Young adult child controlling house (bullying, out of control, divorce, autism)
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My son (age 22) and daughter (age 19) currently live at home. They attend school online. My daughter tends to help more with chores around the house and runs her own business online. My son is on the Asperger's spectrum and has to be asked and pleaded with to get him to do chores. He tends to make a mess in the kitchen trying out new recipes, and I (mom) am the one who always has to clean it up. If I ask him to empty the dishwasher, it always seems like it is in a current wash cycle and when it is finished he seems to be busy and can't remember to come empty it for me. I wash all of his laundry and clean up his messy bathroom. My husband and I recently converted our garage to a fitness room. I had planned to put an small office/desk for my husband out there, and also possibly fit a pool table. During the room conversion, our son purchased a huge 9' x 10' total body fitness machine that ended up taking up 1/3 of the room. By the time we got our treadmill & elliptical in there, it was no more room for the pool table or desk. My son moved his gaming machine and desk out there and currently he spends 80% of his time in that room playing games all day.
Here is the issue: the HVAC system out in that room and also inside the main area of the house. We got a mini split system for the converted garage with a remote control. The first day that he started using the new room, he took control of the HVAC remote. He likes to run the heat (even in the spring/summer). He keeps the heat in the room on at 74-75 degrees. My daughter went out into the room to do a workout on the new equipment, and it was too hot. She asked him to turn the heat off or put a little air conditioning on, and he refused. He actually hid the remote and would not give it to me. My husband saw all of this and refused to take the remote control back from my son. He allowed the charade to continue, and my daughter had hard feelings for a while after this. The next day, my son came to all of us and told us that if we would talk to him nicely, he would not take the remote and we could all compromise on the temperature
Next, he decides to start turning on the heat inside the main house. He is currently on a vegan/keto diet where he went from 200 lbs to 140 lbs. He is very skinny and cold all of the time, which is why he wants to run the heat. He began turning the heat on inside our home to 73-74. I am currently going thru menopause and am hot all the time. I explained to him that it is easy for him to put a coat on, but I cannot take clothes off. I threatened that maybe I should just strip down and be naked just to make my point.
Tonight was a big blow out argument- especially with me and my husband. My daughter & I went out grocery shopping. I arrived home and as I was unloading groceries, I feel a blast of heat in the house. He has the heat running of course (it was 75 degrees outside today- so no need to have heat on inside). Knowing that I was going to start cooking and that creates heat in the kitchen, I expressed my frustration that the heat was on. I got even more frustrated when I found out that he wasn't even in the main area of the house when he turned it on- he just came in to go to the bathroom for 5 min and turned it on, then walked back out into the converted garage. So he basically did it for nothing. I was pretty upset with him for this. My husband walked in, and I explained. My husband immediately took my son's side. He told me I was being unreasonable because I wasn't home. I explained that I don't like coming in to a hot house and that there's no reason it needed to be on- son was not even in the main house. My husband started yelling over me and telling me I was being rude. I argued back and told him he should stop kissing son's a$$ (his yelling and interrupting me and refusing to back me up really got to me and made me say that). Then, it went downhill from there. My husband told me I was crazy, was bit##ing, was out of control, etc. I NEVER raised my voice at him. I NEVER called him names or said he was crazy. Then my son came back in and started arguing with me. My husband never once backed me- he was silent. We were in the middle of cooking our dinner. My husband then said "I'm not cooking anything else- you can eat it. I'm going to pick me up some food and go out". I said "It's 10:30pm- nothing is open now." I began to cook some rice to go with our chicken. My husband said "You can cook your own side dishes and I'll cook mine". I said "That's pretty childish to act like that. I'm making rice for us". My husband said "Go ahead and cook it, but I won't be eating even one little grain of your da** rice." Just then, my elderly mother called and I asked her what temperature they kept it in their house. She likes it cool- and she replied 68-69. She heard us arguing and told us to both drop it and try to get along (we're in our 50's- ) After I hung up, I told my husband we should be ashamed and need to drop it. He then said "Yes we do because I'm right". I said "What????". He said "I'm always right and don't forget it". Then another argument began.
I personally think that our son should NOT be in control of our HVAC unit. He needs a coat when he is cold (he walks around wearing a short sleeve tank top yet cries that he's cold all the time). I don't appreciate hubby talking to me like that in front of them (it sets a horrible example), and not to mention him not backing me up (basically he let our son divide us- the parents). What do you think????
Well, I'm in my early 40's and I've got two kids too. My oldest is 17 and is also on the spectrum and I can definitely recognize the spectrum-y similarities between your son and mine I really hope that anyone who reads this that isn't intimately familiar with spectrum-y, young men treat this with kindness... It's not an easy road and it's an endless road too...
Even though my son still has a year of high school left I am already thinking about possible living arrangements once he graduates. He hasn't determined fully if he'll go to technical college, but he's strongly leaning in that direction which means he'll be living with us for at least 2-3 more years. My husband doesn't like to put limitations on our boy, but I'm the realist and the planner and I'm thinking about what it would mean if he never wants to leave our home. I'm thinking about it a lot lately actually...
We bought a small hobby farm with a 2 bedroom, 910 sq ft. home on it. We will use it as a vacation rental and guest home until our younger graduates (he's in 8th grade). I want to live there in five years, but I'm not excited to share it with my older son...at least as it is right now.... this weekend I figured out how to do a renovation and how to convert the living room into an additional bedroom... it could work, but I'd still prefer if he had his own space once he's in his early 20's. Our situation is such that we already own three homes in the area and we could easily sell one in order to buy him a modest condo. I was even looking up bus routes and neighborhoods this afternoon. I haven't talked to him about this... way too early for that.... mostly I'm trying to figure out how -I- feel so that when the time comes I have already worked through my feelings AND come up with some options that might work for our family.
Enough about me...
Looking at your situation I think that if you haven't thought about this as a family and as a mom of adult kids that the time to do so is probably at your feet. In the least I think changing where people are in the household would work... maybe you switch the workout room and make it your son's room. You keep ALL his stuff in the converted garage so he can have the temperature exactly as he needs it. Clear boundaries.
My husband and I actually have the smallest bedroom in our 3 story townhome. It's fine because even though it's only 1500 sq ft, for whatever reason each bedroom has both it's own bathroom and walk-in closet. My youngest son's bedroom is pretty much the entire bottom floor. He got it because he's a popular, neuro-typical kid that has lots of friends always coming and going. We gave our oldest son the master/owner's suite. It's the 2nd largest and has the best windows/view. He has the most stuff so it made sense to give this to him. They go back to actual school tomorrow, but he's pretty much in this room 20-22 hours a day since Covid started.
I used to clean his room until this last year because I love everything clean and organized. For whatever reason when I say I'm going to clean his room he says he'll do it and he actual does it. He's not as quick with the laundry unfortunately and sometimes it starts to stink! But again, all I have to do is ask him to take it down... and he will! He's pretty receptive to me talking about how important it is and why it's important for me to keep things clean. I talk about it as if I were talking to a friend. I'll say, "you know, I just feel like I can concentrate more when everything is in its place", etc.., etc.. and for whatever reason he connects to what I'm saying and agrees. But he does need reminders My 14 year old on the other hand is quite independent for his age... he can be a jerk... but he's independent I'll say that much... he does everything except cooks on the stove. He'd probably do that too except he lives off of smoothies and fruit...
Anyway I feel like I'm rambling.... I think it sounds like it's time for some changes. Too many adults needing different things now.
I'm no parenting expert but I think YOU personally should discipline your son when you see fit.
This scenario, the household divided, could get worse unless your husband joins YOUR team.
If your husband isn't willing to side with you disciplining your son, you need to be the better parent and do it yourself. Your son will respect you for this someday.
I'm not going to be delicate here....Your husband is behaving like a coward if he's not honoring you OR disciplining his son. When a man fails as a husband and father this way the household will continue to be in upheaval.
When grown men are immature and childlike It's common Mom and the oldest daughter team up and become the "parents" in a household of "boys". Daughter may start calling Dad out on his behavior and feel she needs to defend Mom.
I'm so sorry your household is divided. Two things :
Discipline your son.
If your husband can't grow up and get on board, you'll have 3 children. Best of luck.
My son (age 22) and daughter (age 19) currently live at home. They attend school online. My daughter tends to help more with chores around the house and runs her own business online. My son is on the Asperger's spectrum and has to be asked and pleaded with to get him to do chores. He tends to make a mess in the kitchen trying out new recipes, and I (mom) am the one who always has to clean it up. If I ask him to empty the dishwasher, it always seems like it is in a current wash cycle and when it is finished he seems to be busy and can't remember to come empty it for me. I wash all of his laundry and clean up his messy bathroom. My husband and I recently converted our garage to a fitness room. I had planned to put an small office/desk for my husband out there, and also possibly fit a pool table. During the room conversion, our son purchased a huge 9' x 10' total body fitness machine that ended up taking up 1/3 of the room. By the time we got our treadmill & elliptical in there, it was no more room for the pool table or desk. My son moved his gaming machine and desk out there and currently he spends 80% of his time in that room playing games all day.
Here is the issue: the HVAC system out in that room and also inside the main area of the house. We got a mini split system for the converted garage with a remote control. The first day that he started using the new room, he took control of the HVAC remote. He likes to run the heat (even in the spring/summer). He keeps the heat in the room on at 74-75 degrees. My daughter went out into the room to do a workout on the new equipment, and it was too hot. She asked him to turn the heat off or put a little air conditioning on, and he refused. He actually hid the remote and would not give it to me. My husband saw all of this and refused to take the remote control back from my son. He allowed the charade to continue, and my daughter had hard feelings for a while after this. The next day, my son came to all of us and told us that if we would talk to him nicely, he would not take the remote and we could all compromise on the temperature
Next, he decides to start turning on the heat inside the main house. He is currently on a vegan/keto diet where he went from 200 lbs to 140 lbs. He is very skinny and cold all of the time, which is why he wants to run the heat. He began turning the heat on inside our home to 73-74. I am currently going thru menopause and am hot all the time. I explained to him that it is easy for him to put a coat on, but I cannot take clothes off. I threatened that maybe I should just strip down and be naked just to make my point.
Tonight was a big blow out argument- especially with me and my husband. My daughter & I went out grocery shopping. I arrived home and as I was unloading groceries, I feel a blast of heat in the house. He has the heat running of course (it was 75 degrees outside today- so no need to have heat on inside). Knowing that I was going to start cooking and that creates heat in the kitchen, I expressed my frustration that the heat was on. I got even more frustrated when I found out that he wasn't even in the main area of the house when he turned it on- he just came in to go to the bathroom for 5 min and turned it on, then walked back out into the converted garage. So he basically did it for nothing. I was pretty upset with him for this. My husband walked in, and I explained. My husband immediately took my son's side. He told me I was being unreasonable because I wasn't home. I explained that I don't like coming in to a hot house and that there's no reason it needed to be on- son was not even in the main house. My husband started yelling over me and telling me I was being rude. I argued back and told him he should stop kissing son's a$$ (his yelling and interrupting me and refusing to back me up really got to me and made me say that). Then, it went downhill from there. My husband told me I was crazy, was bit##ing, was out of control, etc. I NEVER raised my voice at him. I NEVER called him names or said he was crazy. Then my son came back in and started arguing with me. My husband never once backed me- he was silent. We were in the middle of cooking our dinner. My husband then said "I'm not cooking anything else- you can eat it. I'm going to pick me up some food and go out". I said "It's 10:30pm- nothing is open now." I began to cook some rice to go with our chicken. My husband said "You can cook your own side dishes and I'll cook mine". I said "That's pretty childish to act like that. I'm making rice for us". My husband said "Go ahead and cook it, but I won't be eating even one little grain of your da** rice." Just then, my elderly mother called and I asked her what temperature they kept it in their house. She likes it cool- and she replied 68-69. She heard us arguing and told us to both drop it and try to get along (we're in our 50's- ) After I hung up, I told my husband we should be ashamed and need to drop it. He then said "Yes we do because I'm right". I said "What????". He said "I'm always right and don't forget it". Then another argument began.
I personally think that our son should NOT be in control of our HVAC unit. He needs a coat when he is cold (he walks around wearing a short sleeve tank top yet cries that he's cold all the time). I don't appreciate hubby talking to me like that in front of them (it sets a horrible example), and not to mention him not backing me up (basically he let our son divide us- the parents). What do you think????
Take away their precious mayonnaise and maybe the son will be more submissive to your assertiveness then, lol JK, I don’t know what to say, other than the fact that kids’ atrocious lack of respect for their own parents and teachers and other people of authority, though in all honesty I feel that it’s partly because parents these days try to be their kids “Friend†rather than the parents like they used to be. I find it sickening and scary that even a considerable proportion of adults in my own generation(I’m 35) seem to have been brought up to be less respectful of authority than the generations older than me. Back when I was in high school, my peers were probably disciplined less effectively than was the case of my mother and father when they were in high school, it’s no wonder I’ve seen videos and horror stories on how kids these days apparently run the schools now with their malicious behaviors.
Apparently I'm the only one so far, who feels like there's a lot of pertinent info missing from the story.
OP, with what money did your son buy an expensive workout machine? Is it normal for autistic kids to just do what they want, without asking parents if taking over a new room would be ok? Maybe it depends on the degree of autism...? Or the family dynamics?
Couldn't you take his desk, and move it into his room, explaining that his dad needs the space in the garage/spare room for his own desk?
You said, with your son's workout machine, the treadmill, and the elliptical, there was no room left for a desk and/or pool table. Yet you then added, that after all the sports equipment was in there, your son somehow managed to add a desk to it all. So there is room for a desk? Or does that make the room overcrowded, to the extent that it's hard to move around?
I must be missing something here, but have you and your husband always been so passive in dealing with your son? He's always been allowed to do whatever he wants in terms of living arrangements/space usage in the home, regardless of parental plans for furnishing the house? And when did this power struggle over the indoor temperature begin? Recently? If so, why? What triggered that? I wonder if there's a way to add a lock to the thermostat, or get a special thermostat that accommodates a lock.
It sounds like the main issue here, the underlying problem, isn't your son, it's the fact that you and your husband aren't on the same page regarding how to deal with a special needs child, and as a result, the child, now a young adult, has taken over. The lack of a unified approach to dealing with your son has created a monster, to some extent. But also, your husband doesn't seem supportive of you generally. He "fights mean" and lashes out at you, which doesn't bode well for the longevity of the marriage.
How long has there been this conflict between you and your husband regarding your son? Have you ever suggested marital counseling or family counseling for this? Back when your son was growing up?
My impression from reading the OP: you start out describing a situation in which your son has commandeered the new rec room, but the real issue is something else entirely. While you and your husband are arguing like children, the son has stepped into the void of parental leadership, and taken over the house. He even takes advantage of your husband's personal attacks on you, and joins in with the bullying. . That tactic is called "triangulation". This is not a healthy dynamic.
Marital counseling, please!
P.S. Just to be clear, you have my sympathy. Not having the support of your co-parent (and life partner) is a very difficult situation to be in, but that should have been addressed 10 years ago or longer. It sounds like you've been having marital problems for quite awhile, that have festered. There's not going to be an easy fix to this.
Last edited by Ruth4Truth; 04-19-2021 at 10:10 AM..
Maybe it's time to move somewhere with your daughter, while your husband lives with your son. Parents should always take each others' side and not let the kids play one parent against the other.
Quote:
Originally Posted by jillfrank
My son (age 22) and daughter (age 19) currently live at home. They attend school online. My daughter tends to help more with chores around the house and runs her own business online. My son is on the Asperger's spectrum and has to be asked and pleaded with to get him to do chores. He tends to make a mess in the kitchen trying out new recipes, and I (mom) am the one who always has to clean it up. If I ask him to empty the dishwasher, it always seems like it is in a current wash cycle and when it is finished he seems to be busy and can't remember to come empty it for me. I wash all of his laundry and clean up his messy bathroom. My husband and I recently converted our garage to a fitness room. I had planned to put an small office/desk for my husband out there, and also possibly fit a pool table. During the room conversion, our son purchased a huge 9' x 10' total body fitness machine that ended up taking up 1/3 of the room. By the time we got our treadmill & elliptical in there, it was no more room for the pool table or desk. My son moved his gaming machine and desk out there and currently he spends 80% of his time in that room playing games all day.
Here is the issue: the HVAC system out in that room and also inside the main area of the house. We got a mini split system for the converted garage with a remote control. The first day that he started using the new room, he took control of the HVAC remote. He likes to run the heat (even in the spring/summer). He keeps the heat in the room on at 74-75 degrees. My daughter went out into the room to do a workout on the new equipment, and it was too hot. She asked him to turn the heat off or put a little air conditioning on, and he refused. He actually hid the remote and would not give it to me. My husband saw all of this and refused to take the remote control back from my son. He allowed the charade to continue, and my daughter had hard feelings for a while after this. The next day, my son came to all of us and told us that if we would talk to him nicely, he would not take the remote and we could all compromise on the temperature
Next, he decides to start turning on the heat inside the main house. He is currently on a vegan/keto diet where he went from 200 lbs to 140 lbs. He is very skinny and cold all of the time, which is why he wants to run the heat. He began turning the heat on inside our home to 73-74. I am currently going thru menopause and am hot all the time. I explained to him that it is easy for him to put a coat on, but I cannot take clothes off. I threatened that maybe I should just strip down and be naked just to make my point.
Tonight was a big blow out argument- especially with me and my husband. My daughter & I went out grocery shopping. I arrived home and as I was unloading groceries, I feel a blast of heat in the house. He has the heat running of course (it was 75 degrees outside today- so no need to have heat on inside). Knowing that I was going to start cooking and that creates heat in the kitchen, I expressed my frustration that the heat was on. I got even more frustrated when I found out that he wasn't even in the main area of the house when he turned it on- he just came in to go to the bathroom for 5 min and turned it on, then walked back out into the converted garage. So he basically did it for nothing. I was pretty upset with him for this. My husband walked in, and I explained. My husband immediately took my son's side. He told me I was being unreasonable because I wasn't home. I explained that I don't like coming in to a hot house and that there's no reason it needed to be on- son was not even in the main house. My husband started yelling over me and telling me I was being rude. I argued back and told him he should stop kissing son's a$$ (his yelling and interrupting me and refusing to back me up really got to me and made me say that). Then, it went downhill from there. My husband told me I was crazy, was bit##ing, was out of control, etc. I NEVER raised my voice at him. I NEVER called him names or said he was crazy. Then my son came back in and started arguing with me. My husband never once backed me- he was silent. We were in the middle of cooking our dinner. My husband then said "I'm not cooking anything else- you can eat it. I'm going to pick me up some food and go out". I said "It's 10:30pm- nothing is open now." I began to cook some rice to go with our chicken. My husband said "You can cook your own side dishes and I'll cook mine". I said "That's pretty childish to act like that. I'm making rice for us". My husband said "Go ahead and cook it, but I won't be eating even one little grain of your da** rice." Just then, my elderly mother called and I asked her what temperature they kept it in their house. She likes it cool- and she replied 68-69. She heard us arguing and told us to both drop it and try to get along (we're in our 50's- ) After I hung up, I told my husband we should be ashamed and need to drop it. He then said "Yes we do because I'm right". I said "What????". He said "I'm always right and don't forget it". Then another argument began.
I personally think that our son should NOT be in control of our HVAC unit. He needs a coat when he is cold (he walks around wearing a short sleeve tank top yet cries that he's cold all the time). I don't appreciate hubby talking to me like that in front of them (it sets a horrible example), and not to mention him not backing me up (basically he let our son divide us- the parents). What do you think????
(snip)
How long has there been this conflict between you and your husband regarding your son? Have you ever suggested marital counseling or family counseling for this? Back when your son was growing up?
My impression from reading the OP: you start out describing a situation in which your son has commandeered the new rec room, but the real issue is something else entirely. While you and your husband are arguing like children, the son has stepped into the void of parental leadership, and taken over the house. He even takes advantage of your husband's personal attacks on you, and joins in with the bullying. . That tactic is called "triangulation". This is not a healthy dynamic.
Marital counseling, please!
P.S. Just to be clear, you have my sympathy. Not having the support of your co-parent (and life partner) is a very difficult situation to be in, but that should have been addressed 10 years ago or longer. It sounds like you've been having marital problems for quite awhile, that have festered. There's not going to be an easy fix to this.
Great post.
I am a retired early childhood special education teacher, one of my goals, both as a home teacher of birth to three year olds and as a classroom teacher of three to five year old was to work with the parents on appropriate boundaries & parenting skills and behavior management. When a child is ten years old it is well past when parents should start addressing these issues. IMHO, this should start as a preschooler. A behavior that be fairly easily corrected or taught as a preschooler becomes far more ingrained and difficult to change if the child/teen or your case adult has been doing it for decades. It may (frankly, probably) take a lot of hard work to change your family dynamic and everyone's behavior but it can be done. I would suggest marriage counseling, family counseling and working with a autism specialist (especially one that specializes in adults on the autism spectrum).
Since many of my former students stayed in the same school district, I had the opportunity to observe or work with many of my former students ( to advise their current special education teacher or later as a substitute teacher). Some of the behaviors that parents thought were "cute or funny" when their child was three or four were NOT "cute or funny" when the child was in middle school or high school.
And, dealing with behavioral issues (such as refusing to follow parental rules or directions) may seem insignificant when the child is 35 pounds but will not seem as insignificant when the "child" is 6'2" and 200 pounds. It is your garage, and as parents you decide what goes inside it, not your offspring. Ditto for the thermostat (as long as it is a healthy temperature and not something ridiculous like 55 degrees). BTW, they do make locks for some thermostats, so it is not an ongoing fight.
Good luck on everything.
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) After I hung up, I told my husband we should be ashamed and need to drop it. He then said "Yes we do because I'm right". I said "What????". He said "I'm always right and don't forget it". Then another argument began. 
I really hope that anyone who reads this that isn't intimately familiar with spectrum-y, young men treat this with kindness... It's not an easy road and it's an endless road too...
I don’t know what to say, other than the fact that kids’ atrocious lack of respect for their own parents and teachers and other people of authority, though in all honesty I feel that it’s partly because parents these days try to be their kids “Friend†rather than the parents like they used to be. I find it sickening and scary that even a considerable proportion of adults in my own generation(I’m 35) seem to have been brought up to be less respectful of authority than the generations older than me. Back when I was in high school, my peers were probably disciplined less effectively than was the case of my mother and father when they were in high school, it’s no wonder I’ve seen videos and horror stories on how kids these days apparently run the schools now with their malicious behaviors.
