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Good reply. I agree, a lot of kids, typically girls act the same way at that age. I was similar but had 2 siblings who were against me. I think hormones contributed to mine because I grew out of it. I just could not control myself when ganged up on, felt like my nerves were going to jump out of my skin.
One of my kids was also on meds for depression. They were also labeled with ODD (oppositional defiant disorder). They were on many medications because some stopped working, then you have to go through various prescriptions because of side effects.
My suggestion is to look up side effects of the med she is on to see if anything that could explain the behavior is on their such as insomnia. Not going to sleep could be a side effect if she has never had issues falling asleep.
Be careful with meds that are being used "off label" to where they shouldn't be given to kids under 18.
Good input Ruth. I'm like you, normally I would google what DBT stands for, thanks for beating me to it.
I agree that we need more information, especially with that type of diagnosis for that specific therapy.
The OP has not said why the daughter eats the way she does, although I do agree it could be a sensory disorder which a lot of people these days have. My daughter can't eat certain foods that have the same texture, wish I could remember what texture it is.
It seems that a lot of kids her age will only eat "junk food" such as fast food.
OP SAID the daughter probably has AFRID. Seems like to me, that's where therapy needs to be concentrated.
OP, there have been a lot of good suggestions here. I would recommend that you implement NONE of them at this time. Reason being, the burden of enforcing them would fall solely on your wife. And that would be a difficult and unfair burden for her to bear by herself. As long as you are up North, I think you just have to let things slide. But as soon as you go back home, and are there to support your wife, that's when you should start in on these things.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ticking
Hi, I have a few comments.
1. I think you need to come back home quickly. I understand you are taking care of a sick person, yet you have an emergency at YOUR home. If need be, I'd consider bringing sick person with you back to YOUR home.
,
I agree with both of these. You have a "sick" family member in your own home, and what is going on with her now could have long term impacts in how she views herself and her future socialization.
To me this sounds like depression.
This shouldn't be all on your wife to handle. Mothers and daughters have a different dynamic that isn't always productive.
I know you are trying to be a good guy and help the family member while trying to help with your daughter from afar, but if you are also working full time (remotely I suppose) do you really have the capacity to do it all?
Well yeah, it's a psychological thing but this girl LITERALLY can't bring herself to eat many foods. She chokes. She gags, she has anxiety over it. She's LITERALLY malnourished, thus tired, cranky, lacking motivation. She needs help for the AFRID.
Not arguing with you. I think she needs a lot of help.
I think you need to make sure she’s taking her meds and is monitored by the doctor who prescribed it. Assuming that is done, I’d make her earn privileges and take the consequences of her actions.
No phone or video games, no TV.
Set her alarm clock for school, and if she’s late, she suffers the consequences. Explain that if she misses too much, she will probably need to repeat this year. It’s up to her. If she’s not late for school for two weeks, let her have her phone. If she slips, take it back.
Lights out at 10:00pm.
I realize this will be harder on you than her. It will be tough. All the while I would not get angry or be open to negotiations. Stay calm, but firm. In the meantime, you and mom need to keep your sense of humor.
This! She needs to learn that there are consequences for bad behavior.
My 15 year old stepdaughter moved in with us full time and we had some of these behaviors initially. One thing about the food did help. We got her cooking classes because she liked cooking. Allowances in our house were earned by chores. We paid our kids generous allowances but we charted (posted on the fridge) both specific duties and behaviors. The 15 year old was responsible for aspects of the meals….prepared the rice or pasta, set the table, and made simple meals like spaghetti or burgers…sometimes her job was simply to prepare the menu that required balanced meals. Points were also earned for keeping room orderly and having it all cleaned by Sunday…bedding changed, dusting etc. And phone time was also earned.
I took parenting classes. Our kid was also in therapy. She had run away from home ( while living with her mother) and was released from juvenile detention to us. There was often drama, but she did graduate from high school and get a job.
I knew a kid like this. Her parent never imposed consequences; they just ineffectually nagged and complained. "She won't clean up her room." Back then, there were no devices, but there were sleepovers with friends. Don't clean up room? Can't have or go on a sleepover. No need to nag or yell or even say anything. Make the rule and enforce it. Most people - even small children - will do what gets them what they want. Pretty simple, it seems to me? Just find her incentive (sounds like devices might be hers) and use it.
[quote=A New Day;64602239]I agree to make sure her access to electronics is limited, especially at bedtime.
If she is only eating junk food, that means you are providing it for her. It would be a good idea to stop buying it at all so she doesn’t eat it impulsively.
When she leaves wrappers on the couch, what was she doing on there? Watching TV? How many hours of screen time per day does she have?
When she was absent from school, was your wife home or someone else that can account for that time? Typically students don’t miss school over a cold. I’m wondering if that was an excuse to not attend school that day.
When you said you’ve given her everything, have you been overindulgent? She ought to have to do basic chores before being allowed access to her screens. Her own laundry and bathroom would be a good start.
I’m sorry you’re having a difficult time. I know it isn’t always fun having teenagers
Time for some tough love.Don't buy the junk food she eats, don't buy her clothes or trinkets.At her age she should be doing laundry and helping with other chores around the house. If she doesn't and refuses, remove her electronic devicesYes she is acting like a typical teenager but something else seems to be afoot. Kids harassing her, no friends,
The OP has not said why the daughter eats the way she does, although I do agree it could be a sensory disorder which a lot of people these days have. My daughter can't eat certain foods that have the same texture, wish I could remember what texture it is.
It seems that a lot of kids her age will only eat "junk food" such as fast food.
And the unanswered question is: how is she getting the junk food? Why are her parents allowing that? If they allow it because they suspect it could be a sensory issue, they should get her evaluated. The junk food could be playing a role in her upside-down sleep schedule. It's a very unhealthy diet.
Personally, I'm a huge proponent of natural consequences. She doesn't wake up in time? That's on her. She gets up late and gets to school late. The entire family doesn't have to buy into her nonsense. She doesn't turn in paperwork in time? That's on her. She suffers the consequences. It may be inconvenient for you as parents, but eventually it will sink in. Don't keep enabling her poor decisions and behavior. If there is a rule in the household by which she doesn't abide, there should be a reasonable consequence for not following it. Teen years are rough, but unless she has diagnosed emotional/behavioral issues, being consistent is the key. Don't keep stepping in to resolve her bad decisions.
Ultimately, you know your daughter better than any of us on this forum. Given what you have told us, it sounds as though your daughter lacks order and structure, and consequences from her actions.
What needs to happen is a "reset" of her life. A new routine, a new meal plan, a new outlook on life, a new set of goals, etc. She needs to come to this conclusion, however, so that, not only do changes occur, but they are sustained.
It is important to remain calm and level headed when dealing with her, which may not be easy to do. Make sure she knows that she is loved and wanted.
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