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call them and talk about. Be candid and tell them that you don't know how the relationship should work now, etc. You're all adults, just talk. Best of luck.
Relationships go both ways.
You can continue to treat them as you always have; they are as much your family as they were last year.
Or you can work to become closer or more distant.
Or you can drop out of their lives forever.
They have those same options. You could discuss it with them, or just see how it all pans out.
Don't the grandkids consider you their grandmother? If so, why would you even consider abandoning that relationship. And I am not talking about gifts. Be a support system for them; give them memories of time with you. I think the on-going relationship should be about them.
Don't the grandkids consider you their grandmother? If so, why would you even consider abandoning that relationship. And I am not talking about gifts. Be a support system for them; give them memories of time with you. I think the on-going relationship should be about them.
I was thinking the same thing. And if they don't, that would primarily be their parents fault. I was actually named after my dad's step-dad (they had a very close relationship) and always thought of him being my "blood" grandfather. I was closer to him than his own blood grandkids (yes, there was some resentment). I have two step-kids (helped raise them from pre-teens) and they say when they have kids, the word "step" won't even be brought up in any conversation if they have anything to do with it. I will be "Pappa".
I was thinking the same thing. And if they don't, that would primarily be their parents fault. I was actually named after my dad's step-dad (they had a very close relationship) and always thought of him being my "blood" grandfather. I was closer to him than his own blood grandkids (yes, there was some resentment). I have two step-kids (helped raise them from pre-teens) and they say when they have kids, the word "step" won't even be brought up in any conversation if they have anything to do with it. I will be "Pappa".
I am in a similar situation as the OP. My siblings and I were all adults when my father married his wife (they are almost married 20 years now). When he passes, I m sure I will maintain a cordial and pleasant relationship; likely nothing more. My siblings, though, will continue to plan holidays and vacations with her. Why? Because they have children who have always known her as Nana, their grandmother. And while she may not be mine or my siblings favorite person; there is no reason to deprive these kids of a good relationship with their grandmother, even if it isn't "blood related". For context, my real mother passed when I was very young, so there isn't a competing grandmother on our side. So, while the kids all know Nana is not our actual mother, she is definitely their grandmother.
How should my relationship continue with them at this point? I don't intend to be with them on holidays, but do I continue gift giving to the grandchildren? The youngest are 13 and 11. Do I visit them from time to time? I don't think we have a legal relationship now, but I don't know how to proceed. They have been family for 25 years, and I really don't want to lose the entire family. I have already lost their dad. They do seem to value me and have offered to help me set their dad's affairs in order.
I am sorry for your unexpected loss.
The bolded (above) is code for "We should get the items and money that belonged to our father." You should be prepared for that, especially if your late husband didn't have a will. As you say, they still have some anger issues.
Thank you all so much for your thoughtful comments.
The graveside service was Monday. It was lovely and exactly what I hoped it would be.
I think the son will be helpful in getting Dad's affairs in order because he is an attorney. His wife is an accountant. She offered to do my taxes. She does that for other family members. We both have/had wills and our affairs are simple and in order, I think. No secrets that need to continue to be hidden. The son and daughter will inherit everything when I die.
They will be back on Monday to hang blackout curtains in the bedroom and will help me put other things to rest, like his phone. My husband did all the technology stuff, so any help now is appreciated. They will also help me decide what to do with cars.
I sense very strongly that they continue to consider me family. I will still probably opt out of major holiday celebrations and will spend them with my brother. That will probably work for them, too. The daughter's husband and I had a brief chat, saying we want to have a conversation about how our relationship will unfold. He and I, especially, have always thought a lot of each other.
Oh, I have a date with the oldest grandson to help me use an expensive restaurant gift card.
So there we are. Thank you, again for your help. An unbelievably difficult time is getting a bit easier.
My husband recently died, very unexpectedly. We had been married for 25 years. His two children were in their 20s when we married.
They have had anger issues with their dad over the years. Some things from their childhood have been healed. Others haven't. They have not been attentive to their dad but have been included us in major holidays and celebrations. We have visited the son and his family a number of times across the country.
How should my relationship continue with them at this point? I don't intend to be with them on holidays, but do I continue gift giving to the grandchildren? The youngest are 13 and 11. Do I visit them from time to time? I don't think we have a legal relationship now, but I don't know how to proceed. They have been family for 25 years, and I really don't want to lose the entire family. I have already lost their dad. They do seem to value me and have offered to help me set their dad's affairs in order.
Does anyone have experience with this? Any suggestions?
Relationships are based on mutual feelings. Gift giving is based on love and nothing more. If you want a relationship with anyone, pursue it. If you do not, that is okay too. If you want to give gifts to the grandchildren, do it, if not, do not. These are really simple things. It sounds to me like you value both of them and their children. If I am correct, I would continue to pursue the relationships. As for the gifts, I have a big family with a bunch of nieces and nephews, many in the 20s and 30s now. I still give gifts to one person, in her 30s. Its how I feel. There is no wrong on feelings.
My late husband died when his grandchildren were toddlers and in elementary school. I have maintained a pretty close relationship with my stepdaughter (who was 7 when we married) but I stepped away from the grandmother role as the grandkids had very involved grandmothers already. I do send graduation and wedding gifts as they each have iconic life passages but no other gifts.
My take:
I loved the boys' father, and since the boys are an extension of him, my love extended to them as well.
It wasn't always easy, but despite our better efforts (from time to time, I suspect), we became friends as well as having the "step" relationship. Our relationships are a treasure to me, and as the family grows (my older step has kids of his own), we enjoy our time together. Bio mom is included in the holiday dinner, and we are on friendly terms.
All of this because of the love of a great man that we all shared, and that was our focus that allowed the relationships to form and remain.
OP, I am so sorry for your sudden loss. Give yourself the time you need to grieve. Sometimes, that means pulling back as your steps walk their grief path as well. Trust that the love you share will lead those paths to intersect, and that your relationships will grow deeper as the years go by.
Wishing you peace during this difficult time.
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