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I'll try to keep this brief, but I'll be able to fill in any extra information to any responses!
My first daughter is due the 20th of this month. I've been with my girlfriend for only 15 months; I'm 27, she's 21. We had a fly-by-night casual relationship that turned into a bigger deal that has produced us a daughter that we are both looking forward to...
Anyway, it's become apparent in recent months that we are at odds on many different levels, and though I think we've both tried (and are STILL trying) to make it work, we've both considered life apart and I've started to think about co-parenting and going for joint custody...
My question to the Parenting Board is due you think it's the right time for me to do this? To end our relationship and attempt joint custody?
-I'm currently locked into a lease in another state for another month financially, though I've lived with her at her place for the last almost six months...
-I have job security and will be evaluated the next two months for a promotion, but as of now I'm staff level and do not make a lot of money. A year ago a had a much bigger salary and eventually lost my position and job to legal reasons (I am on probation until September)...
-I earn slightly more than she does...
-I've been car-less since my engine blew around Halloween, and as stated above I live with my girlfriend. However, I could get my own place after April 1 when my lease in the next state ends, and my parents live here, so I have home security and a safe, loving environment to go to if we seperate...
-she doesn't like my mother, my mother doesn't like her, and it's not getting better. That's been stressful for me and I worry the effect that can have on my child if her and I are together...
-she's let it be known that she will not give up custody. On the flip side, I am not satisfied by not living with my child. This could be ugly but I would want to fight for custody...
Pressed for time, this may sound choppy, so I have more detailed responses of need be. Is it time for me to try joint custody? If not, what are the things I should be considering in regards to my daughter? I will post this in Relationship Board too for more clarity. Appreciate all inquiries and advice!
Trying to "co-parent" a newborn would not be very good for the newborn. It's not like trying to co-parent a grade school kid who can hang out at dad's on Wednesdays and over the weekend and be okay. Newborns/babies pretty much need their mothers every day. If you want to be with your baby, and you don't want to really mess your child up for the rest of their life, you're going to have to figure out how to live with your baby's mother. Until your baby isn't a baby anymore.
Also, you mention that *you* have a secure, safe, loving environment to go to. Dude, you're about to be a dad. Your concern should be about whether your *child* will have a secure, safe, loving environment. That's the important question. It's not about you anymore.
Trying to "co-parent" a newborn would not be very good for the newborn. It's not like trying to co-parent a grade school kid who can hang out at dad's on Wednesdays and over the weekend and be okay. Newborns/babies pretty much need their mothers every day. If you want to be with your baby, and you don't want to really mess your child up for the rest of their life, you're going to have to figure out how to live with your baby's mother. Until your baby isn't a baby anymore.
Also, you mention that *you* have a secure, safe, loving environment to go to. Dude, you're about to be a dad. Your concern should be about whether your *child* will have a secure, safe, loving environment. That's the important question. It's not about you anymore.
Shoulda kept your pants zipped until she had a ring on her finger. Oops, too late for that! One of the joys of being an old-fashioned prude, like I am, is having the boring, stodgy, stick-in-the-mud wisdom of Ye Olde Tymes being proven right, time and time again.
But OK, what's done is done. And now you're at loggerheads, because both of you want custody of your child, but apparently you don't want to be with each other. I cannot see how joint custody will possibly work; the child would be doomed to a lifetime of her two parents badmouthing each other and putting her in the middle. The only solution that I can offer would be to seek out a relationship counselor and try to see if your relationship can be repaired.
And if that doesn't work . . . well, I hate to say it, but I honestly think that your daughter would be better off if one of you relinquished full custody to the other. I don't know how the laws work regarding alimony (or even if they apply at all, since you're not married), but you might want to try and sweeten the financial pot by agreeing to not having her provide any financial support, if you get full custody. Again, I don't know if this would work or not, but it's something you could ask a lawyer. (Yes, you'll need a lawyer, no matter what you decide to do.)
She's not going to be able to work for several weeks after the baby is born, so you'd be leaving her in a financial bind, unless she has a lot saved up.
A couple of things...first, marriage isn't a happily ever after, it's work. Sometimes extremely hard work, as you learn to live together and communicate with each other. Since you're not married, it's tempting to walk away instead of trying to put in that hard work. You'd have to do that work with anyone though, so why not make an effort with this woman, since you're having a child together.
Next, unless she's really unfit, you won't get full custody. So you'll be a part time dad and eventually there will probably be a full time stepfather, who you won't get to pick or approve.
Last, child support is expensive. You mention living with your parents as an option. You'll probably end up doing that while paying child support and resenting your child.
And one other thing, for some women pregnancy is like 9 months of bad PMS. If you've only really known her pregnant, you're girlfriend could be much nicer when she's not pregnant.
This page has information about how to handle custody issues for an infant, if the goal is to ensure your child forms a healthy and secure attachment -
And one other thing, for some women pregnancy is like 9 months of bad PMS. If you've only really known her pregnant, you're girlfriend could be much nicer when she's not pregnant.
She's not going to be able to work for several weeks after the baby is born, so you'd be leaving her in a financial bind, unless she has a lot saved up.
A couple of things...first, marriage isn't a happily ever after, it's work. Sometimes extremely hard work, as you learn to live together and communicate with each other. Since you're not married, it's tempting to walk away instead of trying to put in that hard work. You'd have to do that work with anyone though, so why not make an effort with this woman, since you're having a child together.
Next, unless she's really unfit, you won't get full custody. So you'll be a part time dad and eventually there will probably be a full time stepfather, who you won't get to pick or approve.
Last, child support is expensive. You mention living with your parents as an option. You'll probably end up doing that while paying child support and resenting your child.
And one other thing, for some women pregnancy is like 9 months of bad PMS. If you've only really known her pregnant, you're girlfriend could be much nicer when she's not pregnant.
I think I'm fixated on giving all of my effort to making it work with her. I understand the importance of our child being around her mother as a newborn. I do not want, and will do everything in my power, to not interfere with that...
She's not an unfit mother, I think she will be an outstanding mother. Our odds with each other are personal dislikes and have nothing to do with parenting. I recognize that we both have grown throughout this pregnancy. My biggest concern is that sometimes, it seems that we just aren't compatible to each other. Since I'm deciding to make this work, how will I know when it just can't work anymore? What are the signs? My concern is that we stay together too long and don't recognize when it's time to let go, and that contributing negatively to our child. How would I know when that level of resentment has incompatibility has a reached a point in which I should just let it be?
Would you mind telling us what your differences are? Personality, background, goals, attitudes toward parenting, or what?
With a child's life at stake and the fact that you both want to parent her, I am just wondering if it is too soon to give up on each other before you have even started. I am thinking of how many arranged marriages of the past have actually worked out well (although, admittedly, many have not).
Also, I am wondering if it would be possible for you to try living together for a while and work opposing shifts (what kind of jobs/careers do each of you have), and that might have the benefit of knowing just how much you each truly want to be a parent. Parenting is NOT easy, and it is a 24/7, 365 day a week job unless you have a VERY good support system.
Also, as old-fashioned as this might be, I do think you and your girlfriend should at least consider marriage in a few months once you are both sure that you still want to be parents to your daughter. More security for you regarding visitation and your rights should you divorce, more security for your daughter, and more security for your girlfriend. I have known too many men who did not marry the mothers of their children and then ended up with NO relationship with their children whatsoever.
But a warning: If you think things are difficult now with a pregnant girlfriend, just wait until she has been dealing with an infant for months and months! As I indicated, there is a lot more to babies than cute clothes, smiles and gurgles!
P.S. i do very much commend you for wanting to be such an active part of your daughter's life. There are MANY men out there who would just walk away.
Went into this with a big plan? Wow. How exactly do you plan to care for newborn? Breast feeding will be quite the challenge for you! Newborns really can't be bounced back and forth between parents. They need a set sleeping and feeding schedule. That doesn't happen overnight. If you share custody, what you do with the newborn while you're at work? Do you have ANY experience handling babies or being around one all day and night?
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One of the joys of being an old-fashioned prude, like I am, is having the boring, stodgy, stick-in-the-mud wisdom of Ye Olde Tymes being proven right, time and time again. 
