Problems with daughter (17 yr old) (boys, activities, school, mature)
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What a smart, resourceful and successful girl! She wants to play volleyball, work, and take AP high school classes, and when faced with the fact that she may become pregnant took out all her money to buy a Plan B pill to prevent that, taking care of business, didn't ask for or need your help.
I'd say get out of her way, she's taking flight, and will very likely turn out to be a very successful independent motivated woman.
Also, can I point out that this all began with an investigation into how the kid spent like $50 of her own money. We're talking about the cost of a pair of jeans. Not an amount she needed to consult with parents before spending. This level of control of a law-abiding 17 year old isn't normal or healthy.
I would have ZERO trust or respect for my parents for snooping into my personal bank account. That crosses a line....a BIG line. Respect and trust is a two way street. You have to give it to get it.
Lying easily becomes a default reaction in times of stress and uncertainty. I seriously doubt this is the only thing she's lied about, and I said so upthread.
You know, if you'd take a breath and cease the unfounded "rescue fantasies," you might remember parents you know who were blindsided by the fact that their straight-A good girl was having sex. Who didn't realize it was time to just run out the door and "give her a shot" to take care of everything.
And, frankly, insinuating that he has some inappropriate interest in her sex life is pretty revolting.
How would any parent of a 17 year old be blindsided by the teen having sex? Teens have sex! That's perfectly NORMAL and expected.
Your wife should have handled the Plan B discussion ALONE. This type of thing is initially between mom and daughter. If mom then wants to include you she can. Imagine how embarrassing it is to have you there for that. You should have excused yourself the moment it came up, whether you suspected it was her or not. NO WAY does a girl share that info with dad, even if it's just about a friend.
Second of all, why you want to keep her from doing a sport is beyond me. Something that will keep her healthy, active, and around more girls (and less of the boyfriend) is a GOOD THING. She'll also need to keep her grades up to stay on the team. Any coach worth their salt makes sure of that.
I think you guys are taking the wrong tactic and punishing her instead of trying to help her grow up. That's what she means by "you're always mad and yelling". TALK to her. Set some guidelines and boundaries TOGETHER. She needs to know how to handle herself as an adult, not react to punishments forever.
And just so you know, not everyone believes that having sex, even at the ripe old age of 17, is normal and expected behavior for teens. Not every family thinks as yours does. People are different. It sounds like they didn't think they were "putting her in a situation." Now they're here for advice on how to regroup and proceed, not get bashed and slandered for doing it wrong.
You can hammer him all you want, but that horse is out of the barn.
OK, I can see you're too busy trying to be snide to carefully read what I wrote.
Yes, birth control is the whole point of birth control. Rather than cast this parent as an abuser and child molester, I'm trying to offer to YOU reasons why some parents don't do things exactly the same way you do.
They should have done a LOT of things differently. But they didn't. So put down the pitchfork and be helpful.
No, Dr. Phil. I figured maybe the wife took her daughter to get on birth control already, or had made plans to, and he just didn't know about it.
LOL I dread to think what the world would be like if every teenager who dated a guy her parents didn't approve of left the home because of this "abuse."
Honestly, your replies are so over the top and ridiculous, it feels like someone hacked your account.
Nope, still me, same person.
Lots of families don't approve of teenage girls having sex. And yet, lots of their teenage girls DO. It's the oldest story in the book. Lots of those girls wind up pregnant. And he seems perfectly willing to deal with the consequences of her getting pregnant! But the parents haven't gotten around to helping her get on birth control, although they did talk about safe sex, and will talk with her again now - but not take action. So far, despite their having ignored her need for birth control, she hasn't gotten pregnant. Good for her. He didn't imply that he didn't have all the details yet because his wife hadn't shared them all with him, he implied that they hadn't yet gotten the full truth out of her. So he seems to feel she hasn't yet 'come clean' to them, even after they've pressured her to reveal to them that she's become sexually active. What more is there for her to tell? Every time she snuck around to see her boyfriend? How many times she had sex? When did it start? What more is he hoping to get out of her?
And yes, many, many teenage girls leave home because of overly controlling parents, especially stepfathers!
They owe this girl an apology for invasion of her privacy. They need to step up to the plate and help her get on birth control. And they need to understand that she's already lost so much, due to the pandemic. Them punishing her for normal human activity is only making it far, far worse.
There was a cover up but no crime. She didn't want to talk about it; the sarcasm and hostility are evidence of that.
Just this. If my stepfather even now asked me a question like "We tried to call you last night and couldn't reach you - what were you up to?" and the answer was "on a booty call" I would lie to that man with a straight face for both of our sakes. He doesn't want to hear it and I certainly don't want to say it.
Can you imagine how uncomfortable she must have been when her stepfather started questioning her about her bank activity, when she knew the answer was "Plan B" and all the implications thereof? Of course her first instinct was to make something up. That's not a habitual liar, that's someone put on an incredibly invasive spot. If she were a habitual liar she'd have had a better lie ready.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ClaraC
What a smart, resourceful and successful girl! She wants to play volleyball, work, and take AP high school classes, and when faced with the fact that she may become pregnant took out all her money to buy a Plan B pill to prevent that, taking care of business, didn't ask for or need your help.
I'd say get out of her way, she's taking flight, and will very likely turn out to be a very successful independent motivated woman.
And just so you know, not everyone believes that having sex, even at the ripe old age of 17, is normal and expected behavior for teens. Not every family thinks as yours does.
To be concise - regardless of what "everyone believes" or how families think, a female having sex at the age of seventeen is statistically normal and should be expected.
The entire thread is a case study in how within a family there is no consistent singular thought process.
Took keys away for weeks one time lying about destination, that's excessive. Respect is earned, children do not owe you or the world anything really because they did not ask to exist.
Have her move out and pay her own way, while she still knows everything.
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I figured maybe the wife took her daughter to get on birth control already, or had made plans to, and he just didn't know about it.
