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I totaly agree with u ..... Steps need 2 be taken with out pushing ur child alway from u at the same time.. And thats not saying u r being a friend and not a parent... Yes every one is different at how they raise thier children but dont we honestly have the same gold to keep our children safe... So wake up and do whats right...
If you can afford it, it might not be a bad idea to take her to a therapist. A female might be a good idea. Often times teenagers turn off everything their parents say, I know I did. Maybe if they have an objective opinion about what was going on, it would have more impact.
I also think finding out who this man REALLY is might be an eye opening experience for her. My believe is that he is a predator, I'm sure this wasn't his first foray into this kind of act.
It is known to be true, only kids that earn privacy deserve privacy. Which means do not let you down, when you do give it to her. Well looks like she let you down, there should be no privacy allowed till she earns it back and no the the 24 year old, your a guy and you know what he is after, he will corrupt your daughter and it already sounds like he is a little. She does not need to be talking to him, it could be dangerous and if they were to get into a real relationship, he could damage her for life, if he uses her, which he probably will. Just to put it to you real. Thats how it is. No Exceptions.
I agree that the computer is where the problem started and I by no means approve of the situation at all. I don't believe a 24 year old man should be carrying on in such a way with a 16 year old girl. However, there are also other things to consider when looking at this. First of all the only ones that know the entire story is this 16 year old girl and 24 year old guy. For all anyone knows, she could have told him she was 18 or over and just didn't have the money to fly to see him. What I have not mentioned on here is that I have been around kids all of my life. I am the oldest of 9 and have 7 kids of my own, 3 of them girls. I also remember what is was like being 16 years old thinking I was "in love".
You want to know what I would have done? I don't mind telling you as I believe each parent has to do what works for their child as each of them are different. It doesn't make one way right and the other not - Just different. I admit my first inital reaction may have been to do the exact same thing but being the "thinker" I am, I like to try to look at each situation objectively and consider the different aspects of it to prevent making a rash decision that I may pay for later on in one way or another.
When I read this my thought process was this:
The first thing I considered was I didn't know if the girl had told this guy her correct age. For all we know, he could have told her his age and if she took any interest in him could have lied about how old she was. I don't know the personality of this girl or what her situation was where this is concerned. What I do know is kids tend to grow up faster these days then they did when I was growing up considering how much they are exposed to. Again, that is up to the parent. I for one, am very strict when it comes to what my kids are exposed to, not only online but also with the television and music.
The next thing I considered was this is the age of the internet. Kids can not only gain access to a computer in most of their homes, but in a library or computer lab at school. There is also the telephone which has been around a lot longer but more accessible then a computer. That makes it more challenging as a parent to keep your child safe and protected. Not impossible, but a lot more awareness needs to take place as well as open communication.
Then I remembered what it was like to be 16 and think I was "in love". Keep in mind I was a well behaved kid and never got into any trouble. However, when you think you are "in love" at that age, and your parent tells you that you can't have any contact with that person, chances are they will continue to do so behind that parents back. Not necessarily to be definant but because they are being ruled by emotions they don't completely understand and the maturity just isn't there yet. Now you take away the computer and pictures most likely she will not only rebel and see the guy behind your back, but she will feel like you just don't want to try to understand. That unbudging behavior will make it very likely that she will not open up to you. Very dangerous where the internet is concerned.
Now obviously the most important thing in this whole situation is to protect my child any way I can and do my best to prevent a repeat occurance without shutting down all lines of communication. I took all of these things into consideration in thinking about what I would do. First I considered her way of communicating with him and what could possibly happen if I took that away. Most likely she would find another computer to continue this behavior on and I would have no knowledge of this nor what went on. I also thought about the possible outcomes of this, the main one being a repeat attempt with no "paper trail" so to speak. I personally, find it better to be informed especially in this situation and I can't stress that enough. So, I thought about the options and I came up with this:
I would make sure I had parental controls set accordingly, which that in itself might be risky as she would know it was there and that would defeat the purpose.
Then I considered all the other things I have come across while being on the internet and knowing my kids are on there as well and I do my best to protect them from all that the internet has opened up to them. The internet is full of great things but there are also serious dangers. This is also the age of instant messengers and emails. One of the things that jumped out at me is there are programs out there that logs every activity of that person, websites visited as well as logging the instant messenger chats. I would definately install this to check daily while she wasn't on the computer to be aware of exactly what was being said so I would be more informed. The best thing being, nobody would know about this logging of data but you. I would definately do this.
Then there is the emails. I would add a filter to her account so I got a copy of all of her incoming emails or better yet set up an outlook account with her email address and password and have a copy of incoming and outgoing email sent there so you would have access to them. Yes an invasion of her privacy, but with the circumstances of the situation well warranted. I would do this as well.
As far as the pictures, although I would want to take them and rip them to pieces, I wouldn't do that. Pictures alone are harmless so there would be no need to do something like that to her, unless they were somehow unapproiate in nature. Trying to understand that would be a no brainer, I would rip them up, burn them, shred them whatever I felt like doing at that moment.
The last thing I would do is talk to her and try to have an open mind. Not to be "cool" but to use as a means of getting information I needed as well as finding out what her mind set is. Yes it would be a slow way of getting information at first, but gradually as she trusts you not to completely shut down and go off the wall about it, she will most likely open up and give you more information. It's all about her trust with you in regards to this. Perhaps seeing that you are willing to listen and take her feelings into consideration (agreeing with them or not) would make her take what you have to say into consideration herself. You have to keep in mind she is 16. She is no longer a baby or little kid and not quite an adult either.
With the exception of the parental controls which also run the risk of her thinking you don't trust her and alienating her making her most likely rebel, the other things I would definately do. At least I would have some type of control over the situation. A lot more then I had previously and I would know so much more and be better able to protect my daughter. If she is going to do it, she is going to do it regardless if you approve or not. Better to have some of these things in your corner then nothing at all. Having the internet around makes the job as a parent that much more challenging but it also makes is that much more dangerous and scary. Most of the people you meet online aren't living right down the street from you, or around the corner or even in the same city or state you are living in. They can be states away. So whereas I do not by any shape or form agree with a 24 year old man talking to a 16 year old girl, I want to be as informed as I could possibly be to protect my child not to be their friend. It's all about gathering information and keeping informed. Also logging these instant messages and emails from him gives you something else....evidence.
With that said, I don't find my thought process in regards to this completely insane. Just another way to handle a dangerous situation and protect my child.
I think the problem is more internal. I don't find an issue with the daughter; she's just reacting naturally.
I know the media has some of you thinking that all men who are older than women must be perverts/stalkers/rapists/etc. The fact is, it's bunk. There are those types out there, but just because a guy is older than the girl is not automatic proof of anything. You're assuming.
What I would like to know is:
- Why was no parental control software installed on this girl's computer? Why are you not controlling what the girl is exposed to on the internet, including IM? Why does she have a webcam? If it's to talk to friends remotely, she can do without the webcam.
- Where'd she come up with the money for the plane ticket? If the parent(s) gave it to her, they're as much at fault for giving money away without monitoring its use. Seems Draconian, but that's what you have to do nowadays.
- A child with a good connection with their parents is not going to just randomly run away. There's more facts here not being disclosed. If there's a bad connection, both sides are to blame, not just the child.
- Did you bother talking to her about it? Did you bother asking for details about the guy? Or did you just knee-jerk react and start taking her stuff?
- Was any of the stuff he sent her inappropriate? If not, what are you basing your fear on? Likely the media...no proof that he's anything but a nice guy in a different area.
- Do you have any proof that she didn't lie to him about her age?
- Assuming this relationship lasted more than a month how is it possible you don't know about it? Do you just let her get on the computer and phone and not pay attention to what she's doing?
In my opinion, there are two sides to something like this. There were a lot of missing parental controls here.
I'm 23 and I wouldn't even think of dating a 16 year old :-/ Way too young.
Not that I would, I love my girlfriend (23) more than anything in the world!
I'm 23 and I wouldn't even think of dating a 16 year old :-/ Way too young.
Not that I would, I love my girlfriend (23) more than anything in the world!
You're you. Others are different. Again, she might have lied on her age.
Alternately, some 16 year old girls I've encountered are more mature than some 20-something year olds. That's another consideration.
Point being: You can't judge him by their ages. People are people. There's no way to tell what transpired in their conversation. Ultimately, all a parent can do is...well, parent the child. That means proper policing of their activities. You can trust a child and still lock stuff down for their protection.
In my opinion, you have a perfectly good reason to be terrified for your daughter. I'm seventeen, and a girl. I have internet friends that range from all ages, and I've met a few of them too. But I've done it safely; by bringing along an adult or a male friend.
One of my good friends got involved with a guy online and she tried to do the same exact thing your daughter did. We were fifteen at the time. The guy said he was twenty-two, and his name was Seth. He even sent her pictures! And of course, you know, if someone sends you a picture they've got to be legit, right? Wrong. She ran away and took a bus three states over to meet this guy halfway and if her brother hadn't of gone though her computer and drove all day and night to beat her there who knows what would have happened? But her obsession and need to meet and "be" with this guy didn't stop there. So finally her father sat her down and made a compromise. He went with her to meet Seth, but Seth didn't know Dad was going. Well, "Seth" turned out to be some forty year old creep who was using his neighbor kid's photos as his own.
So yes, you do have a right to be concerned and you were lucky. But unless you prove that this man isn't a twenty-four year old with good intentions, she isn't going to stop.
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