My child whines too much even at 6 years old! (method, pills, games)

[scratchie]

Originally Posted by midlifeman

I thought that the whiney stage would go away like it did with our first child, but I was wrong. Any tips for teaching her to handle her communication better. It's not that she is bad, but when she doesn't get her way or doesn't like something her loud voice and whiney manner act up. When we tell her there is a better way to act or control her emotions she tells us she can't calm down.

What say ye parents. Any suggestions?

We've been dealing with this with our 7-year-old twins. We say "Whiners don't get what they want". So far, that's gotten them to cease whining. Check back in 6-12 months to see if it "sticks".

[April R]

I have 7 yr old twins!!

[NY Annie]

As a behavior mod technique, ignore is the most difficult to pull off and one of the best for extinguishing a behavior. No, it isn't easy to ignore, but it can be done. Note that the behavior at first increases in frequency. Ignore does not mean give it attention even once because that is a reward.

Because of the above, I don't believe most parents can properly ignore that kind of behavior. I like hugging but don't think it appropriate to reward the whining behavior with a hug. Calmly and quietly help your child to restate the request - repeatedly if necessary - until it comes out in a normal voice. A short story and the end to whining by my 3 yr old: He whined about needing a snack, response: please say it again without whining; repeat this until I replied with: "swallow that whine and you can have a snack." Well, the poor kid tried: he "swallowed" with a gulp - loud and clear and it startled him and we all had a chuckle. Following that, whenever he whined, I would ask if that was his whiney voice and he would gulp and speak normally. It didn't last long and the whiney period was over.

It's worth a try - find some way to interject humor into the whiney behavior - and then use it. It removes the tension which is often a part of the whining and everyone "saves face".

[JrzDefector]

Just send her to her room when she's whining at home and tell her to stay there until her attitude adjusts because obviously she needs some time to compose herself. Don't let her get a rise out of you and don't give in.

And yeah, take a look at yourself too. What are you doing to foster her behavior? Don't just classify her as a whiner like it's all her responsibility. She's 6. Maybe you're perfect parents, but constant whiners usually don't come out of nowhere. As others have mentioned: Are you giving her enough attention? Are you maintaining proper boundaries/limits? Are you co-parenting effectively with her other parent? Are you providing a good example and modeling the behavior you want to see from your child?

When she speaks to you in a mature way, be sure to praise her.

I don't have kids. I have dogs (and a lot of people close to me who are parents). And basically what 39 years of having dogs have taught me is you need to be super clear about limits but also effusive with praise when they do things right, even the little stuff.

One HUGE difference though: With dogs, a simple "good boy" or a tossed treat works, but with kids you have to be very specific with your praise - what exactly they did to make you happy and why they should keep doing it. As in, "I really like how you included Katie's little sister in the game you were playing. That was a very kind and mature thing to do. I'm really proud to have such a good-hearted daughter." That kind of thing.

[el_marto]

Just stop acknowledging it, she won't bother if she realises it's not working.

[midlifeman]

Interesting responses here. This is our second child, so I speak from experience when it comes to whining. The first child all I had to do is raise my voice followed up with a lecture. This doesn't work for our second child and she is not spoiled (she chops wood as one of her chores...seriously) I don't mind being held accountable as a parent, but I need some out of the box ideas here.

Here are the things that DON'T work thus far, in case your wondering
ignoring it
taking away a toy as punishment
Lecture (but still necessary in my opinion)
sending her to the room
Hugs/codeling
Using a different voice/telling her I don't respond to whining
distracting her to calm her down (sometimes works but I don't support it typically)

P.S. We don't have awards for NOT whining, but we reward for random acts of kindness or thought. For every act of kindness she picks one colored fuzzy ball to put into the jar. When the jar is full she gets to choose a special activity with the family.

[Northern Maine Land Man]

The child whines because she finds it to be effective. It gets her what she wants.

[BirdieBelle]

Originally Posted by midlifeman

Interesting responses here. This is our second child, so I speak from experience when it comes to whining. The first child all I had to do is raise my voice followed up with a lecture. This doesn't work for our second child and she is not spoiled (she chops wood as one of her chores...seriously) I don't mind being held accountable as a parent, but I need some out of the box ideas here.

Here are the things that DON'T work thus far, in case your wondering
ignoring it
taking away a toy as punishment
Lecture (but still necessary in my opinion)
sending her to the room
Hugs/codeling
Using a different voice/telling her I don't respond to whining
distracting her to calm her down (sometimes works but I don't support it typically)

Lecturing is the adult version of whining. A 6-year-old is not going to be swayed by your expository skills.

Just like losing weight, whining doesn't "go away". You reinforced this habit, and you will have to change YOUR habits to stop it.

[midlifeman]

A lot of people think that whining is a response to something she needs or wants, but that is not always the case with a 6 year old. That typically applies to a 3 year old that has difficulty communicating. Sometimes it's about conflict resolution and other times it's so and so called me a name and I can't get over it so I'm going to whine for the next hour. And sometimes it's physical,...I'm completely exhausted and strung out.

I think where I can probably do a better job is to take the time to help her with the conflict she is having by showing her or telling her there is a better way to communicate. Acknowledge her emotion about the situation and guide her verbally through it. Rinse and repeat until she is about 30 years old.

[BirdieBelle]

Originally Posted by midlifeman

Rinse and repeat until she is about 30 years old.

If that's how you want to do it. Doesn't sound much fun to me.

The sections in bold are what you need to revise:

Originally Posted by midlifeman

This is our second child, so I speak from experience when it comes to whining. The first child all I had to do is raise my voice followed up with a lecture. This doesn't work for our second child and she is not spoiled (she chops wood as one of her chores...seriously) I don't mind being held accountable as a parent, but I need some out of the box ideas here.

Here are the things that DON'T work thus far, in case your wondering
ignoring it
taking away a toy as punishment
Lecture (but still necessary in my opinion)
sending her to the room
Hugs/codeling
Using a different voice/telling her I don't respond to whining
distracting her to calm her down (sometimes works but I don't support it typically)

P.S. We don't have awards for NOT whining, but we reward for random acts of kindness or thought. For every act of kindness she picks one colored fuzzy ball to put into the jar. When the jar is full she gets to choose a special activity with the family.

It seems like you KNOW (cognitively) what works and does not work but still cling to your philosophical opposition, for whatever reason.

As for the ball in the jar, I don't like token economies, mainly because it is just more work for everyone that distracts you from the actual point, which is to raise a person who understands the intrinsic value of considering how their actions affect other people.