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I think 17 is by far the hardest age. Its that "Im almost 18" thing...its just...not fun. I gave up a lot of my rules when they hit that phase. I kept only the really important ones. They had to keep going to school, they couldn't have pot or alcohol in the house or be under the influence (we had small children at home too), They had to come in before 10:30. This was specific to us because they could also stay at their mom's house down the road who didn't need them in at a certain time. You would pick a few that suit your own lifestyle and what is important for you.
My question, is she making plans for after graduation? Is she keeping her grades up? Is she preventing pregnancy? Those are very important.
I would for sure stay in therapy for you...but also pick your battles. Let her have real world consequences. At this point, we need to really focus on keeping them alive and in one piece...but not micro manage every single decision she makes.
Actually drinking is pretty normal. I did not drink as a teen and I was definitely the odd ball out. And I know that is the same for the high schools here. Drinking and pot are pretty rampant unfortunately. She is either depressed or trying to fit in. She probably needs to figure out where she is at. Who she is. And it might be a struggle for her. If she feels confident in herself she shouldn't rely on drugs or alcohol as much. But its a common crutch among adults.
I agree drinking is pretty normal. I would worry about finding a bottle under the bed though. Is she drinking alone? Thats an issue. And excessive pot use. I don't blame her for not talking to her therapist after that. I would wonder if you can use her phone or car to leverage her to see another therapist...and this one will not be talking to you unless she is actually suicidal.
If it was heroin...I get the therapist telling you. She did over step when she told you about the pot use...in my opinion. We had our teen foster daughter in therapy and she never "told on" her for anything. She did talk to me about how to deal with some of her behaviors, but nothing she was told.
I'm shaking my head at the replies here. Is she drinking alone? Here. Let me answer that. No, she's preflighting before going out with her friends.
I was a rebellious teenager, too. And my mom didn't give a hoot. When I raised my two, I was strict and they can't look back and tell me I didn't care or try.
You care that she's smoking pot. You care that she's drinking. You care that she's so frickin' disrespectful that you'd like to keep her home from a class trip (where she will probably be smoking and drinking). When's the trip? Maybe you can steer her behavior in the form of a bribe. How bad does she want to go? Why don't you threaten to go with as a chaperon?
Just because "kids these days" do wrong, doesn't mean you have to ignore it or give the impression that you're okay with it. Heroine is easier to get than anything these days. One thing about a positive drug test, the insurance companies don't want to pay for inpatient unless they are homicidal or suicidal. Great. Kill someone or yourself and maybe we can get some help.
I'd be checking her for tattoos, too. I'm sure she's got her share of them. If she wants to be an adult, then she needs to work and pay rent. She can afford her recreational substances...pony up living expenses, wild child!
Okay sorry, OP. I'm not ranting at you, I hope you can tell. It just burns me that kids are allowed to ruin their lives because "that's normal these days". Just be sure when your daughter looks back she doesn't wonder why you allowed her to be such a snot. Do everything you can. Glad you're doing the counseling thing. Hopefully you can gain some insight and tools to use. I'd try to get a counselor with whom your daughter will visit.
I'm shaking my head at the replies here. Is she drinking alone? Here. Let me answer that. No, she's preflighting before going out with her friends.
I was a rebellious teenager, too. And my mom didn't give a hoot. When I raised my two, I was strict and they can't look back and tell me I didn't care or try.
You care that she's smoking pot. You care that she's drinking. You care that she's so frickin' disrespectful that you'd like to keep her home from a class trip (where she will probably be smoking and drinking). When's the trip? Maybe you can steer her behavior in the form of a bribe. How bad does she want to go? Why don't you threaten to go with as a chaperon?
Just because "kids these days" do wrong, doesn't mean you have to ignore it or give the impression that you're okay with it. Heroine is easier to get than anything these days. One thing about a positive drug test, the insurance companies don't want to pay for inpatient unless they are homicidal or suicidal. Great. Kill someone or yourself and maybe we can get some help.
I'd be checking her for tattoos, too. I'm sure she's got her share of them. If she wants to be an adult, then she needs to work and pay rent. She can afford her recreational substances...pony up living expenses, wild child!
Okay sorry, OP. I'm not ranting at you, I hope you can tell. It just burns me that kids are allowed to ruin their lives because "that's normal these days". Just be sure when your daughter looks back she doesn't wonder why you allowed her to be such a snot. Do everything you can. Glad you're doing the counseling thing. Hopefully you can gain some insight and tools to use. I'd try to get a counselor with whom your daughter will visit.
Just because I said it was normal doesn't mean I think it was good. People under playing the level of drinking that goes on isn't going to be helpful either.
I'm shaking my head at the replies here. Is she drinking alone? Here. Let me answer that. No, she's preflighting before going out with her friends.
I was a rebellious teenager, too. And my mom didn't give a hoot. When I raised my two, I was strict and they can't look back and tell me I didn't care or try.
You care that she's smoking pot. You care that she's drinking. You care that she's so frickin' disrespectful that you'd like to keep her home from a class trip (where she will probably be smoking and drinking). When's the trip? Maybe you can steer her behavior in the form of a bribe. How bad does she want to go? Why don't you threaten to go with as a chaperon?
Just because "kids these days" do wrong, doesn't mean you have to ignore it or give the impression that you're okay with it. Heroine is easier to get than anything these days. One thing about a positive drug test, the insurance companies don't want to pay for inpatient unless they are homicidal or suicidal. Great. Kill someone or yourself and maybe we can get some help.
I'd be checking her for tattoos, too. I'm sure she's got her share of them. If she wants to be an adult, then she needs to work and pay rent. She can afford her recreational substances...pony up living expenses, wild child!
Okay sorry, OP. I'm not ranting at you, I hope you can tell. It just burns me that kids are allowed to ruin their lives because "that's normal these days". Just be sure when your daughter looks back she doesn't wonder why you allowed her to be such a snot. Do everything you can. Glad you're doing the counseling thing. Hopefully you can gain some insight and tools to use. I'd try to get a counselor with whom your daughter will visit.
My kids who went through this have become very successful adults. My husband and I did drugs and drank and we turned out to be successful people. It isn't all or nothing. The keys is she is making strides towards her future.
Its great you parented in the way that worked for you and your kids. But you can't all of a sudden decide to parent a different (more authoritarian) way when your kid is 17. Now that is going to cause some major problems! This mom is sort of locked in to her past mistakes and successes. And she got a raw deal that her husband passed at such an important time in her child's life. At this point, choosing her battles is going to get her much further.
It sounds like she is using alcohol and pot as your daughter. I'm guessing these are illegal in your state at her age.
It sounds like she might be addicted to alcohol. I was at one time. The buzz fades as one drinks more and the only solution is to drink more each time. Then, when one is not drinking, one is miserable and combative. I had to be in a substance abuse program from a DUI until I figured out I had a problem. For me, I lost driving privileges except to work for a year and my insurance went way up. I eventually got furious with alcohol and everyone in my life who promoted it.
For me, finding my faith in Christ again helped replace the highs I was seeking with spiritual thoughts. I wish the best for you and encorage you to keep loving her through all this. It will be hard until she she learns the dead end road she is on.
I've always said, "if you don't like how your parents did it, do it different with your children". We should probably all consult with our kids and ask their opinion and what they'd do differently with their children.
My boys were challenges and I stumbled through pitifully. My step-daughter, Girlzilla, makes my boys look like a walk in the park. I didn't raise her.
OP, I forgot to say I'm so sorry for your family's loss. Single-parenthood is not how it's supposed to be. Hang in there. Sorry about my venting. I've got a bit of PTSD over the teen girl that was under my roof for 8 months. What a nightmare. I'm sure yours is a princess in comparison. Heck, she's in school so that's a huge plus in your favor.
I say give her the you and me speech. You say her father died. Sorry to hear that so basically in most instances it's you and her against the world. She has to understand what she does today can effect her tomorrow.
There's a big difference today between teenage drinking and maybe some pot compared to years ago. Records don't go away. Get a DUI and doors start to close so her actions may not seem like a big deal now but once she gets out of school life gets real.
Why not give her something 6 months to clean up and give her financial responsibility for herself? She just has to understand life is no joke and hopefully so won't get knocked up.
One more option is to make an appointment with an Air Force recruiter and drag her down to see them headquartered usually3 options after school. Work, college or military. Tell she is going to have to pick one. Of course if financially college might be a task show her the reality of a paycheck of about $10hr for 40hrs and paying bills.
As an adult she has the right to live as she wants.
I'm looking at this from your daughter's side. I was a defiant teen. My parents were very controlling and emotionally distant. I resented it and it was a small wonder as soon as I was able I broke free and did whatever I wanted...OP, I hope you have a good relationship with your daughter and actually talk to her about how her behavior will affect HER life. If she's drinking in her room, that's a pretty good sign she isn't happy. Find out what's going on in her life and LISTEN when (and if) she tells you.
The OP may not think so, but if the daughter is nearly 18 and only now getting to be concerning, she's getting off easier than a lot of other parents.
I started getting defiant in my single digit years. I started smoking cigarettes at 7, and doing other things that I wasn't supposed to do. I had my first drink at twelve, and at 14 I was getting into bars (legal drinking age was 18 then, I was already 6'2" and looked older than I was). My mother gave up at 14, the day she broke a broomstick across my back, and I turned around and laughed at her. I was hanging with the 'bad' crowd and getting drunk regularly, fortunately I stayed away from the drugs (tried them, didn't like them). I went to live with my father, that lasted about a year. When I was 15 I left there and was living on my own, I had a full-time job and was splitting rent on an apartment with another guy, although for a little while I lived in a tent in the woods.
Yeah, 'defiant' would be putting it mildly.
OP, it's past time you started talking to your daughter as an adult. She will soon be of age to 'legally' leave home, and there will be nothing you can do about it. She should have been learning to be 'responsible' long ago. The only thing you can do now, is explain to her that her lack of experience in Life makes it less easy for her to see and know what to do and how to go in order to be successful, and to avoid finding herself in a bad situation where she ends up in jail or worse.
She needs to know that your intentions are to help her and guide her. Forget 'punishment', it's too late for that and it isn't going to work- all you will do is drive her deeper and further away. 'Punishment' is for children who are to young to be reasoned with. Now is the time for rational conversation and sound reasoning, instead of attempts to force her to go the way you want. She needs to know that you care, and that your intentions are to help her avoid making mistakes that result in her coming to harm, you have experience that she does not, and you want to share it. Explain the concept that it is far better to learn from the mistakes of others than to learn the hard way by making all of them herself. Explain that you cannot 'force' her to listen to your advice, but the rational and reasonable thing to do is to listen to your advice and consider it before making a decision. Explain that you understand that she may ignore your advice, and there is nothing you can do about that, but if she ignores you and comes to harm (any 'bad' result) it is *her* responsibility- you will be sad, but it will have been her *choice*. She and she alone will be responsible for what happens to her, if she chooses to do the opposite of what you are advising- it is her decision to make, and she must live with the results of her decisions.
All of us are each responsible for what and where we are, what we have become, because what we have become and where we are at any given point in life is a result of all the choices and decisions we have made up to that point. Bad decisions/choices can sometimes have good results, if one survives and learns from them. Good decisions/choices can sometimes have bad results, because 'life' is not 'fair', [stuff] happens despite all we might do to avoid it, and, sometimes, decisions/choices made by others will affect us in ways that we cannot prevent. Sometimes the choices of others work in our favor, sometimes they do not.
This is not to say that you must tolerate her [illegal] drinking and drug use under your roof. Explain to her that you realize that you cannot prevent her from drinking and smoking dope, that you wish she wouldn't but you cannot and will not stop her, she must decide whether to continue doing it, or to stop. However, you should further explain that if she chooses to continue to engage in these [illegal] activities she needs to do it elsewhere, because if she chooses to do it in your home it subjects you to potential criminal charges, it is not fair of her to do that to you, and if she continues to do so it will force *you* to have to make a choice/decision that you would prefer not to have to make. She is [nearly] an adult, and as such she wishes to make her own decisions, therefore she must accept the responsibility that comes with making those decisions, and not put others into the position of being forced to make decisions that will affect her.
Explain to her that you *cannot* control her and you do not *want* to control her, your time and responsibility for 'control' is coming to an end. It is now time for her to control herself and make her own decisions. You will be there to guide her and advise her if she wants to listen and take advantage of your age and experience, you will always be there for her, even if she decides to go her own way and later realizes that she has made a mistake in doing so. It is coming time for her to make her own decision as to whether to stay, to act as an adult and take *responsibility* for her own decisions, and to respect your desire that she not engage in illegal activities (drinking, dope) in your home for as long as she is there.
This may not be an easy conversation, and she may reject it and your advice. You cannot be a 'friend' to a young child whom you must punish/discipline because he/she is too young to be rational and reasonable. However, you must become a friend to the older child who is becoming an adult. The child must see you as a friend who wants to give her good advice, and to help her, rather than someone who wishes to control her and 'own' her. If she can see you as her friend, she will be more likely to accept your advice, though there is no guarantee that she will do so. But, if she sees you as someone who wants to 'control' her, it is almost a certainty that she will reject that control, and you (at least until much later, if and when she realizes the mistake of rejecting you). She may reject your advice, and [in a way] you, anyway, so you must be prepared for that. Friends do not always listen to friends' advice, no matter how good or well-intentioned it may be.
You cannot keep her in a cage, she will resent it. You must open the door, and allow her to go free if she wishes to.
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Do everything you can. Glad you're doing the counseling thing. Hopefully you can gain some insight and tools to use. I'd try to get a counselor with whom your daughter will visit.
