"Having it all sucks" (biological mother, adults, generations, American)
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I went back to work when my daughter was 10 weeks old and she stayed with a woman who took care of children in her home until she was 2.5 years old. My daughter has no memory of that woman. My daughter started at a daycare when she was 2.5 years old. She has no memory of her earliest daycare/pre-school
A lot goes on when a family decides how they're going to allocate time and resources. Don't assume that everyone who does it differently from you is making a selfish choice.
Quote:
Originally Posted by highflyingbird
people totally underestimate the importance of a single, invested, solid and stable caregiver in the first months and years of life.
If that is their choice, i'm cool with it. But paying for college is not nearly as important as giving your child that time and attention...
Sorry...but dealing with attachment (adoption, fostering, step kids), i feel strongly about that. And people who work with children (therapists, doctors, etc) have told me the same.
Yeah I probably went overboard with that, but that post by NYCResident just irked me. It sounded like nothing more than chest pumping. and I also agreed with Marlow that it's fair that women are downright demonized for doing what some still perceive to be the man's role. What I never understood is don't people think the man also wants to nuture/spend time with his children? The poor man that has to work well into the night, hardly seeing his kids, isn't good either.
I see it this way. Families need to prioritize and their kids, the kids they brought into this world, the kids that didn't ask to be born into this family to these parents - those kids' needs and best interests need to be put FIRST by parents acting as a team. This doesn't mean that the parents' needs aren't extremely important. It just means that the kids' needs take precedent.
And of course, those needs differ widely among families. That's why there's no black or white answer to the idea of "having it all." Some people do better at "having it all" than others, for various reasons. And the very definition of "having it all" is subjective.
And some people live in situations and live lifestyles that would make others cringe and they don't care - because in their opinion they DO have it all.
I am a Christian, so these verses from Philippians 4 mean a lot to me:
Quote:
How I praise the Lord that you are concerned about me again. I know you have always been concerned for me, but you didn’t have the chance to help me. Not that I was ever in need, for I have learned how to be content with whatever I have. I know how to live on almost nothing or with everything. I have learned the secret of living in every situation, whether it is with a full stomach or empty, with plenty or little. For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength.
Yet I still didn't say your child was doomed to a life time of attachment problems. Just that I felt strongly about having a solid, invested, etc caregiver because of my work in adoption and my education on the topic.
BTW...a child who has loving wonderful, even perfect parents can end up with attachment issues. Lets not be judgy about attachment problems while we are at it.
So again, twisting my words...what ever suits you.
Yet I still didn't say your child was doomed to a life time of attachment problems. Just that I felt strongly about having a solid, invested, etc caregiver because of my work in adoption and my education on the topic.
BTW...a child who has loving wonderful, even perfect parents can end up with attachment issues. Lets not be judgy about attachment problems while we are at it.
So again, twisting my words...what ever suits you.
You really don't understand that your posts were offensive do you? We're not twisting what you said. We are repeating exactly what you said.
Yet I still didn't say your child was doomed to a life time of attachment problems. Just that I felt strongly about having a solid, invested, etc caregiver because of my work in adoption and my education on the topic.
BTW...a child who has loving wonderful, even perfect parents can end up with attachment issues. Lets not be judgy about attachment problems while we are at it.
So again, twisting my words...what ever suits you.
I feel strongly that kids who have parents who are uptight, pretentious, and less then honest suffer for it. Especially in the school years when their friends mock them for their parents very obvious shortcomings.
You really don't understand that your posts were offensive do you? We're not twisting what you said. We are repeating exactly what you said.
I get it now. I didn't realize there was as much guilt around working as there is. Or that people who work face negative reactions from people, so that it is a touchy subject. This is something I will remember. Its hard for me to fathom because I think working while raising kids is very common...who is going to rip them a new one. Its a need for so many people.
But there is guilt about being a SAHM too. And I don't get why either would feel bad. I won't lie, I think having a SAHP is better, but not so much that a kid who doesn't is some how doomed if their parents work. And in some cases it could be worse to have a SAHP (I sure wish my mom worked so we didn't go without so much).
But, come on. I say one thing and am accused of saying something else. It is read with a tone it is not intended, and words are added that aren't there!
I can't defend myself because then I am told I am wrong. Mean while, hey, many of us know what is up behind the scenes. Its like a pack of dogs with a target. Today I am it, who is next? So many people know about it, it isn't even funny. I got 5 warnings today about the group you guys have going and the tactics.
You will deflect, get outraged, etc. that I called it out. But whatever. Most regulars know what is up.
Yet I still didn't say your child was doomed to a life time of attachment problems. Just that I felt strongly about having a solid, invested, etc caregiver because of my work in adoption and my education on the topic.
BTW...a child who has loving wonderful, even perfect parents can end up with attachment issues. Lets not be judgy about attachment problems while we are at it.
So again, twisting my words...what ever suits you.
Oh come on - people have strong opinions about raising children and what they think works and what they think doesn't work. I'm sitting here thinking and actually the only person I recall (on this thread) saying they'd made any mistakes or had any regrets about work vs SAHM scenarios is...well, me. Hopefully I just missed something.
Hey, news flash. None of you, and none of US, is perfect. We are all making or going to make some parenting mistakes, some missteps in life, some of them more serious than others. All of our kids are going to be able to point out things they wish we'd done differently, by age 25 at the latest. Some of them are going to be more angry or hurt toward us than others, but we will have both positive and negative influences on our kids and you know why? Because we're all flawed humans.
Breastfeeding vs bottle, circumcision vs non circumcision, homemade baby food vs store bought, Montessori vs public schools, football vs baseball, two kids vs three, cosleeping vs baby monitors, yada yada yada - the truth of the matter is that whether any of these things "works" or not depends more on our kids' personalities and abilities and interests and talents than our goals. We can plan down to the penny for college, or raise our kids to realize that they are going to have to pay for most of their college on their own - but at the end of the day, it's the kid who has to go to college, learn, graduate, and then launch into their adult life. We can't do it for them and no amount of money or lack thereof in this world is going to make them any happier or more self confident and strong than knowing that they are loved unconditionally by their parents, and that their parents spent as much time as possible showing them this during their childhood.
Oh come on - people have strong opinions about raising children and what they think works and what they think doesn't work. I'm sitting here thinking and actually the only person I recall (on this thread) saying they'd made any mistakes or had any regrets about work vs SAHM scenarios is...well, me. Hopefully I just missed something.
Hey, news flash. None of you, and none of US, is perfect. We are all making or going to make some parenting mistakes, some missteps in life, some of them more serious than others. All of our kids are going to be able to point out things they wish we'd done differently, by age 25 at the latest. Some of them are going to be more angry or hurt toward us than others, but we will have both positive and negative influences on our kids and you know why? Because we're all flawed humans.
Breastfeeding vs bottle, circumcision vs non circumcision, homemade baby food vs store bought, Montessori vs public schools, football vs baseball, two kids vs three, cosleeping vs baby monitors, yada yada yada - the truth of the matter is that whether any of these things "works" or not depends more on our kids' personalities and abilities and interests and talents than our goals. We can plan down to the penny for college, or raise our kids to realize that they are going to have to pay for most of their college on their own - but at the end of the day, it's the kid who has to go to college, learn, graduate, and then launch into their adult life. We can't do it for them and no amount of money or lack thereof in this world is going to make them any happier or more self confident and strong than knowing that they are loved unconditionally by their parents, and that their parents spent as much time as possible showing them this during their childhood.
I get it now. I didn't realize there was as much guilt around working as there is. Or that people who work face negative reactions from people, so that it is a touchy subject. This is something I will remember. Its hard for me to fathom because I think working while raising kids is very common...who is going to rip them a new one. Its a need for so many people.
But there is guilt about being a SAHM too. And I don't get why either would feel bad. I won't lie, I think having a SAHP is better, but not so much that a kid who doesn't is some how doomed if their parents work. And in some cases it could be worse to have a SAHP (I sure wish my mom worked so we didn't go without so much).
But, come on. I say one thing and am accused of saying something else. It is read with a tone it is not intended, and words are added that aren't there!
I can't defend myself because then I am told I am wrong. Mean while, hey, many of us know what is up behind the scenes. Its like a pack of dogs with a target. Today I am it, who is next? So many people know about it, it isn't even funny. I got 5 warnings today about the group you guys have going and the tactics.
You will deflect, get outraged, etc. that I called it out. But whatever. Most regulars know what is up.
Anyways...best of luck to you and your pose.
OMFG You Do NOT get it if that's what you think the issue is. You've shown your true colors here. Yes, most regulars do know what's up and they've called you out for it. You were quoted directly. No twisting needed.
And let me point out that NO ONE has criticized your decision to stay home. This has been one-sided and you have no room to feel ganged up on.
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