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You assume that. It would depend on the judge and the judge has the final decision. I was in court on just such a thing and the judge refused to let the children speak. Told our attorney to sit down and shut up.
Wow. I DID assume that. I just looked it up, and you're right. The child doesn't get to choose out and out which parent to live with, until they're 18.
However, even still, in my case, we would've had to go back to court, and my son really really wanted to live with his dad. My ex wasn't a bad father...although, come to find out, he wasn't a great one either. But at the time, I was afraid our son would resent me, and I felt like he was old enough to decide who he wanted to live with...and he wanted to live with his dad.
However, I can see how my circumstances wouldn't work for OP now.
I assume that your gf is probably reaching the point where she needs to have a child before she is past an easy to get pregnant age. Whether it's a wise decision on your part to have a child is debatable, but my own father was 46 when I was born and I have no complaints. It's all fine and good for people to say your gf should wait, but that isn't necessarily the best option for her or you.
What if your gf were to get pregnant now? Could that extend her stay at your current location?
If you end up leaving your daughters I hope you have a plan in place so that there mother can't intercept mail, e-mail, calls, etc. She could try to make it look as if you are cutting off complete contact.
I assume that your gf is probably reaching the point where she needs to have a child before she is past an easy to get pregnant age. Whether it's a wise decision on your part to have a child is debatable, but my own father was 46 when I was born and I have no complaints. It's all fine and good for people to say your gf should wait, but that isn't necessarily the best option for you.
What if your gf were to get pregnant now? Could that extend her stay at your current location?
If you end up leaving your daughters I hope you have a plan in place so that their mother can't intercept mail, e-mail, calls, etc. She could try to make it look as if you are cutting off complete contact.
Thank you for the solutions-oriented comments.
Yes, you are right, my girlfriend does want a baby. And yes you are right that if she were to get pregnant now, that could potentially extend her stay. However, my ex will not sign off on a marriage dissolution without EVERYTHING, and I mean everything. Both my girl and I want to be married before conceiving a child. So, me being officially single would be a sensible place to start.
Good idea with communications. We currently Facebook message. Getting them to time out from all their newly developed screentime habits to actually talk to me is the real challenge. But Im going to need to think of ways that I can assure they get my mail and packages. Any ideas? Talking to mom is not an option. Her choice.
Hopefully there's plenty of time before you leave, but are you friends with any of the parents of your daughters' friends? Just in case there is suddenly no contact from your daughters. You would want to know if it's their choice or if communication is being blocked by the ex.
Hurt? Yes, of course, they will be hurt. I will be hurt. We all will hurt, are hurt, and by continuing to fight hurting more. I keep hearing these sentiments of me rushing or lacking patience, or that no matter what never let your daughters think you gave up on them. I just don't get it. Maybe I can't fully articulate the situation here. People don't seem to know that I stayed in my marriage for seven years as a glorified roommate. I, or we, did this for the kids. I wanted couples counseling. She did not. I went to all sorts of therapy in hopes of earning a chance, for our daughters. She was adamant that there was a ZERO solution, without even trying. I still stayed, for my girls. We ended up finally separating only because she lost her job for a year and we were completely out of money and couldn't pay the rent. So, she was like, let's kill two birds with two stones. She moved in with her mom, took the girls, to her one-bedroom apartment and I moved in with my friend an hour away to rent a room. This was the agreement because her mom lived close to their school. I was ALWAYS concerned they would have thought I left. My wife assured, oh no-no-no. As soon as you're back on your feet, its 50 / 50 custody. Everything else was agreeable. Then Covid hit, and the girls did not have to be physically near their school, and I went to ask for more time, she said no. I insisted and fought for more time. She said no, then hit me with papers, and wanted everything including me to ONLY Have visitation hours approved by her on a case by case basis. So fast forward a year, I'm in the same situation. Only with about a massive number of accumulated debt fighting this noble fight, everybody keeps pushing on principle. Please stop me when my girls start winning here.
Here's what I think after living through this: There's no right decision here. There's no moral high ground for anyone to stand on. It's really messed up, and you have no idea the pain I feel from day today. If I don't leave, shoot, with our without my new fiance, I am NOT going to have a home for my girls to come to. Not now, or anywhere near the future. And the longer I stay, the worse it gets. If I leave, there's a chance I can establish myself enough to actually have something to offer my children. I can't even provide a roof over their head, but I'm fighting for custody on this principle. And then, I fall in love, literally out of nowhere, totally minding my own business, with a beautiful, loving accepting soldier girl, and I'm selfish to run with that, make something with that, and do everything I can from a distance to know my girls are loved, wanted and always have a financially-secure home that they can go to. I'm sorry folks, but the latter scenario seems like the less of two evils to me. I'm not sure dying on my sword serves any real purpose, especially as I feel happening to me day by day.
Your kids want and need their dad, not a nicer house. You kept saying that you asked your ex wife to see them more, and she said no. Did you ask the courts? Did you file for 50/50 custody and lose in court? Honestly, it doesn't seem like you've really fought that hard. It sounds like, "I tried to work out custody with my wife, and she was mean to me, so I'm just going to move away." You said, "I insisted and fought for more time. She said no." And you just accepted that. It's not her decision to make. What did the courts say? There IS a right decision here. Do whatever you need to do to see and be with your kids as much as humanly possible. Stay close enough that you can go to every game, every performance or anything else they do. Show them that they are the most important thing in your life. Moving away and starting a new family is literally saying just the opposite.
I stayed in a marriage with a controlling and verbally abusive husband for 22 years until my kids were grown. They were the most important thing in my life. You do have a choice and are choosing a new family over your kids. They will see it that way.
You can’t provide for your kids financially and are in debt but you want to have another baby with this new lady?
There has to be more to why you don’t have more custody? Most courts want 50/50 unless there is an issue. I’m assuming since you don’t have a place of your own it is contributing to lack of custody?
If you were unemployed and got a job out of state to support you and your kids it would be different. To move for a lady and to start a new family in my opinion is not ok
My dad was not in my life and started over with different family. My step dad did the same. I can tell you this has long term impact on kids. As female especially you have huge trust and abandonment issues with men
Personally I think you need to work on getting to a better place financially to provide for the kids you have now. That way you can have more custody and be a provider plus emotionally be their for your kids
Wow. I DID assume that. I just looked it up, and you're right. The child doesn't get to choose out and out which parent to live with, until they're 18.
However, even still, in my case, we would've had to go back to court, and my son really really wanted to live with his dad. My ex wasn't a bad father...although, come to find out, he wasn't a great one either. But at the time, I was afraid our son would resent me, and I felt like he was old enough to decide who he wanted to live with...and he wanted to live with his dad.
However, I can see how my circumstances wouldn't work for OP now.
Yes, it was my assumption also at the time. I thought they would at the very least get to be heard.
I think you did the right thing in respecting your kids wishes. Kids need both parent even if they are divorced and they need parents to listen and put their needs first. Many look down on parents who relinquish their custody, especially mothers, but I think it is a very brave and selfless thing to do when it is for the benefit of your child.
If you are truly interested in continuing your relationship with the children, moving away from them doesn't seem to be the right solution, at least at this point. Have you yourself spoken to them about potential future events? I don't think they are too young to express their feelings about the whole thing.
That said, you have clearly stated that you are not able to provide for them, so until you are able to do so, seeking custody seems ill-considered. Is your girlfriend supporting you? What are you doing to earn a living? And the question of having a child with the GF is a valid one. Who is going to support THAT child?
Do you have employment opportunities if you move away with the GF? You say you will do everything you can to have a 'financially-secure' home they can go to. Perhaps the only solution is to get your personal financial house in order and then attempt to establish a more solid, ongoing custody arrangement. And I would explain this to the children.
I agree, this is a heartbreaking situation....
...
... The variables that have made my decision lead towards marrying my new girl and started our family are twofold. First, I'm 47 years old this year. That's no spring chicken, and I feel like if I'm going to do it, and I want to with my girl very much, then now is the time. Secondly, with regards to money, the army pays my girl well, and they cover rent as a separate as "housing expense" so that's incredibly helpful. Bankruptcy is also looking like a very viable option, especially considering the legal expenses that are racking up, how I got killed on taxes this past year due to the way my ex insisted on handling it, and the debt that I'm conceding at this point in the divorce in taking on including but not limited to a massive student loan. However, I fully intend on making every effort possible to pay everything off before filing for bankruptcy. Also, my girl and I have been together for just over a year now. ...
Quote:
Originally Posted by robckeller
...
... I was not a good husband but was a good dad. I was the SAHP for about six years. .....
...I have moved in with her, which is 10 minutes away from my wife's place. This has helped my custody case tremendously.
... I am being 100% transparent with my children about my situation
.... My ex is a disengaged parent who sees the children as objects and/or company. They've developed IPAD and IPHONE addictions since the split. They NEVER had devices before. The ex is not interested in extracurriculars, so I continue to try and navigate those, always coaching and transporting and paying for my kid's soccer and softball.
#1. From the facts of your life looks like you are a more passive and less ambitious person and try to “coast” in life and settling for whatever makes your life easier. The women in your life take a lead on what happens to YOU.
#2. It is pretty obvious that one of the most prominent attractions for you regarding your new partner that her situation in the military bodes well in providing YOU with the favorable to YOU solutions in terms of money, housing, healthcare for life- etc.
You are willing to give up everything- leaving your daughters behind with the allegedly unengaged parent, including having another child for your partner.
The life has a habit of throwing you a few curve balls: what if the 3d child is born with the disability- like an autism?- due to perhaps father’s age? Think about it. Look up what type of sacrifice is involved..
Do YOU want a third child? The 3D child is NOT a trading card for a free housing, healthcare and a steady paycheck
Maybe the best if you are not rushing into a new marriage with the new child where you still can’t support your 2 current ones?
How do you know that you will be a good husband for this second woman?
Your history will repeat itself with her.
The best way to stay engaged and the most important things you could do for your daughters’ future is to show them how to manage life’s misfortunes and how to get yourself UP on your OWN.
Focus on that!
This will be a great long term basis for your relationship with your daughters.
(Otherwise, you are setting your daughters for personal failures and into accepting men in their life - who are weak, infantile, not dependable and not worthy of their respect- do you want them to be used like that?)
P.S. Please, don’t be too transparent with your daughters regarding your pitiful situation, when you are practically selling yourself and them to your new partner for a chance of an easy life.
They are at the age when they understand and it looks like you are manipulating them into an acceptance of you moving away/ having another child and to feeling sorry for you, when in fact it should be YOU who should feel sorry for your children.
Be a good Dad
Last edited by Nik4me; 03-26-2021 at 07:57 AM..
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