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She's going through a difficult time. She is feeling anxious about the fact that she will be separated from her very small children for extended periods of time, from now on, and is feeling out of control. All the letters and rules seem vindictive to you, but I suspect they are coming from a place of unhappiness and anxiety.
I think the best thing you can do at this point is suck it up and assure her that you will follow all of her rules to keep her babies safe.
I agree.
Quote:
Originally Posted by saibot
A rule about keeping grapes and knives on the counter...of COURSE you would and it's insulting to suggest otherwise (what grandparent would put grapes or knives on the floor?), but this is where you just peaceably agree to follow the instructions.
(snip).
Well, while I certainly do not put grapes and knives on the floor, I know several grandparents (including me) who sometimes cut vegetables on the table because either their kitchen is too small for two people cooking at the same time or they have difficulty standing at the counter for long periods of time. I also know several grandparents (including me) who enjoy grapes as a snack and may be eating grapes from a bowl sitting next to them on the table or end table. Obviously, those could be hazards for an impulsive, three year old unless you were vigilant.
I wonder there is "more to this story". In addition, to mom's anxious feeling about the upcoming divorce, could there be other things? Maybe, one of her friends or relatives had difficulty with grandparents who used, old unsafe baby furniture or baby items such as car seats. Or, her ex-husband jokingly shared every little parenting goof-up that he remembers about his childhood, perhaps even embellishing them a bit for comic effects. Or, her parents are pushing for all those restrictions and rules because they are jealous about having to share their grandchild with the "other grandparents". Or, any number of things.
IMHO, just relax, take a deep breath and patiently wait it out. I bet that your grandchildren's mom will "loosen up" on the rules and restrictions as her children get older.
Last edited by germaine2626; 07-26-2021 at 05:15 PM..
Yes, I'm surprised someone with a pool has never heard of this. I don't even have a pool, but know pool areas (not just the entire yard) should be enclosed with a fence.
Drowning is the leading cause of death in children ages 1-4. Even if one of the children gets out, and someone is quickly able to rescue the child before they die, there is still a risk of permanent brain damage. The alarms on the door are not going to prevent a child from getting into the pool.
According to the CDC:
A four-sided isolation fence which separates the pool area from the house and yard reduces a child’s risk of drowning by 83% compared to three-sided property-line fencing (which encloses the entire yard, but does not separate the pool from the house).
Most drownings happen in home swimming pools among children ages 1–4.
Olympian Bode Miller's daughter died from a pool drowning just a few years ago. She was pulled out of the water alive, but had too much brain damage to survive. They were at a friend's house who's pool did not have a fence. A fence would have saved her life.
Emphasis mine. If I was an already anxious parent facing what will become an entire childhood of routine separation from my children, a potential caregiver for my child who did not have what would widely be considered basic pool safety knowledge would almost certainly spark greater scrutiny for every aspect of the home. If someone not only does not have a fence around a pool where small children are present and, even worse, seems to be surprised at this basic level of safety, I probably would also wonder if they knew not to have grapes within grabby hand distance and would be worried if they would remember to keep knives away from surfaces a small child could reach. Doesn't necessarily make it rational.
I'll also add that my parents claim to have no idea why they are not allowed to be alone with their grandchildren. My mom is even currently a nanny responsible for other children. In our case - and not at all saying this is the OP's case - there are very good reasons that have been belabored with them at length. I still bet they'd pass a lie detector test in saying that it was never discussed with them, but that's part of why they only get limited, supervised visits and a big sigh of relief from the parents of my generation that they currently live 1000 miles away.
Yes, I'm surprised someone with a pool has never heard of this. I don't even have a pool, but know pool areas (not just the entire yard) should be enclosed with a fence.
Drowning is the leading cause of death in children ages 1-4. Even if one of the children gets out, and someone is quickly able to rescue the child before they die, there is still a risk of permanent brain damage. The alarms on the door are not going to prevent a child from getting into the pool.
I too was surprised that they had never heard of this.
Additional pool security and door alarms (sounds like you already have the alarms) are very reasonable requests.
My in-laws didn't want to reinstall a fence they had around their pool after my son was born. Their backyard was fenced off and the sliding glass doors were too heavy for a child to open, which is why they took down that fence after they got those doors. My son wasn't allowed to be in their backyard unless he was under direct supervision. During Thanksgiving when he was almost 4, he was playing with his grandfather in the backyard. Warmer day, but he was wearing heavy clothes, no jacket. I think the dog took his toy and he ran after the dog. His grandfather was close behind. I heard the commotion and just got outside by the pool to see my son trip and fall head first into a very cold pool. My son knew some basic swimming & was able to keep his head above water and didn't panic. His grandfather laid belly down by the edge of the pool, grabbed him by the back of his overalls and then rolled over onto his back pulling my son out of the water and onto his stomach. I had reached them by that point and grabbed him and rushed him into the house. He was very cold and scared, but otherwise OK. This story could have turned out much differently. My in-laws installed a retractable pool cover over their pool after that because they didn't want to risk that again. I think the pool cover has paid for itself between lowering their insurance and keeping stuff out of the pool to where they no longer needed to hire out pool cleaning.
A few years later, a former coworker of mine had his daughter and grandson visiting. I think he and his wife were both at work when his daughter had put her 3 y.o. son down for a nap on a bed. She ended up deciding to take a quick nap on the couch. She woke up and couldn't find her son. They learned after the fact that her son had figured out how to unlatch, open and close a screen door. The door alarm didn't go off because they had the sliding glass door open to let in a breeze. They also learned he was able to climb up the ladder to their above ground pool and that children drown very quietly. The boy's father sued his ex-in-laws and won for wrongful death. Their insurance didn't cover much of that because they failed to properly secure their pool. They lost their only grandchild and a good deal of their life savings.
What you have will reduce the risk of feral neighborhood kids from drowning in your pool. It won't protect your grandkids. Don't take the risk, it isn't worth it. As some else pointed out, thanks to better carseat technology, drownings are the number one cause of injury death for children ages 1-4 according to the CDC.
Children do drown in pools that are open to the rest of the backyard/patio and the back of the house. This is not a safe setup. If it's at all possible, please consider getting a hard pool cover, the kind that can be pulled shut and locked. AND a fence around the pool itself. People I knew who had a pool and young children always had this setup, in each home they lived in that had a pool. The pool was something they opened up when they used it, and then closed. If they had a pool party, they hired a lifeguard.
Door alarms are useless. People become inured to the sound of the alarm when the door is opened, because they live with it. And the alarm doesn't prevent the toddler from getting into the pool. The cover and the fence do.
Honestly, I think she's right about this, regarding the pool. Even the fence and the cover wouldn't protect the kids from drowning during a family gathering. She's right about needing to have one person on each toddler non-stop whenever the pool is open (assuming you go ahead and do the right thing and get the hard, lockable cover, if it's at all possible). The crib issue for the 3 yr old might have been her way of trying to prevent him from getting out and getting into that pool during the night. Of course, any 3 yr old worth keeping can climb out of a crib! And I guarantee you, if I had been visiting a house with a setup like that when I was 3, I would have gotten up in the middle of the night and snuck into the pool. It's really that attractive to a little kid.
Honestly, the best thing you can do is to visit the kids at your son's right now, and also buy the 3 yr old daily private swim lessons for the rest of the summer, and facilitate him getting to the lessons. If you can take him to a community pool to practice swimming frequently, that would be a great thing, too. The sooner your grandkids are good swimmers, the safer they will be. Your soon to be ex DIL might be very grateful to see that you are doing everything possible to make her children competent swimmers.
Our kids grew up spending their summers in a waterfront community. We considered it a race against time to get them to be extremely good swimmers as early as possible, what with all the time they were at the beach and out on boats. We belonged to a community pool (indoor and outdoor) all year round, and took them to the pool very frequently year round. We put them in swim lessons starting at about age 3. They were all competent swimmers by age 5. As soon as they could swim one lap of crawl, we put them on swim team. One season of swim team is enough to make a kid a decent swimmer. The whole process was not cheap, and it took a lot of effort on our part, to take them to the pool so much. But they all were excellent swimmers by age 6, and we could stop worrying that they were going to drown.
But yeah, she does sound very controlling. And that business about expecting you to buy duplicates of all the baby gear to keep at your house is pretty obnoxious. Your son is likely to get the kids 50% of the time, so you can look forward to seeing them every other weekend in the future, especially during pool season!
Neighbors had a pool on their lanai with a gate that went around it and kept the dog out of the water (dogs can drown if they dont know where the steps are) as well as their grandchild, who came along later. I dont think it was expensive and was a wonderful investment (not to give false security but it would deter a child or dog a bit as long as they were being monitored by a responsible person). Personally I wouldnt have a pool w/o it, it's an excellent investment. I remember the story of Bode Miller's little girl, it was so sad and apparently happened very fast when the adults there were distracted (obviously)
She is obviously very anxious and fearful for her children's safety and imagining all sorts of possible disasters.
I agree with others that the pool is a real hazard. But buying duplicate toys is just silly. Many of us brought up kids without something called a Pack N Play, for pete's sake
Thanks for your thoughts. A few more of mine:
I have lived a lot of places, and I have never seen any pool with this type of fence. It's apparently not common in the 8 different states, and even more towns, that I have lived in.
She never required a fence when she was here with the kids. But for me, my son, and my husband, we are apparently not as trustworthy as she is to keep them safe.
We offered to hire a certified lifeguard for the couple of hours they would occasionally be here. She also has alarm type of bracelets for the kids. But those are not acceptable options (not sure why she bought them and now won't use them).
It makes me wonder about when they go places like resorts, cruises, other people's homes, etc, with pools. I know these places do not have fences. That is why I said this feels vindictive, like we (me, son, and husband) are not "trustworthy," but she apparently is.
Lastly, I am afraid that if we spent the money on a fence, she'd just come up with another excuse to not them them come here. I really don't think it's about the fence. Which is why I mentioned several different points and my concern about mental illness.
It is very common in the US states we lived and live in. Some municipalities have ordnance governing it.
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