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Am not sure if you're interested but, the thing is... that when I try to be confident, people complain(e.g family friends) say that I am selfish, but when I try to be selfless and nice people say that I am shy and timid. The problem is that I get naive and make mistakes.
People tell me that I should just be me, but that isn't working either
When I pay close attention to my friends they seem to be getting high of talking, whereas I just seem to be getting tired, Its not that I feel embarrassment, To hang around with friends, It's just that I prefer to read books, do workouts boxing martial arts at home, I get high when I am on my own.
My dad(an alcoholic) calls me a moron all the time, so I do all that he wants, but he still calls me idiot, but I have been thinking about it, It doesn't make any sense. I always felt confused about life because my parents always rejected my dreams and my ideas at the threat of physical threats, I have difficulty making my own decisions and I have to think twice. My parents never trusted me, their only there to tell me how wrong I am, I feel inadequate among my friends because my parents always says that I am not good like them.
My father is often embarrassed to be with me his very narcissistic. If I tell my father about studying psychiatry and as I start to explain it, my father seems to get fired up with a smirk calling "yeah you want to learn something that makes you dumb!"
When among people. I can hear the voice of my parents, saying I don't have what it takes, that am not like them. My mum always says that I am not a real human That I am not a real man.
When my dads mates says something negative about me such as I don't socialize enough or Iam awkward, my dad just gets angry with me and starts name calling me, he refuses to understand me.
When I do things like working out or martial arts, my father seems to discourage me, saying that I am an idiot. I remember the days my father was nice to me when I was young, as I grew into my teenage years his just hostile towards me and seems to see me like a threat.
I never have time to get smart because I am always dealing with my guilt, I am always looking for ways to win their respect to prove them that I am human. My Dad always puts me down in front of people, he never support's my ideas, say my dads friends are around and they ask me what I am doing and I tell them I'm reading books then my dad interupts and says it useless. You might have difficulty believing in what I am saying because this doesn't happen at you're home.
My mother never to stick up for me, whenever I have plan for my life, my father always forbids it he says, " What makes you think you are so special, Every parents children submits! And you won't" , it has to be his way of doing things always and my mother backs him and she trys get me to apologize for my decision makings.
My question is how to be human? What is going to take to be right?
Cain, are you in the United States? Mental health care varies drastically from one country/culture to another. I am wondering if you are from somewhere where you can access therapy, because I agree with BirdieBelle that you will likely benefit from it to get past your parents' abusive behavior. What they are saying to you is not right. Parents, ideally, should support their children's interests.
With that being said, you are 26. What do you do for a job? Or are you a student? You should be well on your way toward getting out of their home and onto your own life. I know this varies from culture to culture, but you are getting closer to 30 and it is time to become an adult. If you already live on your own and support yourself, you can choose to see your parents only occasionally or not at all. That is a choice that many people make if their parents are unsupportive and toxic.
The solutions help, I think you're right, I think it's more about being less responsible for their happiness and I working towards my independency slowly.
Is there something that I need to improve on, Is there something that I need to learn.
Yes, there is a lot you can learn so that you don't constantly feel their voices telling you that you don't know what you're doing.
You need to learn to trust your own judgment. They have told you that you aren't smart and can't make good decisions because it keeps you dependent on them. It makes them MORE able to control you.
Earn your own money and move toward independence. You may find these links helpful:
I have read the articles, they are helpful. Thanks
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