Shared parenting with an uncooperative residential parent (child support, custody, legal)

[burnett0914]

Here's my situation. I've been fighting for 50/50 parenting time for my 4 yr old son since he was 6 mos old. His mother was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder so it is extremely difficult to work with her or have civilized negotiations. If I could get full custody I would but everyone keeps telling me how hard it would be for that to happen because of her being the mother. So as of now it's shared parenting with a rather odd parenting schedule. Her doing not mine. I basically settled for what she would give me at the time because my lawyer at the time advised me since she was willing to do shared parenting I should accept it for now. The plan is basically that I get my son every Wednesday evening at 730pm but it rotates bi-weekly what day he goes back home. One week I'll have him from Wednesday at 730pm to Thursday at 730pm. The next week I get him from Wednesday at 730 pm to Sunday at 730 pm. Really strange schedule. I've never been a fan. If it were my way it would be a 50/50 California shared parenting plan or if that is too confusing just every other week. Or just me have Full Custody. The issues lately started after I've been searching for my first home purchase. I've been talking to the mother(Nikki) about purchasing a home for some time now. Over a year. All the while making my intentions clear that I wished to have a more 50/50 parenting time and that I wanted to work together with her and pick out a good school district for our son. Also that I would move wherever we decided and be in the same school district. Well as the time gets ever closer she went From agreement to complete separation and no communication whatsoever. She now says she likes it how it is and has no interest in whether or not I live in the same school district or whether or not we work together. Summarizing it it's basically about the money and control. She enjoys having the upper hand and doesn't want to give up any child support. As it stands right now our child support order was determined before our Shared Custody arrangement was determined so it is based on her having Full Custody which has not been the case for over a yr. During initial conversations with her I would inform her that after 50/50 and my purchase of the house (which is by no means a very expensive house700$ a month) I would not be able to continue paying child support at that rate. I'd need to get it readjusted for our then situation. Well that's when everything broke down and she stopped cooperating completely to the point now where things are just nasty. If I continue at the current rate I fear I will no longer be able to provide for my son the way I always have. I buy his own wardrobe for my house along with his own room at my place which is pretty decked out for a kid his age. I also do a lot of activities with my son. We go places and do a lot of different things such as the zoo, museums, theme parks, canoeing, etc. Basically I try to mix it up and give him a good experience fairly often. Not every week. We have normal weeks of just the park or even just stay at home but I try to give him some fresh experiences and show him what all's out there. Pumpkin patch will be coming up soon with the hayride. Well after doing my calculations of my mortgage and expenses with paying her the full child support I will literally have 0$. After a 300$ allowance for food which includes me and him I will be flat broke. Keep in mind 700$ a month for mortgage is comparable to a fairly cheap 2 bedroom apartment. At this point I don't know what to do. I can't afford a lawyer again. Im just now wrapping up payments from the last one. Please help. Any advise is good.

[lkb0714]

Lawyer. Put off buying a house until you see a lawyer.

[chb119]

Lawyer, talk to your lawyer, and only your lawyer.

Right after you told her about a possible reduction in child support, she most likely called her lawyer, who said to cut off all communication with you. Whatever arrangement you made was awkward but you agreed to it, your lawyer advised, but you agreed. Only option is to get a new lawyer, and hopefully revisit the agreement. As for the house, you are broke and cannot afford a house. A $700 mortgage is cheap, but once you add in repairs, upkeep, utilities, insurance it is no longer comparable. If you are going to go into debt for something, go into it for a lawyer to straiten out this agreement.

[HighFlyingBird]

Having delt with my husband's ex (who had BPD/NPD) I just want to say I am sorry. It isn't easy to deal with that in this situation. I would hold off on buying anything until the legal papers are locked in...cause otherwise you will be thrown a major curve ball to knock you off your game and put you in a bad spot...just for fun.

[burnett0914]

Thank you. It is rough. Not many people understand what it is. She masks it really well which unfortunately is a trait of BPD.

[HighFlyingBird]

Originally Posted by burnett0914

Thank you. It is rough. Not many people understand what it is. She masks it really well which unfortunately is a trait of BPD.

Yeah I get that too. My husband's ex didn't mask it too well because it was a mixed disorder...she had a very short fuse. But we lived in a state that favored "the mother", so it almost didn't matter the terrible things she did.

My mom also has BPD (something hubby and I bonded over) and she masked it well...very well. People thought she was the perfect mother but behind closed doors...hell. As she aged, her public persona cracked and people did start catching on. Not everyone, but some people really started seeing her for who she is. So she became a hermit and hardly sees anyone anymore unless they still are fooled.

The thing we found that helped us, both with my mom and my husband's ex was to not react. Which is so hard to do! Eventually they both got bored and invested their energies in other people. If they felt like they "won", even if we had to give up something, it made life easier, too.

But above all, the best thing we did was make our house a "safe zone". We tried (sometimes failed) to insulate them from their mom's BS...we didn't talk about her or engage with her. Even when she was following us around, we pretended like she wasnt and just went home. It did pay off. It took time but after a while the boys realized they could relax at our home.


Anyways...thats my best advice. Before making any big plans, I would for sure get the legal stuff worked out and hold her to it. Its your best defense.

[burnett0914]

Thank you. I think that's what I'm going to do. The first time just took 2 years so I'm dreading it.