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My ex wife is a chain smoker and actually buys smokes for our 15 year old daughter! We got divorced two years ago and I have her every other week. I first noticed when she would come over smelling like smoke but initially attributed it to just her being at her mothers but despite being smart enough to smoke outside she left some cigarette butts and I asked her. Come to find out she said she started by taking her mothers but my ex instead of not supporting it just ended up buying her packs.
I did talk to the ex about it and she just said "Well, she just started taking mine and I started smoking from my mother". Totally nonchalant about it. Granted she was a smoker when we initially married but only became a chain smoker later. Obviously I don't buy our daughter any cigarettes but I know she gets some from kids at school and well, her mother will continue buying her packs when she's home, otherwise our daughter gets really irritated when she doesn't have a smoke and at only 15 it's especially bad starting so early, not that there's a good time to start but it's already affected her in various ways. For example she wanted to try cheer leading but it's definitely not very doable as a smoker.
I feel like my hands are tied though. I've tried talking to my wife as I've sad more than once but to her it's not a big deal.
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You're in a tough spot, and I feel for you. I have no real advice to be honest with you. Your ex seems like an idiot, and it's a shame you have to put up with this kind of ridiculous behavior from her.
Last edited by LakeLifePA; 03-22-2016 at 07:44 AM..
Offer up a bribe. I hate to suggest it, but I can't think of any other way that would work since her mother is actively, and stupidly, encouraging the smoking.
Sorry about the situation. May I suggest that you forget what your ex will or won't do? You can't control her actions. This is between you and your daughter. You will have to make sure she understands how you feel about what she is doing (but no anger please) and keep that consistent -- never accept the smoking, because she will need a healthy role model. Encourage the cheerleading, and any other physical activities.
Time to show your daughter every horribly graphic photo of people who've been ravaged by smoking that you can get your hands on. Remember those movies from the 90's called Red Asphalt? They were shown in my high school to scare kids from driving drunk and they were GRAPHIC- I'll never forget the one part where a person was picking up the body of a dead teen girl and the girl's insides literally spilled out of her. That caused some puking in class that day. Perhaps your daughter will at least have the seed planted about how awful smoking is for her if she sees the true effects.
You also may want to talk to the school counselor's and get some advice/insight on what you can do to help your daughter. I would be LIVID if my teenager was smoking and honestly, there isn't anything I wouldn't do to get her to stop. My husband was a chain smoker for 16 years and quit cold turkey when I got pregnant 7 years ago. The quality of his life increased dramatically, not to mention mine and our children's lives, too.
My mom started me and my sister smoking when we were about 12. It was to get us to hang out with her. She would give us smokes to keep us hanging around and talk with her.
I quit in my early 20s. Nothing anyone said would have gotten me to quit until I was ready. I think the best thing you can do is let her know as soon as she is ready, you will provide support by getting her the patch or other means. And emotional support because it is tough!
Smoking isn't "cool" like when I started 20 years ago...she might be encouraged to quit by friends. But it could also encourage her to hang out with "bad kids" who also smoke.
Its a tough spot...but I wouldn't alienate her. I don't think you need to "allow" it, but I don't think tackling her when she goes out to smoke is going to help. Or try to punish her. Just be honest that you worry about her health and her future and you are here to help her when she is ready to quit.
My ex wife is a chain smoker and actually buys smokes for our 15 year old daughter! We got divorced two years ago and I have her every other week. I first noticed when she would come over smelling like smoke but initially attributed it to just her being at her mothers but despite being smart enough to smoke outside she left some cigarette butts and I asked her. Come to find out she said she started by taking her mothers but my ex instead of not supporting it just ended up buying her packs.
I did talk to the ex about it and she just said "Well, she just started taking mine and I started smoking from my mother". Totally nonchalant about it. Granted she was a smoker when we initially married but only became a chain smoker later. Obviously I don't buy our daughter any cigarettes but I know she gets some from kids at school and well, her mother will continue buying her packs when she's home, otherwise our daughter gets really irritated when she doesn't have a smoke and at only 15 it's especially bad starting so early, not that there's a good time to start but it's already affected her in various ways. For example she wanted to try cheer leading but it's definitely not very doable as a smoker.
I feel like my hands are tied though. I've tried talking to my wife as I've sad more than once but to her it's not a big deal.
Look, I gotta say if your ex is buying your kid cigarettes, **** is falling apart in that house when it comes to things like boundaries and discipline. You could go for full custody because what's happening is illegal and harmful, but that's hard to do with teens.
Maybe call child services and make some trouble for your ex? I've watched two relatives die of cancers linked to smoking, and it was horrible. Not to mention how it bites into your finances. Supporting a child's cigarette habit is basically the biggest parenting fail I can think of short of physical abuse.
But besides that, with a mother that permissive at such a crucial stage, I fear for your daughter's future in general.
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