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Or stop hanging out with friends who don’t have any? In our mid 40’s and most people have kids. It seems like they just don’t want to get together with us anymore. Yes I know it’s hard to plan when you have kids but they get babysitters and go out with others who have kids. Is this common?
Try being a single woman with no kids! You're dropped like a hot potato once a "friend" gets in a relationship, married or have children.
I once was discussing this phenomena with another single coworker with no kids. She often texted me every day, always chatty. Once she entered in a relationship, never heard from her ever again. Did the exact thing that we had discussed and were befuddled by. Same story with people who have children.
It makes me wonder if people are just really shallow and only wants acquaintances to fill their time until they get married and have kids. Then you are of no use, unless in the same exact life circumstance and somehow can be used in a new role (ie. children's playdates, discussing child related issues, etc...).
Not really. Having kids basically reset us as a couple. The things that are important to us have changed, as have our experiences and lives. We would rather talk about recent happenings, most revolving around children. Hanging out with childless friends isn't as fun as hanging out with friends with children, and our time is much more restricted due to the needs of the kids.
This isn't a new issue. It is to be expected. If you have lost friends to parenthood, or they've become more distant, it's best to accept it and look for new ones, just like they have.
That said, if it is important to you to maintain those relationships, you can, just be prepared to take the initiative in planning get-togethers that include their children. If you view someone's kids as an obstacle to your relationship, it's time to be honest with yourself and recognize that the friendship is at an end.
I got a slew of "how have you been" notes from former friends who had kids, after years of silence, when the youngest kid finished high school. You either accept it or you don't.
Or stop hanging out with friends who don’t have any? In our mid 40’s and most people have kids. It seems like they just don’t want to get together with us anymore. Yes I know it’s hard to plan when you have kids but they get babysitters and go out with others who have kids. Is this common?
I don't have kids and I've lost a fair amount of my friends who do have kids. But to be fair, by this age I've also lost a fair amount of friends who also don't have kids.
People are a lot more sure of themselves in their 40s and get bored/annoyed quickly with people who don't interest them.
Plus, people like my sister, who is 'forced' to stay in touch with me ... her life absolutely revolves around her kids. I think it would be different if she didn't have to slave so many hours at work. But she does, so she wants to spend every moment with her kids. That makes some sense to me.
I'm in my 40's with teens and have some very good friends who never had kids and never will. I think the why is multi-faceted. When your kids are little, your social life sort of revolves around them. They have to be factored in either by joining you or by you having to decide if this outing is worth paying a sitter for. Parents may get a sense, or even just assume that child free people don't want to do activities that involve kids. In my case, the childless friends I have now came to me when my kids were old enough to be left alone so my social life no longer revolved around them. It is also nice to bond with people over something other than having kids the same age.
I'm in my 40's with teens and have some very good friends who never had kids and never will. I think the why is multi-faceted. When your kids are little, your social life sort of revolves around them. They have to be factored in either by joining you or by you having to decide if this outing is worth paying a sitter for. Parents may get a sense, or even just assume that child free people don't want to do activities that involve kids. In my case, the childless friends I have now came to me when my kids were old enough to be left alone so my social life no longer revolved around them. It is also nice to bond with people over something other than having kids the same age.
As a childless woman of the same age, I've found what you're saying to be true even though I was never excluded by my friends who have children. When the kids were smaller, while we'd still do things together (usually with the kids and occasionally without), our friendship(s) took a bit of a backseat to newer friendships that had been made with other parents going through the same season of life with the similar joys and challenges that go along with having young children (and in some cases, single parenthood). It sometimes bothered me a bit, but at the same time I well understood that my friends needed to have other friends who were in that same season with whom to commiserate and bond.
Now that the children are older, while the kids are still often along for the ride or visit, there are more opportunities for socialization that don't involve or revolve around the kids. More to the point, a few of my longtime friends like to come to my house for a few days of child and spouse-free rest and relaxation even though both kids and spouse are always welcome to come along.
I've also seen similar scenarios play out with other childless/childfree family members and friends (both female and male), so I don't think that my experience is that unusual. I think that the common denominator between all of us on the non-parent end of things is that we all *like* children, relate well to them, and don't mind if social activities and conversations revolve around them to a fair extent.
All my lady friends have kids, except me.
But, the kids are all grown now, and they still need their female friendships. Most of their husbands are still working, getting ready to retire, or are already there.
Now, we meet for breakfast using the senior's menu lol, and discuss all our health issues.
Sometimes, we even still discuss our old boyfriends and husbands. Living and deceased.
A co worker is child less. She validates consistently that her maternal clock was stymied and didn't rejuvenate at anytime in adulthood. She is quesy around kids. It's rather funny to watch her fake nice to kids.
I find her fascinating though. She is independent.
This reminds me of something I read once that made me smile. A woman said that when she got pregnant, she pictured her life as it was, just with a child in it, but she quickly found out that the child became her life. That's how it works most of the time, but nobody realizes that's what's going to happen until the the child is actually THERE.
I have a close friend who was an only child, didn't like children, couldn't distinguish her best friend's child from other babies, once at a Christening tripped over the baby who was in her little sleep-box thing on the floor and spilled beer on her, and while when gingerly holding her friend's baby and the baby farted, promptly held the baby away from her body and said, "Somebody please take this."
Then she got married and had her own kid, and when the baby was about a month old, her husband said, "I adore our daughter, but I will always love you more", and she told me, "I couldn't return the sentiment. I would kill him for her if I had to."
That's the reason it happens. It's got nothing to do with your friendship. It's something that kicks in for the majority of healthy people when they become a parent, and it's not a choice.
Later, as the child or children become more independent, the parents, again, if they are emotionally healthy, begin to step back from the protective parent role to some degree and can pay more attention to relationships that may have been put on the back burner, should the friends still be around, or in touch.
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