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I have never known a grieving person to want everyone to avoid all talking about their loved one. And how unfair for your son! You need to let Grandma talk to your son about Grandpa and where he is. The child is not wrong for noticing he is gone... and believe me... pretending like he never was is far worse than talking about him frequently.
You guys need to talk to your mom.... and listen to her... not talk around her.
This is a very strange family dynamic. It seems some in the family hold a belief that a young child should have more emotional maturity than an adult who has lived many decades. And, in turn, that the young child needs to be responsible for the mature adult's feelings.
I agree, a very strange family dynamic.
My FIL died when my daughter was 4. We talked about him all the time with my MIL. Sure, we all teared up at times, that's what grieving together looks like. We also laughed a lot at fun memories.
Apparently I need to re-iterate some information I have already stated that has been missed or ignored.
The photos were looked at after my son went to bed (I had not realized this as of my very first post, only after talking with DH today). See post #17.
The primary issue seems to be when my son mentions Grandpa. There is not some declared rule that no one can mention him at all, from what I can gather she is fine for the most part when it's just the adults. See post #12.
I definitely do not think this is bad parenting and about controlling your child. This is about adults not being able to handle and accept a person is gone. Let that child have those great memories of his grandpa! Over time, sadly he will lose most of them.
If grandma is ok with a child talking about grandpa, I don't see why others have a problem with it. If grandma can't handle hearing about grandpa, then it's probably best that the grandchild not spend much time with grandma. I really hope that doesn't happen. I hope grandma can sit with him and share their wonderful memories together.
Agreed. I do think it would behoove us to spend more time reminiscing, and not so much effort avoiding the topic and hoping it doesn't surface.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Diana Holbrook
The child is not wrong for noticing he is gone... and believe me... pretending like he never was is far worse than talking about him frequently.
Agreed.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Diana Holbrook
Everyone BUT the child can talk about Grandpa? That's just not fair. Ridiculous.
I don't disagree. I pretty much said the same thing in post #6. In fact, I also used the word "ridiculous".
Btw, to those who have shared their personal stories, thank you very much. Even if I did not respond or quote your post, those perspectives provided valuable insight. There's been a lot of good stuff in this thread, I'm hoping it doesn't become too judge-y and confrontational.
There's been a lot of good stuff in this thread, I'm hoping it doesn't become too judge-y and confrontational.
It will LOL. That's just how it works here. You've gotten the meat out of what you're gonna get, and from now on there will be a lot of drive-byes who don't bother to read the whole thing and chime in with "their two cents."
It will LOL. That's just how it works here. You've gotten the meat out of what you're gonna get, and from now on there will be a lot of drive-byes who don't bother to read the whole thing and chime in with "their two cents."
Good luck moving forward
Ha ha, thank you. I can dare to dream but I know you're right.
....In any case, I'd be interested in hearing from others who have dealt with this type of awkwardness and some of the strategies you used to make it easier on everyone.
The only way to keep your kid mum is to not take him to see Grandma. And constantly admonishing him not to talk about a vanished/dead person may end up weirding him out eventually.
His father hikes up his trousers and speaks to his mother directly about the topic of how difficult it is trying to deal with the issue with his son, and just what does his Mom want or suggest. Let her call the shots directly and stop *****-footing around and guessing about what should be done.
The only way to keep your kid mum is to not take him to see Grandma. And constantly admonishing him not to talk about a vanished/dead person may end up weirding him out eventually.
His father hikes up his trousers and speaks to his mother directly about the topic of how difficult it is trying to deal with the issue with his son, and just what does his Mom want or suggest. Let her call the shots directly and stop *****-footing around and guessing about what should be done.
BIL sounds like an asshat.
I agree. As a recent widow I would much rather have someone ask me directly if it is OK to share memories or talk about my husband than to have them try to guess or ask other relatives what they should do.
It is possible that Grandma is tearing up because of happy memories about her grandson and her husband.
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