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After all these years, you really don't know what I meant? You put yourself in this situation when you moved out there and into a house that wasn't yours. You kept yourself in this situation when you went for so long without working. Your life choices have made you dependent on your grand mother. Your mom's life choices have made her dependent on your grand mother. Had you done something to better your life years ago, you would not be forced to live there, so close to your mom. We've been telling you this for literally about 10 years. You are no closer to being an independent adult now than you were back then.
My mom wasn’t out here until August of 2017, I’ve enjoyed being near my grandmother. I’ve enjoyed the time I’ve had with her.
My mom wasn’t out here until August of 2017, I’ve enjoyed being near my grandmother. I’ve enjoyed the time I’ve had with her.
My point being, that you have entangled your living situation and your "job" with your family members and you can't get out.
ETA my mom and I have had some issues with her continuing to treat me like a child long into my adult years. the difference is, I have a job and a home that have nothing to do with her. I can choose how often and for how long I see her, or if I communicate with her at all.
My point being, that you have entangled your living situation and your "job" with your family members and you can't get out.
And your mom isn't going anywhere, nor is she going to change.
The only thing you have any control over is yourself.
Quote:
ETA my mom and I have had some issues with her continuing to treat me like a child long into my adult years. the difference is, I have a job and a home that have nothing to do with her. I can choose how often and for how long I see her, or if I communicate with her at all.
Ditto.
But... while I don't agree with your mom's approach I entirely understand her confronting you over the texting incident. It's ten kinds of annoying when one of my kids plays on their phone when they're vising with me, and I have been known to ask them to please put it away for the few hours we visit. If they pulled that kind of stuff on Christmas day I'd be irate too. It's not about the fact that it's your phone that you pay for, it's the fact that you were being disrespectful. You wouldn't rudely pull your phone out and text people while you were a guest at someone else's dinner would you?
Depends on the dinner and what everyone was doing.
No one else was in the kitchen but me and her, people were all over the house, we didn’t even sit down to eat for another 20 minutes after that. It not like I was texting while I was eating. I’m 29, I’m basically old, I should be at the point where I can use my own phone while I do other tasks without getting yelled at like I’m 14.
You know, I’m on vacation too. I’m trying to wish my own friends and their children Merry Christmas.
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Originally Posted by AnotherTouchOfWhimsy
Your family sounds dysfunctional in many ways. From the lack of independence for adults to the way you all speak to each other.
But aside from that, many adult children and their parents fall into old patterns when they are together. While my family has its share of dysfunction, I have to say that we don't have that particular problem. My siblings and I do not bicker like we did as kids, and my parents don't try to control things. But I see that in some of my friends' families... sisters will still fight and argue as adults, parents will still try to micromanage their middle-aged children's lives, etc.
Why are you at your grandmother's house every day? Does she need help with daily tasks, like getting her own meals? And your mom is not helping her with these tasks for whatever reason? Unfortunately, it sounds like Grandma is enabling your mom to be a bum and I don't think you're going to be able to solve that problem for her. It sucks, but maybe you need to let Grandma know that you can't come by to help her if your mom is treating you that way. If she is also sick of it, maybe she needs some third-party advice on how to get her grown daughter out of her home and living independently.
She has to use a wheelchair just to get from her bed to the kitchen so sometimes I have to come over just to get her food and a glass of water because my mom is asleep and not answering her phone.
I can’t tell my grandmother no. She’d go without.
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Originally Posted by Kibbiekat
To be clear, I'm not saying your mom is right. She's not. But you can't change her, you can only distance yourself. You can't do that.
If your "job" is to take care of your grandma, there should be a schedule. You should go over at the same time every day and get her what she needs. Maybe your mom is the one who gets her breakfast, and you go over later to do dishes or laundry and get her lunch, or whatever. If there's an emergency, of course all that changes, but I don't understand why you are being called to come over at the last minute all the time.
Take yesterday for example, my cat is injured and on a soft food diet. I had to run to get soft cat food and my birth control from Walmart and I swung by my grandmother to pick up the rest of my stuff from the night before and my moms all like I’m not getting out of bed go get your grandmother food I’m not doing it even tho I was having an issue with my script and hadn’t gotten my pills and didn’t have time to help her. I ended up doing it anyways and it forced me into having to start my pills a day later than I wanted to.
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Originally Posted by newtovenice
Bolded part sounds like a reaction a teenager would have, complete with 'reasons' why. WTH does whose name on the cell phone contract have to do with ANYTHING???
An adult would shrug it off or just say, "Table's done, mom."
Because she spent 18 years telling me I owned nothing and that the house and my phone and my laptop were hers and that I just used them and that if I wanted to make my own rules then I could move out and pay for my stuff and then it would be mine to do with it as I pleased.
A teenager can’t own property.
A teenager can’t sign a contract.
I did.
My mom has zero legal grounds to tell me to put my phone away, it’s not in her name and she doesn’t pay for it. If she’d like that ability she can Apple Pay me $100/mo.
My point being, that you have entangled your living situation and your "job" with your family members and you can't get out.
ETA my mom and I have had some issues with her continuing to treat me like a child long into my adult years. the difference is, I have a job and a home that have nothing to do with her. I can choose how often and for how long I see her, or if I communicate with her at all.
I’m not dependent upon my mother tho.
And we were just fine before she came down here and my grandmother was enjoying her independence.
And your mom isn't going anywhere, nor is she going to change.
The only thing you have any control over is yourself.
Bingo.
All I said to her after that CALMLY was “You don’t pay the bill, don’t tell me how to use it.” and I walked out the the garage and ripped my vape pen a few times and came back inside.
I almost think it makes her feel good inside.
My grandmother and boyfriend even have mentioned that she likes to attack me verbally when I come over. She always finds something.
She’s an instigator and I shouldn’t have to limit how much I see my 80 year old grandmother. She’s my best friend and I’d like every second with her and it’s gotten increasingly hard to get her out of the house.
All I said to her after that CALMLY was “You don’t pay the bill, don’t tell me how to use it.” and I walked out the the garage and ripped my vape pen a few times and came back inside.
I almost think it makes her feel good inside.
My grandmother and boyfriend even have mentioned that she likes to attack me verbally when I come over. She always finds something.
She’s an instigator and I shouldn’t have to limit how much I see my 80 year old grandmother. She’s my best friend and I’d like every second with her and it’s gotten increasingly hard to get her out of the house.
So what's the point of the thread? I must have missed it.
There has to be something.
Therapy?
Intervention?
Reverse psychology?
She’s going to make me start prematurely aging if I don’t get a handle on it.
We've been trying to provide all of that here for you for 10 years to no avail. Do you have insurance or a way to cover any of that? Go for it. I think you could definitely benefit from good therapy.
Therapy for yourself, maybe? You aren't going to be able to change your mother and you need to accept that. Maybe some sort of therapy for your grandmother so she sees the error in her ways and kicks the deadbeat out? Unfortunately, many senior citizens are taken advantage of like that. It's sad but I don't think there's anything you can do about it. Does your mom have other siblings who might be able to take a stand and insist that she move out?
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