Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
OP, your wife is enabling abuse of her own child. This is alarming! Her priority should be to protect her child, rather than keeping peace in the family. Her loyalties are misplaced. There should be a way to communicate, without causing controversy, that biting your son is not acceptable, and that until the other child can control herself, your son will no longer be allowed to play with her. Period. This has gone on too long. As parents, your first obligation is to protect your child. If others in the family are miffed by this, that is their problem. I seriously doubt they'd overlook it if it were their child being bitten several times/week.
Think how you'd feel if you were the little boy being forced to "play" (haha--what a euphemism!) with a child several times/week who bites you every time. You're trapped in this situation, and mom, dad, auntie, and grandma all are ok with it. They fail to protect you, and you have no one to turn to. You may come to the conclusion that you're not very important to them, and that they don't care about you. You may lose your voice--your belief that speaking up and asking for help will have any effect at all, and you may become acculturated to being abused. Not a great way to start out life and go through life.
This is how self-esteem problems begin. It's also how issues of loyalty to parents begin; a child who feels his parents won't protect him and care for him is a future rebellious teenager in the making.
If putting your foot down causes a rift with your wife, insist on going to couples counseling together. This situation should not be tolerated. You're sending your son all the wrong messages. He needs you to find YOUR voice, and to step in and rescue him from this family-wide indifference to his suffering.
Ask your wife if you can bite her to where it causes the same mark as the one on your son's face - and then whether she still thinks it is a non-issue. If she says no - then ask her why it's OK for her son to feel that kind of pain, but not herself. Bites HURT - a LOT. I realize your son loves his grandmother - but I would not let him be with her unless the biter is not there. You said they live in your neighborhood, so Grandma can come to your house without the biter.
The fact that they are shrugging off bites to their own baby would cause me to call CPS. This may sound like a harsh thing to do - but a baby cannot protect itself and its parents are doing a crap job of doing so.
There's also the emotional pain of knowing that none of the grown-ups in his world care about his abuse, and none are willing to protect him and keep him safe. The grownups, including his own mom and dad, have turned their backs to him. Believe me, OP: after 2 years of this chronic problem, the message has sunk in loud and clear. Your boy knows he can't count on mom and dad to care about him, to stand up for him, and to keep him safe.
I don't want to send him there but at the same time I am not sure if this is worth breaking marriage. So need to analyze pros and cons of this relationship which is a separate issue all together
If this breaks your marriage, it wasn't that strong to start with. Perhaps some counseling would be in order, maybe the counselor can communicate with your wife just how stupid this is.
The next time he comes home with a bite mark, guess who's fault it is...yours...you knew about and still allowed your child to placed in danger.
she is overly protective about her kid but when it comes to her siblings and mom she is not that responsive to my plea. To her this specific matter is minor and not worth straining family relationship. I would definitely not allow that at the expense of my kid.
It's not minor to the child! Being bitten several times a week, every week, is a major part of his life experience! It is formative to his character. You two should at the very least ask the pediatrician about this, but you should see a counselor to get a professional opinion on how "minor" a matter this is, and furthermore, an opinion on what your wife's dismissal of this means for the family and for the marriage.
Someone needs to speak up for that child! And at this point (after TWO YEARS), act, not just speak up. If this causes problems in the marriage, that would be your wife's choice to put her relationship with her sister and mother ahead of you and her son. Are you seriously proposing letting your son be the sacrificial lamb to your marital integrity? If your wife allows this to pull apart the marriage (I can't imagine it would come to that--I certainly hope not), it would mean she doesn't value the marriage. I would hope that she would agree to counseling with you rather than throw away the marriage so that the abuse of her son could continue.
Think positive, OP; envision a resolution to this that doesn't cause a divorce. I wonder if you may be catastrophizing, in seeing it in such extreme and stark terms. It shouldn't be a big deal to draw a boundary, and say that your boy will stay home until his cousin overcomes the biting habit. That really is not such a big deal. You're allowing your fear of divorce to enable your son's years of abuse, and your abandonment of him as his protector. You're absolutely right that this is not a minor matter.
Last edited by Ruth4Truth; 03-20-2017 at 12:45 PM..
Actually, I was going to suggest that TexasTony teach his son how to fight, since the kid is at the mercy of his mother and grandmother.
Wonder how that would go over? Girl bites him, he punches her in the mouth.
The karate class won't take him yet but as soon as he is 4 I will enroll him (matter of weeks). I did teach him some self defense but he is not picking it up
The karate class won't take him yet but as soon as he is 4 I will enroll him (matter of weeks). I did teach him some self defense but he is not picking it up
So, because you're not willing to step in and draw boundaries, you're making your son, at the age of 4, basically do your job for you in protecting him? You're willing to teach him violence is the way to go? At age 4? So that he'll take the flack and be labeled the "bad boy", instead of you taking a stand? Do you see how you're setting him up? Auntie and grandma sure aren't going to blame their child/grandchild, if your boy hits her. And your son doesn't seem keen on that solution, either, from what you say.
You really need to talk to a child psychologist about this, OP.
And develop a spine, instead of making a 4-year-old do your protective job for you. If you fulfill your role as dad, and put a stop to this, I'm pretty sure your marriage will survive. Some counseling will probably be needed, but things will settle down after that.
So, because you're not willing to step in and draw boundaries, you're making your son, at the age of 4, basically do your job for you in protecting him? You're willing to teach him violence is the way to go? At age 4? So that he'll take the flack and be labeled the "bad boy", instead of you taking a stand? Do you see how you're setting him up? Auntie and grandma sure aren't going to blame their child/grandchild, if your boy hits her. And your son doesn't seem keen on that solution, either, from what you say.
You really need to talk to a child psychologist about this, OP.
And develop a spine, instead of making a 4-year-old do your protective job for you. If you fulfill your role as dad, and put a stop to this, I'm pretty sure your marriage will survive. Some counseling will probably be needed, but things will settle down after that.
I am going to stop him to going to that house period. And its not violence it is self defense
The karate class won't take him yet but as soon as he is 4 I will enroll him (matter of weeks). I did teach him some self defense but he is not picking it up
This won't help. My son was a black belt at ten. They teach them to fight as defense and then skedaddle. A bite is quick and over before he can defend. They really push the idea of not using the skill as a retaliatory thing.
Even if he was going to have to learn this as a retaliation - do you really want him routinely bitten until he reaches this point?
The karate class won't take him yet but as soon as he is 4 I will enroll him (matter of weeks). I did teach him some self defense but he is not picking it up
He's 4! It's YOUR job to protect him.
Dear. God.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
If your wife allows this to pull apart the marriage (I can't imagine it would come to that--I certainly hope not), it would mean she doesn't value the marriage. I would hope that she would agree to counseling with you rather than throw away the marriage so that the abuse of her son could continue. 
