Therapy for 6 yo?

[5FLgirls]

Originally Posted by old biddie

I'm not sure about the tennis lesson part, but I can see a pattern in your writing that your daughter clearly does not enjoy sitting down to a meal with you and your husband (sorry to be so direct). So, I would think that she is picking up on the tension between the two of you (kids pick up on everything). She is looking for excuses to leave the table, this does not mean that I think she is lying about her symptoms, as a matter of fact I think she has a physical reaction to her stress.
Don't know how this started, but I think that she needs help, as do you and your husband. If he is not willing to do therapy and you are, I would say for you to go on your own. I think that when you heal, she will heal, and it sounds like she really needs you right now. If you are not getting anywhere with her doctor, you may want to try another or even a natural or holistic doctor.
You may also want to engage in some activities with her to bring down her stress like yoga or drumming, something non-competitive and non stressful that will build self esteem and let her bond with you more.

Thank you so much for your reply. She actually does the behavior at the dining table with or without both of us at the table. My husband only eats dinner with us two nights a week so she's doing this almost every night. Our old pediatrician had mentioned teaching her some relaxation techniques but we blew them off. Guess I need to rethink that.

[Roselvr]

Originally Posted by old biddie

I'm not sure about the tennis lesson part, but I can see a pattern in your writing that your daughter clearly does not enjoy sitting down to a meal with you and your husband (sorry to be so direct). So, I would think that she is picking up on the tension between the two of you (kids pick up on everything). She is looking for excuses to leave the table, this does not mean that I think she is lying about her symptoms, as a matter of fact I think she has a physical reaction to her stress.
Don't know how this started, but I think that she needs help, as do you and your husband. If he is not willing to do therapy and you are, I would say for you to go on your own. I think that when you heal, she will heal, and it sounds like she really needs you right now. If you are not getting anywhere with her doctor, you may want to try another or even a natural or holistic doctor.
You may also want to engage in some activities with her to bring down her stress like yoga or drumming, something non-competitive and non stressful that will build self esteem and let her bond with you more.

Sounds like there is a lot going on at home. How spaced are the kids? Did you have her, with her being the main focus for a few years, then bam, you gave birth to #2, then 3-4 months go by, you find out you are pregnant with #3, then again, newborn, few months go by, here comes #4? If this is so, she was the focus for a few years, then saw all of these other babies come, one right after the other and you were probably so busy that you didn't notice she was feeling left out...

Then add the stress of moving, the job change, house change, parents fighting & last, having to go to school while mommy is home with the rest of the kids. Very hard on a kid.

Does your daughter have medical problems or emotional problems or both? My guess is both.

I quoted the post above because I think they are spot on. Does she know that daddy will or won't be eating with you the night before, morning of, after she gets home from school or right before dinner? If he does not get home at the same time every night, she is probably stressing out all day wondering if he will be eating with you or not.

Now, it also can be for attention. How much attention does she actually get with 3 other kids in the house?

Originally Posted by 5FLgirls

Last night we went out to dinner and before we could place our order, my daughter told me she had to go to the bathroom. We went to the restroom and she told me she she was pooping. Then we went back to the table. Before the waitress came back to get our order, she said she had to go again. During the course of this meal, she returned to the bathroom three more times and told me she wanted to go home. My husband asked me if I thought she had an eating disorder because she does this at most meals. He finally got tired of it and told her he was taking her home. She proceeded to throw a full out tantrum in the restaurant (which she's NEVER done before--screaming "I want Mommy") and my husband carried her out kicking and screaming and then she ran away from him in the parking lot. He brought her home and put her to bed.

IMO, I don't think he handled the dinner too good. For what ever reason she needs you and not him. When she has to go to the bathroom, there is obviously poop in the toilet, so it's not like she is saying she has to go and doesn't.

Originally Posted by 5FLgirls

When I returned home with our other children, I said that maybe we should take her to a therapist. My husband and I got into a screaming match and he slept on the couch last night. He accused me of never being able to solve problems on my own and always needing to get help from others. In the meantime, our daughter is suffering, our other children are suffering and I wish my husband would go on a permanent business trip. This situation is not happening during a solid time in our relationship (which is another LONG story).

Sounds like you have been paying attention to what is actually going on.
You see your daughter is stressing out & it hurts you, other wise you would not be posting here for help.

Is it possible to actually talk to him and tell him that you two need to set some ground rules. No fighting in front of the children, and that you will deal with her potty problems. You will try to take her to the potty before you start cooking, then maybe once again before serving. I think it might be a good idea to feed the kids 1st when she gets home from school so that she knows she is not eating with the 2 of you. Yes, it is extra work, but in the long run might work.

School will be out (if it isn't already) and you can spend more time with her and try to get her on a different eating schedule. Also do a search for natural laxatives, it may help her. Are her stools always formed or no?

As for therapy & another pediatriacian / gastro, yes. Some kids need outside help and if you don't get her started on it now, you might have problems with her sharing with a counselor later on, like what I am going through. You may then end up with emotional problems / anger issues at school.

I mentioned you getting a job in your other post, but I'm not so sure it's a good idea with this going on, especially since your hubby is not compasionate.

Funny, he wants to go for acupuncture for himself but his own kid can't have outside help. nice.

How old is he if you don't mind me asking. He sounds pretty immature. At some point, you have to decide if being in the marriage is the right thing to do. People can change. He could also be so stressed out (like your not).

FWIW, maybe if you did give him sex a little more he'd chill out some & let you deal with your daughter. You don't have to want or need it just give it to him enough to keep him happy.

Good luck.

[sskkc]

With the meal thing... my daughter is the same way. As soon as we sat down, she'd need to go, even if she'd gone before and then said she needed to 2-3 more times. It was an attention thing. In our home, no one eats alone. My dh and I will not leave the table until both children are done, though we do excuse our oldest. Our son was the same way... meals getting dragged out to an hour or more, until we put a 30 minute time limit on them. (Since starting school, he's gotten better... they get between 10-15 minutes to eat lunch, then that's it.)

It has gotten VERY old. About a year ago, we had enough. We told her the new rules... she goes before she eats, and only leaves the table once. When the rest of us are done, she's done. Whether or not she's finished eating. She wants to spend 10 minutes looking at herself in the mirror? (This is what she is doing) Fine. When company is over, she goes before she eats. If she has to leave the table during the meal, she's done eating for the day. After a few weeks of missing dessert (if you're too full to finish dinner, no dessert) she started whining. She began the "I'm starving thing" after bedtime. "Too bad", we'd tell her.

It's better now. If I forget to remind her to go potty before we eat though, she will ask to go during meals. She tries it at grandma's house and anytime we're invited out. Rules are rules. New rule too - if you can't finish your meals, no snacks. I'll make exceptions for carrot sticks, but nothing else. And generally not within 90 minutes of a meal, either way.

[Roselvr]

Originally Posted by 5FLgirls

On Monday night, she laid on the couch and refused dinner telling me she was tired and didn't feel well. She also said she had a terrible day at school. On Tuesday when I picked her up from tennis, she whispered in my ear happily that she had pooped. The mom who takes her to tennis informed me that she'd been crying the whole way home from school, cried during her tennis lesson and then told the mom she had to use the bathroom. When they entered the bathroom, she told the mom she'd had an accident. The mom (luckily) had a change of underwear in the car, changed her and my daughter happily finished her tennis lesson.

Let me also say she must be miserable at school if the other kids know she has pooping problems. Does she get teased?

I used to hold mine because I was too busy to stop what I was doing to go poop. Needless to say I did mess my pants some days. Very humiliating. I did grow out of it.