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I am from Korea but work with English-speaking students and I will try my best. I will refer to my son by birth name nickname instead of pronouns because I'm not sure. I would like advice to understand how gender works and what the difference is. I know interests aren't the same as gender, and anyone can like things that are targeted for any gender no matter what the gender. I used to be borderline avoidant because I didn't understand, I mostly went along with whatever my husband and family believed until Ji was a child. Now my husband is not here and it is only myself and my Omma caring for Ji. I want to understand and would like advice to help my Omma understand. I would like to know how to support this so we can protect my Ji.
A background: *From early as toilet training, sometimes bathing, Ji had bad anxiety even to holding urine until 8 to 10 years. I am not sure If this is related. Ji has always had a natural masculine side, and Ji would most often feel comfortable with boy or gender neutral toys, but it was often feeling as if I had a daughter who liked boys toys. When Ji was a child, Ji would often have to suppress so many things because it was not masculine. Ji would get anxiety when being in a group of boys and felt they never fit in with camps or places designed for boys. Ji really loved to wait until my husband was not home to be able to play with the dolls and girls toys that I had saved from my childhood. Ji loved having makeup done, wanted to play with my clothes or a female friend's dress up clothes. Ji always compared themselves to me or female characters despite having so many very successful male family members and role models.*
*Later Ji worked as a trainee, which involved wearing whatever the agency gave them and following cultural guidelines. It's normal for boy trainees and models to wear makeup so I am not sure what will count but Ji very much enjoyed making makeup and beauty tutorials, it was so natural for Ji. All interests came clearly.*
Ji is 25 now. Ji is fully dependent on me after the accident caused brain damage. Ji was rendered between a mental age of 3 months to a year. At the time of the accident, I took any old clothes of Ji that were not of the job and they are men's clothes or neutral gender. My husband before he went to jail bought new men's clothes for Ji. Ji didn't care at the time because it was just resting and eating.
Now Ji is making a lot of recovery that allows better expression. Ji is still mostly nonverbal and sign language is not possible. I am not sure the extent of what Ji can understand but Ji is very responsive to somethings. Ji's more interested or stimulated by toys or things that are purple or pink or hello Kitty and other interests, mostly feminine or neutral. Ji does not understand being hungry so we feed Ji. Hello Kitty spoon works, my Omma has no problem using it at home because of how well ji takes to it but let Ji go hungry in public instead of using Kitty. Ji has medical eating problems and I am using sippy cups to help Ji want to feed themself. There are better results with cups marketed for girls along with other therapy toys for girls. We pick clothing and dress Ji and usually what we pick is fine but that is more likely to happen with an outfit that is neutral or favorite colors. Ji has begun to sometimes resist when we dress them and I have noticed Ji is most uncomfortable in clothes that are specifically men's. One day my Omma put Ji in a suit and Ji resisted and I said to not worry about it and find something more neutral, but she explained to me that I am overthinking this and it is simply that Ji did not like the hassle of suit.
Many situations she says I am overthinking that and often I believe her and often I don't. Sometimes I allow some toys or shirts to be worn in public when my Omma is not around but she will not let him have any of it in public because she does not want Ji to be seen like that. She approved some more feminine gender-neutral interests but the only time she will get Ji a meal or toy for a girl is If there was no other option. If I am playing with Ji and it is a girl's toy, she will redirect. I am planning to buy a new stroller and there is a pink option, I will definitely be getting the pink once money is figured however my Omma handles a lot of the budget and contributes money and she told me that this girl's stroller will be on my terms. She's not insulting, she seems lost. I want to believe she does have good intention. I'm honestly.beginning to get concerned myself the more Ji wants to take girl toys in the shopping trolley or in the stroller in public, I do not know how things will work out for Ji's dignity if there were girl clothes and girl toys. I would like some reassurance and tips.
I myself am lost. I want to support the best I can, I want everyone to be happy. I do not know how to support this or go forward. The lack of understanding from Ji and lack of communication makes it difficult. I do not want to make assumptions and put them in a spot but I do not want to avoid what is going on.
Well, it seems to me, when you're out in public, can't you have maybe a mix of girl and boy toys? If one doesn't seem to make him happy, try the other?
I feel that in this situation, your best bet is to flow like water to whatever solution makes your Ji most cooperative, comfortable and happy. We are talking about a disabled person who will live with big challenges far beyond a gender identity. And the pain of your family having to adapt to caring for them, maybe for life. You do have to look for clues of what makes them feel better or worse, as well as you can. Don't make anything into a battle trying to push something on Ji that they are going to fight against in some way. Don't set you or them up for more stress.
And if anyone has a problem with the color of Ji's clothes or spoon or cup, all you have to say is, "It makes Ji happy." With such a hard situation, any little thing that brings Ji any happiness, I think you should just embrace, to make life easier if you can.
Ji is a biological male who apparently prefers things that our culture has deemed to be feminine. To be honest, given the challenges that he is facing, and that you and your Omma are facing in taking care of him, what color clothes and sippy cups he prefers are the very least of your worries. It simply does not matter. If Ji is at the mental age of a young child, then using items intended for young children is appropriate. This would include a Hello Kitty spoon. I think it is cruel of your Omma to make Ji go hungry in public rather than use that spoon.
I hope that you and your Omma can have a long, open discussion about how the two of you can best work together to take care of Ji. But ultimately, as his mother, you are Ji's primary caregiver. Your opinion must take priority over your Omma's, because Ji is your son and not hers.
You have a long, hard road ahead of you. May God give you the strength to persevere.
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