Is it wrong to move for a job after having kids? (support, toddler)
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I am thinking of going back to school as a person in their mid 30's. If i decide to have kids, I don't want to wait too long because I don't want to be a 50 year old man with a toddler. Once I start a new career, I understand I may have to relocate to get better/higher paying jobs or promotions. I always hear people say, "oh it is easy for you to just move for a job because you don't have kids" as if moving with kids is the ultimate sin. I don't have any family in my current city, anyway, but my family is only a few hours away. I have heard of people turning down jobs because they thought it was a bad idea to move the kids away from their friends even though the new job would improve the family's life socially and financially. Maybe I should just not have kids and focus on a career...but then I would feel guilty for not having kids....but then if I move to an area and hate it, I couldn't just move because of the kids. I know tons of people miserable for that reason. Have any of you moved after having kids and did your kids hate you for moving them? Did other people in your family criticize you for taking a job in a new city?
If the job is the only thing keeping you where you are.. . . Then by all means, take another job. The main thing is loving what you do. The paycheck can vary but if you love your work everything else falls into place.
As for going to school in your 30's, nothing wrong with that. Some start a career path and end up hating their choice. So they go back to school to get an advanced degree or take up a new interest. You don't have to go to school to get a degree, you can take a class or two just to enjoy learning. Meet people.
I remember the botany class I took at a junior college. I was fresh out of high school. Taking that class was this 65 year old President of the Mushroom Society. Oh he and the teacher had a great time talking... And those fruit and vegetable snacks during our lab. What fun that class was and after all those years I still enjoy gardening.
Kids come when they will. I don't know if you're male or female... Age plays a role either way because not all females get pregnant when they want. Some couples wait years for a pregnancy. You also didn't say if you're married. Or maybe you want to adopt when you're single. Either / or .. . It's your choice.
From my own perspective, you can do all those together at any age. Times will be tough and that's why most people stay near family so they can lean on that support. Some are stuck in their comfort zones. So yes you can go back to school and have a family and still go to work or move with a family. It depends on how committed you are to make it work.
For example when I was at a university there were young families with kids. The husband or wife or both were going back to school. I think that's more common. And in my case we had our first child when we were both in college. We moved to Texas for the job when none of our family was in Texas. And when it's the choice of the move and job change or losing the job, then we moved. There's a lot of compromise involved with both partners because everyone has to make it work. Moving is more common now than it was 20 years ago.
Not, it's not wrong. You have to do what you have to do to support the kids and the family. When the kids are older they will understand that. However, the kids' schooling and social life may be interrupted. I know as a kid, I seemed to have repeated part of the Social Studies curriculum from moves, learned stuff that wouldn't have been taught in the new location, and missed other parts. (My older brother ended up taking the state history courses in 3 different states) I called my friends from previous places long distance. In the new location, it may be harder for your kid to break into social groups after they've already been established. In my case, I was too young at the last move and the school district tried to push me down a grade because of my age. At the beginning of 4th grade (when I was an 8-years-old), I was required to take the next grade's (5th) end of year exam and score over 90% in all sections just to stay in 4th grade. Oh well, such is life. Kids can learn and grow.
Families with kids move all the time. Kids make it harder, not impossible. It's not an issue that should make you decide not to have children. They will acclimate to whatever the lifestyle is, whether it includes moving or not.
Kids are resilient. I wouldn't let them stop me from moving nor would I put off having them just because I might move. The only time I would consider them in a move is high school. That is different I wouldn't want to uproot them then. So go attend school, have children, move, explore the world with the kids.
No, it's not wrong to move to advance your career (or for any other valid reason) if you have kids. Children live in your household, not the other way around.
That said, the needs and desires of your kids do become increasingly important as they age. We've moved multiple times and have 2 elementary age kids, now ages 10 and 7. We are only now at the point where any future moves will potentially affect them, so it's definitely something we will consider. Their needs won't preclude any move we think is necessary, but it will certainly be a consideration, whereas it never was before.
No, it isn't wrong to move for a job after having kids...Especially when the kids are younger.
Now, I know some now 25-30 year old kids whose parents took them all over on the corporate world tour. I don't think that 4 or 5 moves is good for them. The kids are detached from their parents (they have a good relationship) and don't relate to "home." High school, college, etc connections are harder because the parents have moved on from those locales where everything branched from...kids might not come home as long on holidays since its JUST the parents, not the hometown or those friends, less extended family, etc...
But one or two, especially if done earlier in childhood as opposed to Middle and High school where making friends is more difficult, really shouldn't hurt them.
Also, you need to consider where you live/want to live. If you live in Atlanta, Chicago, New York, Northern VA, Houston, etc...You won't likely need to relocate if you don't want to.
If you live in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan there might be a much more limited opportunity depending on your profession.
Moving around really does have an affect on kids. A lot of people have told me their parents moved so often, that they could never stay friends with anyone. They were always going to a new school and having to adjust all over again. And relocating can be a bad decision. Lots of people have relocated to cities because their job, then were laid off immediately afterwards. So then they were stuck in a new city, with no job and no friends. It's risky to move unless you know you have something to fall back on. Anyway, that's my opinion, no matter how vehemently some are going to disagree with it.
As Becki said, children ARE resilient. The younger they are, the less it matters that you move.
Like anything, what matters is the way you present the move. If you act like it's the worst thing in the world, your kids will pick up on that. If you treat it as an opportunity and an adventure and include them in age-appropriate parts of the process, they will pick up on and benefit from that too.
Whether or not kids can be good at making friends depends mainly on their own personalities. Sure, their personalities are shaped by their childhood experiences, but having twins has shown me that we are in large part who we are from birth. Some kids will be better at making friends than others because of how they are wired.
So do not base your long-term goals on the idea that moving will be traumatic for your hypothetical children. That simply is not the case.
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