Help with getting my 13 yr old son out the house (punish, games)
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Hi,
I have posted here before about the same topic. My 13 year old son is not interested in getting out and making friends. We moved right at the start of COVID and it has been really difficult here for him. I feel extremely guilty because the we had just moved a a year and a half prior and he was finally readjusted and making friends at the old place. We moved here because of a job. He is such a great kid, quirky, funny and smart but he has social anxiety and will not reach out to anyone. He does like scouts, but he is mostly into video games and will spend all of his time doing that. I just recently took the computer away. How long before he gets bored enough to want to get out of the house and make friends, get into a sport, etc. He told me that he feels isolated at school because his school is cliquish, which I hate for him. I just don't know what to do for him. I want to fix it for him because I feel so guilty about moving us. Help!
Are the boys and girls clubs or rec. Centers open in your area? I would enroll him in their after school program. Also, I would enroll him in an extra curricula activity that he is interested in. What about a church youth group?
I feel for him as it is hard starting over again and coming to a place where everyone already knows each other. But at the same time, military kids move frequently and seem to do fine overall.
I think you need to slow down and put yourself in your son's shoes. It's the middle of the pandemic so your not even able to have a normal school experience to introduce yourself to your new peers.
This is a hard time for kids to maintain friendships they've had for years. It's not your son's fault, it's just a really weird and unusual time we live in. Let me ask you....how many friends that you engage with every single day have you made? Not just coworkers or saying hello to a neighbor, real legit come over everyday friend have you made? Maybe your lucky, but I'm sure it's been just as hard for you too.
13 is a super hard age to reestablish friendships. Kids are already going through an awkward and emotional stage in life. Add trying to break into establish friend groups that can be off standish to newcomers like your son's experienced and it's even worse. It's not surprising the kids at school don't accept him.
Like another poster mentioned; his computer might have been his only real viable interaction with others. It may be counterintuitive in your mind, but most kids communicate through technology (computers, texting, games, apps). It's possible he was talking or playing with his friends back home or new ones he's made since moving.
It's sounds like your punishing him for not going outside with should be a separate issue. Talk to him about how he feels about his friend situation. Is he happy or wants help finding them? Has he tried and been rejected? Does he talk to his old friends? And maybe find friends yourself that have kids his age....that way you both have people to spend time with. But stop punishing him for something he's not able to control.
Computers are the way the kids communicate these days, which is a big part of why they have no social skills.
You don't say where you are, but aside from Scouts, there may be Sea Scouts or 4-H or FFA. Church groups are an excellent suggestion too.
My nephew was also addicted to computers. the only way I was able to get him outside was to shut the power off to his room so none of his devices worked. We're far out in the country so cell service is spotty and shutting off the power killed the wi-fi too.
He now loves riding his ATV and is a pretty good mechanic. He now has a decent job and has been promoted. He just graduated High School and his father sees college as a waste of money until my nephew figures out what he would like to do and will apply himself. I've been trying to talk him into trade school to be a professional mechanic, but like most modern kids, he has no motivation.
He's a good kid, but he's a product of his times.
If you could get your son into a club or sport he has some passion about, maybe he'll find friends and some self confidence too.
I took his computer away because of his smart mouth and bad grades. He says he just doesn’t feel like doing his work. I feel like we have been enabling him too much with the internet and really understanding with COVID. He is seeing a counselor for anxiety. He has been really disrespectful towards me and I won’t reward that behavior.
This is a really tough time for everyone. So many people are socially isolated. He's the new kid in town, people aren't supposed to be getting together to socialize because of Covid risks. Lots of kids are having trouble staying motivated to do online work.
It's going to get better soon. Meanwhile, try to be kind to him. Tolerant of him. It's a bad situation for everyone, but particularly for him. What do you expect him to go do, that is safe? If you're concerned about his grades, then don't punish him. Help him, by getting involved, and have him show you his schoolwork, and try to help him with sitting down to do it in the kitchen, while you're in there cooking.
There is really no way for him to make new friends right now, what with Covid.
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