenient towards the sister and bf and gives them 5x the money vs herself, so they can get better food and money to spend. The sister (maybe even the bf) had purposely gotten her drunk and even slipped pills into her drink she she can pass out and steal her money.
So the logical thing would be cutting back on the money, but my husband thinks the more important thing is to have the mom never drink again, and threaten to cut back if found out shes drinking. Also the mom would need to stop giving the sister allowances for petty things. We're just afraid the sister would do something stupid if she feels like she is not allowed to do whatever she wants, not just stealing stuff. I'm on the fence about basically giving only the min. or give the money to someone else to manage, but my husband don't want them to live poorly and i can understand it, I just think it'll be the most effective thing in the long run and give us some room to breath. The easiest thing to do is just give them not enough money for the mom to spoil her, but my husband will feel guilty they cant have any nice things, or somehow the mom needs to be more disciplined in herself and the sister. Is it the only way for me to play the bad guy here?
It is hard to monitor something long distance. Is there a way that you could just pay the major bills, like the rent and the utilities, directly to the landlord or the utility companies? And maybe send money directly to a grocery store for credit to buy food? Then the daughter can't steal money from her mother and the mother can't use it for alcohol. BTW, it is almost impossible to stop an alcoholic from drinking even if they live in the same house with you. I can't imagine how you would do it if they lived in another country.
Or is there someone that you trust in the other country who can give the family the money in small amounts "like an allowance"?
I would be really worried about a daughter who drugs her mother's drink to steal money. How old is the daughter? Perhaps, she should be "encouraged" to move out and support herself.
This isn't really a parenting issue, but a relationship one between you, your husband, and his family.
However... I'm floored that your husband sends money overseas with no accountability. Pay the rent? Fine. Help with schooling? Again, fine. But to send money that ends up being spent on alcohol and who knows what else is is crazy.
There is nothing you can do from a distance to control the sister's behavior, and probably not much you could do if you were there either. Same thing regarding the mother's alcohol abuse. All you can do is tighten the purse strings to pay documented expenses only. Left to their own devices, they may just figure it all out.
Hi, you have some good point. Well I don't think they pay rent because the house is brought. The other stuff maybe internet and other utilities. I'm not sure how feasible it is to pay the utilities from here. I'm going to convenience my husband to maybe give the money to the grandmother, but they're both afraid the grandmothers health and getting her too involved is probably not a good thing But we have yet find someone to be trustworthy enough, we were hoping the mom would be responsible. The daughter is around 17, so theoretically she is probably capable of supporting herself, but the mom wants her to finish school and probably will never cut her off, my husband wont allow it either.
My husband have a half sister in Ukraine that lives with both his and her mom. Right now we're financially supporting them because the mother can't work and the sister is in school, there is no dad. The amount of support we give is more than enough given how the locals there lives, there were times where they needed money more frequently and we just got it under control. The problem lies in the sister, she is very spoiled, mostly because they had a good life back then. Also she is a teenager so she can be very manipulative, the mom can't do much about her, and it end up affecting everyone. She also has a bf that apparently we supported because he has no parents that supports him (we didn't know about it until they announced they want to get married), he finished his school but has a job that hardly supports him. The mother always gives into the sisters demand and gets drunk so more easily manipulated by the sister. So one time she was drunk again and was at a friends house because the sister told on her to the grandmother. We were able to talk with a friend there and she told us some info that was alarming, and some stuff the mom never told us. The friend said the mom is too nice and lenient towards the sister and bf and gives them 5x the money vs herself, so they can get better food and money to spend. The sister (maybe even the bf) had purposely gotten her drunk and even slipped pills into her drink she she can pass out and steal her money.
So the logical thing would be cutting back on the money, but my husband thinks the more important thing is to have the mom never drink again, and threaten to cut back if found out shes drinking. Also the mom would need to stop giving the sister allowances for petty things. We're just afraid the sister would do something stupid if she feels like she is not allowed to do whatever she wants, not just stealing stuff. I'm on the fence about basically giving only the min. or give the money to someone else to manage, but my husband don't want them to live poorly and i can understand it, I just think it'll be the most effective thing in the long run and give us some room to breath. The easiest thing to do is just give them not enough money for the mom to spoil her, but my husband will feel guilty they cant have any nice things, or somehow the mom needs to be more disciplined in herself and the sister. Is it the only way for me to play the bad guy here?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Eatcake
Hi, you have some good point. Well I don't think they pay rent because the house is brought. The other stuff maybe internet and other utilities. I'm not sure how feasible it is to pay the utilities from here. I'm going to convenience my husband to maybe give the money to the grandmother, but they're both afraid the grandmothers health and getting her too involved is probably not a good thing But we have yet find someone to be trustworthy enough, we were hoping the mom would be responsible. The daughter is around 17, so theoretically she is probably capable of supporting herself, but the mom wants her to finish school and probably will never cut her off, my husband wont allow it either.
So, Mom is giving her 17 year old daughter & the daughter's BF five times the money that she is using herself? Obviously, you are sending too much money.
It is often hard to control a difficult teenager living in your own home let alone a teenager living on another continent.
Simple, give them less money, now that she is married she gets no money. She is a wife and her and her husband can work.
Whatever you are giving now, give 2/3s or half. Then keep bringing down the number until mom has no choice but to tell her daughter she doesn't have the money. You'll know when you reach that number when your SIL calls pissed off and screaming, but then you tell her she's a selfish brat and to go get a job.
Simple, give them less money, now that she is married she gets no money. She is a wife and her and her husband can work.
Whatever you are giving now, give 2/3s or half. Then keep bringing down the number until mom has no choice but to tell her daughter she doesn't have the money. You'll know when you reach that number when your SIL calls pissed off and screaming, but then you tell her she's a selfish brat and to go get a job.
Obviously your family thinks you are all rich.
Well yes, I told my husband about giving less money. But back then we though they just need that much money for some reason and we got used to it. Now seeing how most of the money was probably spent on petty things, cigarettes and cheap alcohol I am convinced that it's not helping them and it'd benefit us to keep some of that money. But my husband still sees it as a way of providing them a good life because the money difference is pretty big here to there. I mean I want them to have a higher standard of living than most people there, but it won't help if they don't make good use of it or gets too comfortable and not think of ways to sustain themselves.
Is there any way to contact an attorney, or a financial planner in the Ukraine who can dole out the funds as needed?
Realistically, your husband is not providing them with the good life he intended. He's making it easy for them to pay for their vices of tobacco and alcohol. It would be one thing if they were able to moderate their usage, but since they can't, he's contributing to their early death.
I would venture to guess you could contact the companies involved for cable television, internet, telephone, etc and they could help you figure out how to pay them directly.
The utility companies might be the same but it is hard to say without contacting them.
As far as the rest of the money needed for food and other necessity items, send one amount that they will have to learn how to budget and stretch until the next month.
Then if they run out of money they do without until the next allowance comes through.
I would also ask your husband if he thinks it is fair to take away from his family (you, his wife, children if you have them)
to support those in another country who are doing nothing to help support themselves.
Helping support someone is very different than someone taking complete advantage of the goodness of others and not seeking a way to better their own lives.
Is he planning on supporting the sister after she turns 18 and is out of school but not working because her brother from the USA has no problem supporting her and her boyfriend and all of her vices?
What about your future, your retirement and what is going to happen if there is an illness or an accident and you need all the money in your household to keep yourselves sustained?
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