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I just am so upset and disappointed. My daughter is 31, the fact is despite me and my husbands best efforts to try to make her responsible she keeps getting into trouble. She has had several jobs over the years but gets fired from them. She does have schooling but even then she hasn't been responsible.
Recently she moved moved back in with us, and for her she has always had a problem with authority. She doesn't like anyone telling her what to do, which, as you can imagine has caused a lot of problems. She has ~20,000 in school debt not even including her credit cards.
I realize we could have done better, but when she was younger I did get her in therapy which we thought helped.
She got a DUI when she was 25 and she did pay for that we told her we weren't going to pay for any of it, so with the job she had then she finally did but ended up getting fired from that job. Now after getting fired again she has moved back on with us and me and my husband don't know what to do.
Why did you let her move back in with you? She's 31- she's an adult. Stop bailing her out. This is not a one person problem, this is a three person problem.
You & your hubby are a big part of the problem. You're enablers. Your daughter doesn't have to think ahead and worry about how she will live if she loses a job. That's because she'll just go running home to mommy & daddy who will support her.
Try to do two things. First find a self group that will help you learn how to stop being co-dependent enablers.
Second- give her a three month limit to stay with you. At end of three months, out she goes job or not.
She leaves with the understanding that she doesn't go back to you.
I agree about you enabling her. If she has a safety net, she has no incentive to do better. Who wouldn't rather lie on your couch, with mommy cooking for you, than go to work?
Last edited by gentlearts; 10-18-2016 at 05:58 AM..
Why did you let her move back in with you? She's 31- she's an adult. Stop bailing her out. This is not a one person problem, this is a three person problem.
You & your hubby are a big part of the problem. You're enablers. Your daughter doesn't have to think ahead and worry about how she will live if she loses a job. That's because she'll just go running home to mommy & daddy who will support her.
Try to do two things. First find a self group that will help you learn how to stop being co-dependent enablers.
Second- give her a three month limit to stay with you. At end of three months, out she goes job or not.
She leaves with the understanding that she doesn't go back to you.
Excellent advice.
Quote:
Originally Posted by gentlearts
I agree about you enabling her. If she has a safety net, she has no incentive to do better. Who wouldn't rather lie on your couch, with mommy cooking for you, than go to work?
OP, look at it this way, if you and hubby could just sit around all day doing nothing, having someone do the cooking and all of the chores and you have free rent and utilities, wouldn't the two of you want to do that, too? Heck, I think most people would do that.
Grow a backbone. Stop bailing her out. Now, it would be different if, as an example, she was diagnosed with cancer and was too weak to work during chemotherapy & moved home for that reason but she is just lazy and unmotivated and gets fired. That is NOT your problem, it should be her problem.
Recently she moved moved back in with us, and for her she has always had a problem with authority. She doesn't like anyone telling her what to do, which, as you can imagine has caused a lot of problems. .
At age 31, she doesn't need anyone telling her what to do, anyway. She can manage and make decisions for herself.
Lots of people lose jobs and it may have more to do with the economy today than anything else.
Sure you can kick her out of your house, just don't expect her to move back in when you get older and need a caretaker. It doesn't work that way.
Do not enable her. If you want to allow her to move back in with you to get back on her feet, charge her rent (it can be lower than market rate, but do not let her stay free) and do not be her maid when she's living there. I've noticed that people who's parents baby them well into adulthood tend to be much lower on motivation and generally don't worry/care as much because zI guess they know their parents will be there to pick them back up..
My parents charged me rent when I was full time in college and full time working - they didnt charge me much but it let me know nothign in life is free and that I am an adult now and need to act and plan accordingly to take care of myself.
At age 31, she doesn't need anyone telling her what to do, anyway. She can manage and make decisions for herself.
Lots of people lose jobs and it may have more to do with the economy today than anything else.
Sure you can kick her out of your house, just don't expect her to move back in when you get older and need a caretaker. It doesn't work that way.
Of course, from the description of their daughter, I really doubt that she is the type that would stick around once she has to do the actual work of caregiving.
There has been thread after thread on the caregiver forum where the coddled, spoiled, enabled child leaves as soon as they are actually needed by their elderly parents. These threads are sometimes written by the disappointed & heart broken parents, but usually by the responsible sibling that needs to step up financially, emotionally and in every other way after the dead beat sibling has "bleed their parent" dry and then disappears at the first sign that the parent might need them.
I'm not "successful" by any stretch of the imagination and have been fired from a couple of jobs in the past which resulted in me moving back home. I'm 30 now and have considered it to save money (my mother could use the rent too).
I've always just thought it was pretty much frowned upon. I have a roommate now and things are fine.
It sounds like she is being irresponsible and could use a kick in the ass though.
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