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The unhappy SAHM that I know (couple) had good careers Prior and maybe expected more help from their H’s than what they were getting.
Question for SAHMs...what kind of role do you want your husbands to play at home? Assumption Husband is working full time. Is 50/50 Childcare when he’s home and 50/50 household choir split acceptable? Is it help a little less with each maybe 20/80 split? Or nothing at all? For SAHM with newborns who takes care of middle of the night childcare? Do you feel upset that H doesn’t wake up and do feedings?
No, I don't expect my husband (or didn't) to do all of that. He works a lot of hours. I am responsible for household and most child activities. But I get your intention with this post. To bash SAHM's. As if staying home to raise your kids is a bad thing.
Sometimes they complain because most of their female friends work and they feel left out and not "in the groove". . . or not a 'power woman', whatever that's supposed to be.
Your wife should sign up for Flylady since it sounds like she's the exact type of person that program was designed for and has lots of babysteps on how to embrace being a homemaker without perfectionism getting in the way. It will address all of your complaints above including how to overcome the "Not enough hours in the day" line of thinking. If she's not willing to do that, you two should look into counseling. I'm not sure it is healthy to be raising a kid in a household where mom needs to "clock out of her mom job" come 5pm so badly she's willing to risk her husband's job. Also don't think dad feeling overwhelmed with sole earner role and being resentful that he to turn around and immediately do a second shift as main caregiver is the best role model of family dynamics for your kid. Best of luck to you two.
I second the recommendation for Fly Lady, especially when one is home with children and can only really do sporadic cleaning. Although I was never really able to make a go of it; I found it frustrating because as I was focused on one Zone for the week, all the others were getting messy. Realistically, as long as clutter doesn’t accumulate, I can clean my house from top to bottom in 2 uninterrupted hours, so our arrangement was that my husband would take the kids out for a couple of hours on Saturday: the park, McDonalds, his parent’s house, whatever. The house would be scrubbed clean and I didn’t have to worry about anything but dishes and light housekeeping all week.
My grandmother had a system that I use now (she worked Monday-Friday, and was usually too tired to much housework at the end of the day). She had lists of things that needed to be done daily, weekly, or monthly. As long as she could complete her lists, she considered her work done.
No, I don't expect my husband (or didn't) to do all of that. He works a lot of hours. I am responsible for household and most child activities. But I get your intention with this post. To bash SAHM's. As if staying home to raise your kids is a bad thing.
That is not obvious to me. Being at home and in charge of the children and all household tasks does not necessarily mean someone will be unhappy.
Because, as you said ....
Good point. I'd say the ones who are unhappy are the ones who are stay at home parents either based on circumstances, or because they feel it's best for their family, but feel that their spouse doesn't do their fair share of housework and parenting, whatever that fair share may be (and it seems different people have a different idea than that). I think the ones who become stay at home parents since they think it's best for their family tend to become the "martyr" types and use lines like they "sacrificed" their career, and, fairly or not, others tend to find that type annoying.
No, I don't expect my husband (or didn't) to do all of that. He works a lot of hours. I am responsible for household and most child activities. But I get your intention with this post. To bash SAHM's. As if staying home to raise your kids is a bad thing.
The poster that you responded to was not bashing stay at home mothers. He was asking a legitimate question: what is considered a "fair" division of the housework and parenting tasks when one person is a stay at home parent and the other is a sole breadwinner. It is not clearly defined what is "fair", and it's going to be different from one couple to another.
Nobody ever said that you were complaining. The OP said that some, not all, stay at home mothers complain. A few posts ago, I divided stay at home parents into various categories and which ones complain and which ones do not.
I think I may have said this earlier, but I think that one reason why stay at home parents complain a lot is because they can do so without fear of losing their job.
I second the recommendation for Fly Lady, especially when one is home with children and can only really do sporadic cleaning. Although I was never really able to make a go of it; I found it frustrating because as I was focused on one Zone for the week, all the others were getting messy.
I've never succeeded with Flylady's program beyond her 31 day Babystep Intro, but the household management tips I've picked up from just doing that have greatly helped my marriage and stress level. I think keep cleaning supplies under every sink, run around the house periodically with a good quality duster and a load of laundry a day keeps Mt. Washmore away have been about the extent of what I've mastered cleaning wise from her. Her suggestions on developing morning/evening routines along with other chore routines (meal planning/groceries/bill paying) has made a big difference for me. I've never mastered her zones and have failed at every attempt of a Control Journal.
The thing that was most helpful to me about her system was I should clean my house because a clean house made me happy and accept the fact that my husband would be perfectly happy living in a pig sty if it meant he didn't need to clean, so my getting upset at him over that wasn't helpful. I've always worked, and maybe somewhere there are SAHP with a spouse that earns 100% of the income and does 50% of the housework & childcare on top of it. Maybe also somewhere out there there are SAHP that have fulltime nannies & maids so they can devote their days to social media. Color me skeptical that either of these extremes actually exist outside of claims on this thread. My experience and most moms I know is that you handle the bulk of the household tasks and childrearing on top of what ever paid employment you are engaged in.
I've never succeeded with Flylady's program beyond her 31 day Babystep Intro, but the household management tips I've picked up from just doing that have greatly helped my marriage and stress level. I think keep cleaning supplies under every sink, run around the house periodically with a good quality duster and a load of laundry a day keeps Mt. Washmore away have been about the extent of what I've mastered cleaning wise from her. Her suggestions on developing morning/evening routines along with other chore routines (meal planning/groceries/bill paying) has made a big difference for me. I've never mastered her zones and have failed at every attempt of a Control Journal.
That is a good point that, even if advice given won't work for your personal situation for whatever reason, there may be that one thing suggested that's good. Even if you dismiss 90% of what's suggested, there can be that one thing that is helpful.
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The thing that was most helpful to me about her system was I should clean my house because a clean house made me happy and accept the fact that my husband would be perfectly happy living in a pig sty if it meant he didn't need to clean, so my getting upset at him over that wasn't helpful.
Although, at least in my later posts, I've been trying to avoid gender issues, this does bring up a very good question. Why is it that, in general, women (including my wife) prefer to have less free time in exchange for cleaner house, while, in general, men (including myself) prefer to have more free time even if it means a dirtier house? Is there something biological, or something to do with differences in how men vs women are raised? Are women more sensitive to dirt and clutter than men for whatever reason? Or do men have more of a need for downtime than women? This I think is one of the main things that causes tension within marriages. I know it's not politically correct, but perhaps getting to the root of why this issue occurs could help couples figure out how to solve the issue. Fairly or not, whoever has the higher standards for cleaning is going to end up doing the bulk of the cleaning. It also often seems that when a husband offers to help, the wife, whether rightly or wrongly, feels that the husband won't do the task up to her standards.
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I've always worked, and maybe somewhere there are SAHP with a spouse that earns 100% of the income and does 50% of the housework & childcare on top of it. Maybe also somewhere out there there are SAHP that have fulltime nannies & maids so they can devote their days to social media. Color me skeptical that either of these extremes actually exist outside of claims on this thread.
I can assure you that both exist, even if you don't personally know any. Keep in mind that the people that one is familiar with (both in person and online) are not a random sample.
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My experience and most moms I know is that you handle the bulk of the household tasks and childrearing on top of what ever paid employment you are engaged in.
How many total hours are they working compared to their husbands, including commute time?
That is a good point that, even if advice given won't work for your personal situation for whatever reason, there may be that one thing suggested that's good. Even if you dismiss 90% of what's suggested, there can be that one thing that is helpful.
Although, at least in my later posts, I've been trying to avoid gender issues, this does bring up a very good question. Why is it that, in general, women (including my wife) prefer to have less free time in exchange for cleaner house, while, in general, men (including myself) prefer to have more free time even if it means a dirtier house? Is there something biological, or something to do with differences in how men vs women are raised? Are women more sensitive to dirt and clutter than men for whatever reason? Or do men have more of a need for downtime than women? This I think is one of the main things that causes tension within marriages. I know it's not politically correct, but perhaps getting to the root of why this issue occurs could help couples figure out how to solve the issue. Fairly or not, whoever has the higher standards for cleaning is going to end up doing the bulk of the cleaning. It also often seems that when a husband offers to help, the wife, whether rightly or wrongly, feels that the husband won't do the task up to her standards.
I can assure you that both exist, even if you don't personally know any. Keep in mind that the people that one is familiar with (both in person and online) are not a random sample.
How many total hours are they working compared to their husbands, including commute time?
-I hate bill paying and forget dates so my wife does it.
-My W hates cleaning toilets so I do that.
-My W hates a messy fridge so she cleans it often.
-I have a green thumb my wife doesn't so I take care of that.
-My W has a particular way she loads a dishwasher so she does it.
-I take out the trash she says its a guy thing to do.
-My wife procrastinates with laundry and I occasionally ruin clothes so I separated mine and do mine and she does hers.
-I am particular about dust so I like to dust.
-I hate folding clothes so my W does it.
-We both like to cook so sometimes we fight over who is cooking tonight. Unless we are BBQing which she lets me.
(Gender roles don't really apply but do apply in some respects)
See the Pattern here. We got to this point after some painful trials but we worked out a system. I didn't want to drive her nuts laying a cup a certain way in the dishwasher. And I didn't want to remind her it was dusty when I was sneezing. We are particular with certain things. My wife pays bills as soon as she gets them. I open the bill I get in the mail the next weekend. Rather than pounding our head trying teach each other our "ways" and after fighting early on we gave In and let each other have certain domains.
In regard to Childcare, Child 1 I'm more active now than my W with school work too and my daughter is at a point where she's getting involved in athletics too. Child 2 (a newborn) it is probably more of 80/20 split with wife handling most of the duties. I work 40-50 hours a week wife is short term SAHM she's going back to work after a year. I'm a smart guy it probably won't be 80/20 when that happens.
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