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We have an agreement in our house that if my 18 yr old stepson wants to smoke pot, he has to do it in the garage bc i dont like the smell & it stinks up my house for days. (Now a teen smoking pot when the legal age here is 21 is another issue in itself but not for this thread)
So last wk, husband & I were watching tv when i started to smell the pot again from his room. I told my husband about it & my husband said “we had an agreement that he is to smoke in the garage so he wouldnt be doing it in his room then” … UM NO. He’s a teen. Teens are forgetful & defiant. He WAS doing it.
My husband is the disciplinarian not me (& i do not want to be, plus he’s not my kid) & it took me a while to convince him like hey your son isnt perfect.
Today, kid was late for school (college) & my husband goes “oh classes were prob cAnceled bc of the snow” (it was flurrying, so no) … kid was up all night gaming & then must have fell asleep & was too tired. But my husband wont say it even tho we both know thats what happened.
Drives me nuts. Teens are irresponsible. It’s weird if they arent. Just own the fact that yr kid is a teen. Right?
At 18 he's legally an adult. Still stupid, but an adult.
You don't say how long your are married, but that would have baring on the situation.
Since you do not discipline his son and have no desire to do so, you have to decide if this is the hill you want to die on. Either let it go and save your outrage for something more important or dig your heels in and force a father to acknowledge that his son isn't perfect.
To me, the issue is that the son isn't showing you the respect due his father's wife and in whose house he is living. If there was a true agreement among the three of you that the son would not smoke in the house, that is a reasonable discussion to have. The son should respect the agreement and your husband support you.
I think that if the son agreed to smoke only in the garage that his father should have addressed the issue with his son then and there. And if he's not around then you should address it. Perhaps sonny boy does not realize that you can smell it when his door is closed and is trying to get away with it.
Smoking anything in the house is a hill I would die on, especially as unless the son is ambitious, he could be living under your roof for a long time to come.
Perhaps you and your husband should go to a couple counseling sessions so he can get an unbiased third opinion on what his expectations and actions should be towards his son.
Of course, if you married him knowing his son was an issue, that's on you.
IMO, I think there are some things you CAN be the disciplinarian on. What goes on under your own roof can be one of those things.
If you think you have a good relationship with your stepson, that is, the two of you have GOOD interactions from time to time, you do little niceties for each other from time to time...he knows you have regard for him, and care about his welfare, then it's ok to expect the same thing back, and it's ok to lay down the law, regarding THIS.
And I bet your husband would like to not be put in the middle all the time. (I say that, not to criticize you.) But I bet your husband wouldn't have a problem if you went by the son's bedroom, knocked on the door real loud, and told him to take the pot to the garage, or you'll make him throw it out, or give it to you.
Assuming you do want to keep the relationship with your husband I look it this way. Don't make the focus of the issue whether "his son is perfect or not" but rather "hey it is happening this unacceptable behavior in our home and I'll take matters in my hand if I have to". Because to argue with him whether his son has flaws (he obviously has like the rest of all of us) you might be hitting a sensible area between him and his relationship, in other words you might be positioning yourself in an uphill battle. Better to avoid that argument all together and basically say "hey, this is a fact, this is happening and either you take care of it or I'll do". You'd be surprised how taking action (even small ones) can fix many things around the house.
If you definitely do not want to participate and discipline your step-son, then you need to get involved a neutral third party, that way this third party person will agree with the fact (not opinion) that your husband's son is in fact breaking an agreement between you two and he should take action.
Your husband knows exactly what is going on. He's not stupid. He just doesn't want to be a disciplinarian. It's much easier to pretend he doesn't smell the pot when you point it out and pretend classes must have gotten canceled for a single snowflake when his stoner kid with a video game addiction slept through classes again than to go upstairs and confront his son, which will result in a fight and the kid being angry at him.
Does dad or mom have addiction issues? I would be at least moderately concerned that this 18 year old shows addictive tendencies towards video games. I think you've said before he has no other hobbies, and here you're saying he's staying up all night, and is missing class as a result. Now he's smoking pot, too.
I do want to say, despite staying up all night & gaming, he does go to school (good grades!!) & work & is overall a good, nice kid. I am just not thrilled with the pot bc i hate the smell & also I am concerned who he is getting it from bc you never really know what else could be in … or even if u got it from someone u know, who did they get it from? (Unless they grew it themselves) … the not knowing concerns me. Of course there are legal repercussions too … my state is only legal 21+. I have no idea if he’s doing it elsewhere besides my garage
My husband is the disciplinarian not me (& i do not want to be, plus he’s not my kid) & it took me a while to convince him like hey your son isnt perfect.
Well, yes and no. I assume that he's not your biological offspring. But assuming that the boy was with your husband when you married him, then they were a package deal. And when you became your husband's wife, you also became your husband's son's stepmother, in fact even if not in name. Therefore, you have a moral right to involve yourself in disciplinary actions. And I'll bet your husband would appreciate it if you did, because I'm sure he's tired of always being the one having to deal with whatever issues arise.
My husband is the disciplinarian not me (& i do not want to be, plus he’s not my kid) & it took me a while to convince him like hey your son isnt perfect.
Why or why don't people understand kids are a PACKAGE DEAL when you get married? Period, end of story.
Why or why don't people understand kids are a PACKAGE DEAL when you get married? Period, end of story.
Ok so the kid did not live with us when we got married. That happened after. He was living with mom full time. I didnt know we’d be getting him
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