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One of the things I googled is ROGD, rapid onset gender dysphoria. There is a research paper that was written about this phenomenon. It seems that worldwide, there is a huge percentage of girls wanting to be boys. It's a huge uptick from what has been in the past, and for some reason it seems to be mostly girls that this is happening to. A lot of it seems to fit what is going on with my kid as well. There is a lot of info in it, but one of the things it says is that these girls are being influenced by peers and social media.
This whole thing about gender dysphoria sounds a lot like a social contagion, a rapid spread of an idea through a society. Somehow or another, transgender has suddenly become trendy and cool, and anyone who thinks differently is labeled as phobic or a hater. People in positions of responsibility, such as the school counselor, are promoting it. I would guess that your daughter has "caught" this contagion and that's why she's suddenly decided that she's a he.
To my way of thinking, the idea that a biological female is actually a male is a delusion. To be sure, it feels very real to the person involved; but the simple reality of biology refutes it. The following passage from an article on treating people with delusions might be helpful:
Quote:
Simply telling your loved one that they are wrong is not helpful. Delusions feel very real to the person experiencing them, and by simply dismissing them or challenging them you can make him or her retreat and withdraw. Instead, be sensitive while also making sure your loved one realizes that you don’t believe the delusion is real. [Emphasis added.]
You can listen and ask questions, while validating any real part of the delusion. Acknowledge how the delusions make your loved one feel—scared, angry, anxious—and encourage them to talk about these emotions rather than the content of the delusions.
To me, this is of tremendous importance. You do not believe that your daughter is a boy. You can believe that she wants to be one; you can believe that she thinks she is one; but you, yourself, do not believe that she is. Your daughter must understand that, no matter how supportive you will be of her struggles, you will not enter into her delusion.
P.S. If anyone reading this wishes to debate me on transgenderism, please don't. I am offering my opinion, nothing more and nothing less. The OP may do with it as she wishes. And I don't want this to be about differing opinions, but rather how the OP can help herself and help her daughter.
Yes I am also glad to have found this forum. I'm glad to be able to write these things anonymously without too much judgment. It's also nice to be able to write my own real thoughts without being vilified or called a transaphobe. It does clear my head a bit.
Lately I feel like I'm also having mental health problems as well: I'm anxious all the time (but am not usually so), I feel like crying all the time. I get upset just looking at her bedroom or doing her laundry, because it's all so different. It's like she's erased herself and created someone new. I don't like the new kid or want to be around her. I miss my old kid. I feel like I'm playing a game any time I talk to her. I think this gender thing is a fantasy. A delusion. The pro-trans people say that I have to go along with it, or I will be harming her mentally. I see it as the opposite.
No, the counselor met with her the first week of school, but by then all of those changes had already happened. I didn't know it would be harmful. At the time I guess I thought I was being supportive, with the non-permanent changes. I hadn't yet read about social transition leading to medical transition.
I do think that the changes at school did not go as well for her as she expected. She told her therapist she "hates" her hair, and when I offered to take her to get it touched-up, she said she wanted it to grow out and go back to her natural colour. I don't think she is being treated how she thought she would. I wonder if she is re-thinking this. But she is still wanting the school to call her by a boy name, so who knows.
All of this stuff is really frightening. Especially since so much evidence shows that it is a social contagion. An epidemic. I don't know if I said already, but every time I mention this to someone, they either have a daughter that wants to be a boy, or know someone who is going through the same thing.
I'm trying to get her in to see a psychiatrist. The wait list - just to get a call about scheduling - is 6 months. That means, in 6 months, they will call us to schedule an appointment. Pediatric psychiatry is difficult to get in to see. I called a mental health hotline to see if they could recommend another clinic, because I'd be willing to travel anywhere. I did schedule a phone appointment where they are going to be able to make clinic suggestions to me. But the person on the hotline was very pushy about wanting to know my daughter's pronouns, and not accepting that I wanted her to be called "she" unless she asks to be called differently. It was really weird. That's not the kind of clinic I want her to go to. I want her to go to a clinic that will listen to us so we can have a collaborative partnership, not somewhere she can go secretly get testosterone and a breast amputation. These are the things that worried me in the first place, after reading the paper on ROGD. Parents brought their kids to these clinics where kids were encouraged to cut off their parents, call their parents "toxic", etc. They go along with the delusion instead of looking into it. Her main problems are depression and anxiety and seems now a serious mental health problem (maybe a mood disorder or ODD or something), not necessarily the trans thing. I'm afraid that's all they will focus on and won't help her at all.
I have no idea how to find a clinic that would be helpful and won't hurt her more by pushing their ideology. There is so much information out there and I don't know who to believe. Luckily I trust our family doctor and also the therapist she is seeing now. I've been told that I should take her to the emergency room if she acts psychotic again. The only way to have a psych consult is to be admitted though. It seems extreme.
She has repeatedly denied being suicidal (at home, school and in therapy).
I shared your frustration about "pediatric" professionals 15 years ago. There weren't many then when I needed one for my daughter. I had hoped by now that there would be more because it has been badly needed for many years.
My daughter had one therapist that she liked who used to craft or paint with her. I'd never seen that done before. I don't know if it caught on, but for a kid who refused to open up, this woman was awesome.
I don't know what to say. You are between a rock and a hard place, especially now with so much support for these kids to transition when they may not really want to.
Maybe during winter break she can go back using her girl name? Hopefully she can wait that long. I'll be shocked if she admits it before that due to embarrassment.
Here is an update. Not the greatest. Also, can't remember all of what I updated before, so might be some repeats...
First, about the book: I don't mind waiting. I've been reading online and listening to podcasts and interviews. My point about the book was that so many other parents are wondering the same things I am. I was surprised, because it seems like something that should be unusual. The more I talk to people about this, the more it seems that it's an epidemic. Everyone I've shared with either has their own daughter that wants to be a boy or knows someone who has a daughter doing the same.
I did start seeing a counselor myself. Two in fact, because I have access to EAP and that is free over the phone. The counselor I've seen in person is pretty expensive, but worth it. I really like her. It turns out that her clients are mainly teens, which I didn't know when scheduling, but she does see both teens and adults. She confirmed that within the last 5 or so years, there has been a sudden dramatic increase in girls wanting to be boys. I had read this, but she said she has seen it with her own eyes. She believes (like I do) that it is a trend.
We got our daughter the breast binder (doctor said it was OK as long as she only wears it so many hours a day). We got her new clothes, the goth/boy style that she wanted. I took her to get her hair cut and dyed black. She insisted that all of these things happen before school started. I am kicking myself for calling the school counselor prior to school starting. The counselor met with her and offered to change her name and pronouns at school. I know that if I hadn't done that, there is no way she would've taken the initiative and asked for that on her own. Now they are calling her a boy name. We believe that if we hadn't helped her change her appearance, and if the school hadn't talked to her, she wouldn't be going through all of this.
The more I read about this, the more I think it is irresponsible and neglectful of the school to help her socially transition. I think it has harmed her instead of helped her. She is miserable at school, lost all her friends. She is happiest at home and at soccer (her only remaining hobby); both places she is called her real name and is still a girl. Maybe that's just a coincidence or wishful thinking, but they are still facts. I don't think it's the right thing to just blindly accept what these girls are saying without digging a little deeper and putting more thought into it. What I've been reading online about "detransitioners" is really scary and I don't want to see her go down that path. It also seems to be true that when kids are allowed to socially transition, they are more likely to medically transition.
Since school started her behavior and mental state have gone downhill sharply. I'm starting to think she needs meds. I don't think her issues are mainly about the trans thing. I think she has serious mental health problems. Not just depression and anxiety, but actual psychotic illness. (Other update: both her doctor and therapist say she doesn't have an eating disorder, so that is good.)
She has started cutting herself. She did it in class because she was "bored". She initially tried to make up some injury, but eventually told the truth. She did it with a pencil. She told her therapist that it didn't hurt, and she just wanted to see the blood.
She's been stealing things from other kids. Little pins off backpacks and such. She stole a sign off the wall at school. She also stole some small items from a store (though this happened prior to school starting). We were out of town at the time. By the time I found out, we were back home. I think if it had happened around home I would've made her bring the things back to the store. She told her therapist she did it because she likes the thrill when she is bored.
The school called because an anonymous kid reported that she was talking about wanting to stab someone, particularly a family member. When we asked her about this, she was very cold-faced, but also sometimes smiling. She wants to know what it would feel like to put a knife into someone. This is really terrifying and heartbreaking to see.... she is mentally ill. They did find a knife in her backpack and we've had to deal with all that goes with that.
She claims to have "friends" at school, but we don't think this is true. She stopped eating at school because of social anxiety, so they are letting her eat her lunch in a private room. The school counselor is trying to help her.
We did take away her phone. When we give it back we will lock all of her social media apps. We think she is seeing and reading things that are unhealthy and making her worse. Some of the things are anime or manga. I didn't know a lot about this. I thought it was just cartoon comic books. It turned out that almost every single thing she was "reading" was gay (man-man) porn. I googled about this, and apparently the largest consumers of gay porn are straight women? Don't know what to think, particularly with her wanting to be a boy.
We've told her that she can "earn" her phone back with good behaviour. But she is still disobeying us. And it's a weird method of disobeying. For example, both her dad and I will ask her to do something and she will just say "no" and glare at us and then not do it and walk off. Or the opposite, for example, last night she was moving a piece of furniture and we both told her not to, but she ignored us and did it anyway. In the past we would've either talked through that or maybe had an argument. But now I'm not sure arguing is the best method. Her personality is dramatically different, like she is a stranger. I just waited until later and then told her that those behaviours are the things we are looking for when we're deciding to give her back her phone.
This is a kid who, in the past, was always the teacher's pet. She was talkative in school. She had tons of friends. She was happy. She liked everyone. She loved school. She loved animals. She had hobbies. She liked adventures. She's always been responsible and never would've broken a rule on purpose. She was so very kind. She loved hugs. Now she is dark and moody, has no friends, no hobbies, is stealing, cutting herself, homicidal?, won't be touched. I don't think this is just a usual case of a kid wanting to be trans. It's not just her appearance and pronouns; she has changed everything about herself. I know kids go through "discovering" themselves, but this is extreme.
I feel like a very bad parent. The day we found out about her wanting to stab someone, I slept with my bedroom door locked (my husband works nights). I'm afraid she will hurt one of my other kids. Or kill them. Sometimes I wish she just wasn't here. I don't like being in the same room as her. I'm walking on eggshells all the time. Afraid of saying the wrong thing. Afraid at any moment she will lash out. It's like she took my sweet kind beautiful daughter away and replaced her with an ugly demon. I know it is wrong to think these things, and it makes me a bad person, and bad mom. But I am telling the truth about myself and my feelings. I miss my old kid terribly. It's a strange pain, like she's died, or been stolen from us.
Take your daughter out of school and put her in intensive therapy. She can be out-patient or in-patient. She can be local if you have such a place nearby, or she can go to a residential facility for troubled teens in another state. Google it and you will find plenty of places. The school counselor should also be able to recommend local places.
If you cannot afford it, there are solutions.
Frankly I would not have sent her back to school after the counselor initiated the name/pronouns thing and I probably would have started legal action against them. I certainly would not have sent her back after she brought a knife to school.
Your daughter is indeed ill. What exactly she has is not the biggest issue right now. But she is telling you in every way that a mentally ill brain does that she needs help.
You do not have 6 months. She may indeed need meds, and that’s OK. They are not as scary as you might think.
Cutting, while common, is very serious. It will not get better on its own. It always escalates. I don’t want to scare you, but those who self-harm have a much higher rate of suicide attempts. Thank God she denies being suicidal right now.
The knife thing is terrifying. Did the school call CPS? I cannot imagine her staying in your home if you have other children.
Please, I implore you, find an intensive program for your daughter, 6 to 8 weeks long. They will take care of the meds, the therapy, the school work, everything. Please start calling and emailing places today. They can and do work miracles. Counseling once a week for 50 minutes is not fast acting enough. Your daughter needs to be stable before that kind of therapy can work.
If you cannot find this kind of treatment, you need to put her in the hospital.
IMO, focusing on the transgenderism/body dysmorphia is putting a bandaid on a wound that needs stitches. She may be trans, or it may be a manifestation of a different issue. You don’t know. But you are putting your time, energy and money into the wrong area. Your time, money and energy need to go into treatment/therapy programs. Immediately.
Also, it sounds like you are grieving for your lost child. That is totally understandable. I’m glad you have someone to go to for support. May I suggest though that you need to go into mama bear mode in order to save your daughter? Put your game face on and get your daughter into treatment.
Last edited by calgirlinnc; 10-08-2021 at 12:11 PM..
They have started self-harming and made statements about harming others which merits them seeing a psychologist. The appointment doesn't need to be about anything else. What your child chooses to discuss with their doctor is up to them.
With respect, if it’s as bad the OP says, her daughter needs a psychiatrist, not a psychologist.
Also you are not a bad mother for thinking these things. Your daughter has been taken over by an illness. When things get very bad, it might help a little to distinguish the illness from your daughter. It is the illness causing these behaviors.
You know she is sick.
If she had a debilitating disease, cancer, what have you, would you hesitate to put her in the hospital?
Why is this different?
Last edited by calgirlinnc; 10-08-2021 at 04:09 PM..
Sounds like she’s been indoctrinated through liberal tik tok and friends/ school. This is a major problem that this kind of sick stuff is being normalized now. Something is inherently wrong with our society and it needs quelled. God save us.
Location: New Albany, Indiana (Greater Louisville)
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Regardless of opinions on trans youth I think everyone can agree that life as a man or woman or in between doesn't solve all your problems. Life is stressful regardless of your pronouns and being trans doesn't change that. I think many kids are being told by teachers etc that they are unhappy simply because they were born the wrong gender.
Sounds like she’s been indoctrinated through liberal tik tok and friends/ school. This is a major problem that this kind of sick stuff is being normalized now. Something is inherently wrong with our society and it needs quelled. God save us.
Gender transition vs. self harm are two very different things. Failing to recognize this can itself lead to self-harm, by causing a young person to feel that everyone, including their parents, have "turned against them". Once it becomes a downward spiral, it takes a professional to get out of the mess.
OP, I wonder what country you are in (since you use British spellings). It is assumed most of the recommendations for intensive therapy etc (which I agree with) are based on the U.S. system.
Your daughter needs serious mental health treatment-- not due to the gender stuff but the fact that she was speaking openly about stabbing someone "just to see what it would be like."
I feel for you. I am not a parent but I am sure it is hurtful to have your child act with contempt toward you even if she doesn't mean it.
As for the gender exploration, I believe there are people who legitimately feel like they are born in the wrong body, but I do think a significant number of the young women who express these feelings are not doing so authentically.
The "temporary" things like hair etc are no biggie but being called a different pronoun or a boy's name without being mature enough (in mental development) to know whether these are genuine feelings just seems wrong. Because that's a commitment the kid may not be truly ready for.
I don't think you are a bad parent at all, OP. I think you are struggling because this child you have known for 13 years is now someone you don't recognize personality- or value-wise (referring to the stabbing fantasy). That would be hard for anyone.
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