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Would a pool cover satisfy her? I would think it would be cheaper, and certainly less visually obtrusive. Added bonus, it'll help keep leaves out of the pool.
I know people that have added this type of fence to the pool perimeter. They aren't terribly expensive, and homeowner's insurance gave them a break when they added it. https://allsafepool.com/swimming-pool-fences/
Of course, she may come up with more demands if you agree to this one, but until the custody agreement is worked out, I think you need to be patient.
These are questions I have as a grandmother, but I would like input from today's young parents. My DIL has always seemed overboard in her rules for her and my son's children (now ages 1 and 3), but I have always gone along with her preferences and never once complained.....until recently.
She and my son are going through a divorce and ugly child custody battle, and she is piling on the rules. This week she announced that the children can no longer come to our house at all, unless we install a fence around our inground pool (our back yard is fenced, but she wants another fence directly around the pool). She also said she wants door alarms on all exterior doors (which we already have, and she knows that). The four of them have been coming to our house for years without incident, so this feels vindictive. Through the years, the kids have rarely been at our house for more than 2 hours a week (for Sunday dinner), so her expecting us to invest thousands of dollars on a fence seems presumptuous and unreasonable. We have our eyes on the kids CONSTANTLY (more on that below) plus the door would alarm if they opened one.
Ever since they separated, whenever the kids have come here with my son (without her), she insisted that one adult be assigned to each child at all times, and the child must always be in that adult's line of sight (ok, I get it, the kids are young...but does she really need to send a note stating this?) She recently (prior to the entire ban on visits unless we get a fence) sent a photocopy page of how to childproof a home, and she handwrote "keep grapes and knives on countertop.") I raised 3 kids, my husband raised 4. Zero fatalities.
She has never once let us babysit (her own family members have).
When my entire family was here for the 4th of July weekend, she would not let the children spend the night because we do not have a crib for the 3 year old (we had an air mattress or floor space in a room with my son). Most 3 year olds aren't still sleeping in a crib at all, let alone a special occasion at Grandma's house. Right?
In the past she has texted me lists with links to Amazon of things she wanted me to buy to have at the house, like a specific Pack and Play, booster seat, baby fencing, and other things. Geez, I never demanded my parents or inlaws buy certain things. I brought them when I visited! But I dutifully bought most of the things she wanted us to have here.
My husband (my son's stepfather) thinks DIL is treating us disrespectfully and cruelly, like we are irresponsible children. I've tried to remain cordial with her for my son's sake, but all of this has really caused me and my husband a lot of stress and heartache.
Is she being over the top? (believe me, there are MANY more examples I could give). I am starting to suspect post-partum mental illness, because she was a wonderful woman prior to having children.
Perhaps she is fearful of your son gaining custody and, thus, more hours with grandparents without her supervision. Yes, she does seem anxiety ridden but I don't think she is necessarily being vindictive.
Do agree about the fence around the pool or a locked cover over the pool.
These are questions I have as a grandmother, but I would like input from today's young parents. My DIL has always seemed overboard in her rules for her and my son's children (now ages 1 and 3), but I have always gone along with her preferences and never once complained.....until recently.
She and my son are going through a divorce and ugly child custody battle, and she is piling on the rules. This week she announced that the children can no longer come to our house at all, unless we install a fence around our inground pool (our back yard is fenced, but she wants another fence directly around the pool). She also said she wants door alarms on all exterior doors (which we already have, and she knows that). The four of them have been coming to our house for years without incident, so this feels vindictive. Through the years, the kids have rarely been at our house for more than 2 hours a week (for Sunday dinner), so her expecting us to invest thousands of dollars on a fence seems presumptuous and unreasonable. We have our eyes on the kids CONSTANTLY (more on that below) plus the door would alarm if they opened one.
Ever since they separated, whenever the kids have come here with my son (without her), she insisted that one adult be assigned to each child at all times, and the child must always be in that adult's line of sight (ok, I get it, the kids are young...but does she really need to send a note stating this?) She recently (prior to the entire ban on visits unless we get a fence) sent a photocopy page of how to childproof a home, and she handwrote "keep grapes and knives on countertop.") I raised 3 kids, my husband raised 4. Zero fatalities.
She has never once let us babysit (her own family members have).
When my entire family was here for the 4th of July weekend, she would not let the children spend the night because we do not have a crib for the 3 year old (we had an air mattress or floor space in a room with my son). Most 3 year olds aren't still sleeping in a crib at all, let alone a special occasion at Grandma's house. Right?
In the past she has texted me lists with links to Amazon of things she wanted me to buy to have at the house, like a specific Pack and Play, booster seat, baby fencing, and other things. Geez, I never demanded my parents or inlaws buy certain things. I brought them when I visited! But I dutifully bought most of the things she wanted us to have here.
My husband (my son's stepfather) thinks DIL is treating us disrespectfully and cruelly, like we are irresponsible children. I've tried to remain cordial with her for my son's sake, but all of this has really caused me and my husband a lot of stress and heartache.
Is she being over the top? (believe me, there are MANY more examples I could give). I am starting to suspect post-partum mental illness, because she was a wonderful woman prior to having children.
The fence around the pool is likely a legal thing. Otherwise she sounds like a *****.
Is there a possibility she is attempting to vindicate herself in the divorce action by indirectly blaming you for what she may be characterizing as 'your son's' poor parenting/partner skills??
The timing and didactic presentation of all these uncompromising instructions, suggest there is something else going on here - in addition to 'helicopter parenting.'
It seems like the most obvious solution to her 'double-fence pool concern,' is to simply keep the 1 and 3-year old inside, away from the pool, unless they are accompanied by an adult (which should be the case anyway).
Is keeping the door to the pool area locked when the kids visit a simple resolution?
Going through a divorce with two young children is probably stressful so maybe it would be wise to just back off for the time and give her a chance to find her new footing. She seems to be fear biting and using the kids as her only bargaining chip. She wants you know who is pulling the strings. Also, she will eventually find a new husband and you may not play the roll you would like in the future. Likewise, your son will remarry and have new kids so everything is getting reshuffled and you can't do anything about it. Take care of yourself and your husband first and let them solve their own problems. Don't live your life through anyone else.
I'm not a grandmother (wish I was) but I am of grandmother age. If I had grandchildren who spent time at my house I would put a fence up around the pool without being asked. The fence around the perimeter of your property is irrelevant to the immediate and very real danger to two toddlers of an unfenced pool.
By spelling things out she's making her expectations regarding the care of her children clear. I think that's a very smart thing to do. This is a terribly difficult time for all involved and if I were in your shoes, I would do what I could to ease her worries about her children when they are out of her sight. I don't see her requests as personal affronts to you and your husband. Speculating about mental illness can't help.
I've lived in Arizona, Nevada and Florida and raised our two kids in AZ and NV. Fences around pools are very common when there are young children in the family. I also remember reading about tragedies that occurred in pools when kids where visiting the grandparents.
You don't think a hand-written note telling me to keep knives on the countertop is an "affront"??? (And no, we have never had a knife within my grandchildren's reach). Or how about the fact that we have never been allowed to babysit? Our history as parents and human beings is impeccable.
Regarding speculating about her mental illness, I'm not really speculating. I know she has been diagnosed with anxiety and treated with meds (I don't know if she is currently on meds). And it was my own therapist who suggested post-partum issues, because she became a different person after their second child was born. Right before he was born, DIL told me how blissfully happy she was with my son; she wrote him a beautiful love note inside his birthday card (baby #2 came on my son's birthday) saying there was nothing in the world she wouldn't do for him, and other sweet things. Two weeks later (two weeks after the baby was born), she took both kids and moved in with her mother, and has said and done numerous baffling things ever since.
I had honestly never heard of a perimeter pool fence until she suggested it, but it seems to have unanimous support here. So maybe that part is not unreasonable.
Your post made me cry. I hope hope hope you work this out.
PLEASE PLEASE see that escalating this issue at a time when everyone's emotions are running so high will have a PERMANENT effect on your relationship w/ your grandchildren for the rest of your lives!
THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH WHETHER YOU ARE IN THE RIGHT!
You can either bask in your 100% rightness and never see your grandchildren OR
you can do everything in your power to de-escalate this situation.
My 1st marriage was horrible. My children ended up with almost no relationship w/ their father's parents which was a HUGE loss for my children and my ex's parents.
I never really knew why my ex's parents got so odd. I only found out at my youngest's high school graduation that the whole situation was preventable which was 20 years too late. Don't let that happen to you!
You might not realize it but your perceptions of your DIL are being greatly influenced by everything that your son is telling you. Given that he is going through significant emotional trauma, his perceptions may have nothing to do with reality.
From everything that my ex was telling his parents, they came to the conclusion that I was crazy and was an actual danger to my children. I didn't know they thought that. I just thought they were acting so odd, that yes, I worried about my children's safety w/ them. It reached a point, where we didn't speak anymore.
If you don't want to get a fence. Fine. Can't you see the grandchildren at your son's house, Chucky Cheese, the park? Just so, everyone has a chance to take a step back. Take a breath.
The bottom line, when the children are with your son, your DIL does not get to dictate where he can take them or what safety measures are in place. During your son's time, the children are allowed at your house w/o cribs or fences if your son is fine w/ it.
However, given that safety barriers are required in 38 states and are recommended by the CDC, if she brings it up in court, my assumption is that a judge would require the fence around the pool but probably only if the children were going to be left at your home without the direct supervision of their father.
Please know that court is not anyone's friend and is never the answer. My ex basked in his rightness, refused to compromise and lost joint custody. My ex-in-laws and children lost out on a relationship with each other.
Last edited by MerryDay; 07-26-2021 at 10:30 AM..
Reason: .
Her kids, her rules. If you want to see the kids, comply. Many times after a divorce the grandparents lose contact with the grandkids altogether.
Quote:
Originally Posted by kayanne
These are questions I have as a grandmother, but I would like input from today's young parents. My DIL has always seemed overboard in her rules for her and my son's children (now ages 1 and 3), but I have always gone along with her preferences and never once complained.....until recently.
She and my son are going through a divorce and ugly child custody battle, and she is piling on the rules. This week she announced that the children can no longer come to our house at all, unless we install a fence around our inground pool (our back yard is fenced, but she wants another fence directly around the pool). She also said she wants door alarms on all exterior doors (which we already have, and she knows that). The four of them have been coming to our house for years without incident, so this feels vindictive. Through the years, the kids have rarely been at our house for more than 2 hours a week (for Sunday dinner), so her expecting us to invest thousands of dollars on a fence seems presumptuous and unreasonable. We have our eyes on the kids CONSTANTLY (more on that below) plus the door would alarm if they opened one.
Ever since they separated, whenever the kids have come here with my son (without her), she insisted that one adult be assigned to each child at all times, and the child must always be in that adult's line of sight (ok, I get it, the kids are young...but does she really need to send a note stating this?) She recently (prior to the entire ban on visits unless we get a fence) sent a photocopy page of how to childproof a home, and she handwrote "keep grapes and knives on countertop.") I raised 3 kids, my husband raised 4. Zero fatalities.
She has never once let us babysit (her own family members have).
When my entire family was here for the 4th of July weekend, she would not let the children spend the night because we do not have a crib for the 3 year old (we had an air mattress or floor space in a room with my son). Most 3 year olds aren't still sleeping in a crib at all, let alone a special occasion at Grandma's house. Right?
In the past she has texted me lists with links to Amazon of things she wanted me to buy to have at the house, like a specific Pack and Play, booster seat, baby fencing, and other things. Geez, I never demanded my parents or inlaws buy certain things. I brought them when I visited! But I dutifully bought most of the things she wanted us to have here.
My husband (my son's stepfather) thinks DIL is treating us disrespectfully and cruelly, like we are irresponsible children. I've tried to remain cordial with her for my son's sake, but all of this has really caused me and my husband a lot of stress and heartache.
Is she being over the top? (believe me, there are MANY more examples I could give). I am starting to suspect post-partum mental illness, because she was a wonderful woman prior to having children.
Is keeping the door to the pool area locked when the kids visit a simple resolution?
<snip>
Every exterior door has been kept locked whenever the grandchildren have been here, and a very loud alarm would go off if a door was opened. In other words, there's no way one of the kids could get outside at all, let alone unnoticed.
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Response From The Daughter-In-Law
