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Status:
"I don't understand. But I don't care, so it works out."
(set 25 days ago)
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Does she have any girlfriends? Before the stay home measures, was she doing acceptably well in school? Does she do anything at all (in times when we can leave the house)? Any sports, organizations, etc?
... It’s been going on for weeks. I’m about ready to just send her back home or beg her aunt to take her in at this point. Any advice would be helpful.
This is going to be a long one. I’m 26, my husband is 30. We recently took in my younger cousin who is 13 from a bad situation at home. Nothing legal, the mother agreed and is cooperating. Before we took her in with us, we would pick her up almost every weekend and she would sleep over with us for the last 7 years or so. We are very close and she knows us well. However, for the past month or so, I have completely lost control. My husband and I do not have any experience raising a teenager so I’m looking for advice. She has been lying constantly about completing school work from home to me and her mother. She has been very disrespectful and refusing to listen or see me or husband as parental figures. Her aunt, also my cousin, lives down the street and has been helping me, she took her in for a week and it was the same deal. I have tried taking away phone and games, that didn’t work and she actually tried to runaway. I have called her mother numerous times to talk to her and she has, but that does not help either. This is a kid who has been through a lot within her life and I’m trying to be understanding. I’ve tried giving her her space and letting her come to me, that does not work and she gets no work done. I’ve tried being right on her, also gets no work done and causes a huge fight between everyone. I’ve asked both her mother and aunt for help as they are older than me and have raised teenagers before hand. They both keep telling me that there is nothing I can do. It’s just a “teenager” thing. So I’m supposed to just let her do what she wants? Fail school? Stay up until 4am? I was told to “choose my battles” at that point. I personally feel the other adults in her life are being extremely lax with her behavior and not addressing it. Or they are addressing it, but there are no consequences. If I try to be the parent, it doesn’t work, I’ve tried it to take many different approaches with this and I feel like no one is willing to help me at this point. I feel as though these outbursts and disrespect are more than just a teenager being a teenager. It’s been going on for weeks. I’m about ready to just send her back home or beg her aunt to take her in at this point. Any advice would be helpful.
Thats a problem, I mean you not her, do you think you might be playing God ?
Anyway, you're in way over your head here.
Not going to work, never was. She doesn't see you as her parent because you're not. Not biologically, not legally.
Don't equate caring for her (you do) with trying to change her behavior.
Stop with the punishment, taking away phones, etc etc. That won't work and is actually inappropriate anyway.
Tell her flat-out, if she is to live there she will obey the rules of the house.
Make a list of the rules, print it, give her a copy, read it to her and tell her she has a week to comply. If she is unwilling then it's back to her mother/aunt.
And go about your business. She either will or she won't.
13 going on 30 is too old to impose discipline like with a younger child.
Good luck, I wish you both well.
This poster "gets it".
There is NO situation in any family or relationship , no matter how dysfunctional or convoluted that a sufficient and appropriate application of Love will not resolve.
Attraction not promotion is what gets through to people, the fine art of diplomacy is letting them have everything your way.
Thank you all for your help! She is using my address for school purposes only. But I have been in contact with her mother and her mother also agrees from her up bringing that she definitely does need to be in some type to counseling. She did spend the week at her aunts house (she sees her aunt as more of a parental figure than me or my husband) and her aunt had minor problems with her, but it seemed to work out and she even wanted to stay another night. I 100% understand her situation too, but all the acting out is not acceptable. We do have a written list of rules and she sees it everyday. She came back to us late last night. I did ask her if she wanted to continue staying here and she did say yes, so both my husband and I agreed to give it another week or so to see if there is any improvement and if not she will have to go back home. The whole quarantine thing does not help either as it changed the whole routine we had and she had just started her new school in the beginning of March. We just want to give her a safe space to be in until her mother gets her **** together so to speak. I appreciate all of the feedback!!!!
Thank you all for your help! She is using my address for school purposes only. But I have been in contact with her mother and her mother also agrees from her up bringing that she definitely does need to be in some type to counseling. She did spend the week at her aunts house (she sees her aunt as more of a parental figure than me or my husband) and her aunt had minor problems with her, but it seemed to work out and she even wanted to stay another night. I 100% understand her situation too, but all the acting out is not acceptable. We do have a written list of rules and she sees it everyday. She came back to us late last night. I did ask her if she wanted to continue staying here and she did say yes, so both my husband and I agreed to give it another week or so to see if there is any improvement and if not she will have to go back home. The whole quarantine thing does not help either as it changed the whole routine we had and she had just started her new school in the beginning of March. We just want to give her a safe space to be in until her mother gets her **** together so to speak. I appreciate all of the feedback!!!!
All these folks letting her bounce around like a ping-pong ball isn't really helping, especially with the part about establishing a routine. I think you should let her aunt and mother figure this out, especially since, again, you don't have any legal authority in this situation.
You have gotten a lot of good advice. Bless you for trying to help this girl. I don’t know the answer, but I’m pretty sure that she is testing you to see if you really care. She is subconsciously sure that she is not cared about enough, and that you will toss her back when the going gets tough. Maybe you should, because you really aren’t equipped for this, unless the girl is trying as hard as you are.
Ground rules and counseling should have been in place before she came to your house. The girl should have eagerly agreed to the rules if she wasn’t happy at home with her mother, and wanted to live with you. Did the girl want this change, or did the adults just decide to pass her around?
At this point, I would have a calm talk. Listen to her. She needs to be a willing partner if you have any hope of helping her. Insist that your rules be followed, but pick your battles and don’t sweat the small stuff. Know what the consequences will be and follow through. Get her in individual or family counseling.
If these things don’t work, then you at least know you tried. She is, after all, her parents responsibility, not yours.
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