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Ive been trying to debate rather or not I'm going to be able to live with the way my girlfriend disciplines her 10 year old son or rather doesn't discipline him. We've been together for 3 years now. She got a new job and is on call 3 days out of the week and 1 or 2 of those nights she may have to stay overnight so I stay at her place to look after him and make sure he gets on the school bus the next morning.
Supposedly he was diagnosed with adhd a year ago and is now taking riddilin(sp?). I'm not an advocate of giving kids drugs since I feel like every other child is diagnosed with it these days but the night and day difference between him taking it and not is astounding to say the least. He's genuinely a good kid but he has his mom fooled and sometimes idk if she is legitimately fooled or she just pretends to be. Sometimes she treats him as if he is mentally handicapped and sometimes he acts like he's dumb but he isn't at all.
First he's 10 and has a smart phone with no parental block. I noticed last night he had been in his room a while so at dinner I asked him what he had been doing and supposedly he has been talking to a 12 year old girl nicknamed darkness on roblox. My girlfriend got him a phone in case of emergencies. I told her he didn't need a smartphone because of all the crap he could get into. Why not a flip phone with no internet access? Well of course me not being a parent I have no idea what I'm talking about. I told her about the girl on roblox so we'll see where that goes.
He has absolutely no responsibilities around the house. He takes a shower, leaves the floor wet and leaves his towel on the floor. Leaves empty bottles around the house. Comes in from school throws his jacket and backpack on the floor when the hanger is right there for it. She has told him quite a few times to stop this but if there are no consequences of course it isn't going to sink in. Her discipline is taking away his phone while still being able to play switch. Sometimes he gets an attitude and talks back and sometimes she'll say something and sometimes she won't. She isn't consistent with any kind of discipline. Just a few nights ago I told him to get a shower and I know for a fact he just went in there, turned the shower on and made it seem like he was. I know he didn't because as soon as I heard the shower turn off he walked out the door with his clothes on. Hair dry.
If you try to play a game with him snd he loses he gets upset and literally will cry if he loses too much.
There is more but feel this is enough you can catch the drift. I can't discipline him so I feel like there is nothing I can do about it. It's probably a good thing I can't discipline him because he wouldn't have any electronics for the rest of the year after what I've witnessed.
If I brought this up to her I know for a fact it would turn into a fight so what am I supposed to do?
You say you can't discipline him, but surely you can ask him to put his back pack away, and pick up his wet towels, etc.
I was a single mom to two boys, one of them with ADHD and on the autism spectrum, and I found that with manners such as "Please pick up your towel and put it where it belongs" and "Please put your back pack up so no one steps on it" And then the follow up "Thank yous" usually got the desired results.
Have you talked to your GF about discipline measures? If you haven't, I'd suggest you do. It's of course unfair to you to be expected to watch him, but have your hands tied at the same time. But if you had a calm discussion about it, and rational expectations such as "GF, I will NEVER NEVER NEVER lay a hand on your son, but you and I need to be on the same page about some things if I'm going to be watching him."
I didn't realize how bad the situation was until I started spending the night helping out with him while she was at work. I live an hour away, work 8-5 and would come spend time with them on weekends. We have been talking about possibly moving in together either the end of the year or beginning of next but idk if I can deal with this in a full-time manner.
His dad is a pos and lives in another state. She takes him to his dad's when he gets out of school for the summer and he spends the summer there. Outside of that you never hear from him. He didn't even call during the holidays this year or send any gifts. The main reason she sends him to his dad's is because of his grandma but even she didn't call during the holidays so if it were me, he wouldn't go at all. She has full custody so she isn't legally obligated.
I grew up with great parents so I can't image what it would be like growing up without one so I think a big part of the problem is she is compensating for that. But there has to be a point where you stop treating him like a victim. He thinks highly of his dad since his mom doesn't tell him who he really is which I understand. He'll eventually figure it out on his on. But there have been times where he has said his dad does something better to his mom and it's all I can do not to say anything because it's so disrespectful to her.
We have talked about having our own child but I can already see our disciplinary actions would be completely opposite. I'm not going to have a child running the house disrespecting me. I feel like our child would end up hating me because I'll be the only one disciplining them.
You say you can't discipline him, but surely you can ask him to put his back pack away, and pick up his wet towels, etc.
I was a single mom to two boys, one of them with ADHD and on the autism spectrum, and I found that with manners such as "Please pick up your towel and put it where it belongs" and "Please put your back pack up so no one steps on it" And then the follow up "Thank yous" usually got the desired results.
Have you talked to your GF about discipline measures? If you haven't, I'd suggest you do. It's of course unfair to you to be expected to watch him, but have your hands tied at the same time. But if you had a calm discussion about it, and rational expectations such as "GF, I will NEVER NEVER NEVER lay a hand on your son, but you and I need to be on the same page about some things if I'm going to be watching him."
We both use please and thank you and it doesn't help in the least. Tonight she got home and told him to go get in the shower. Shower had been running for 10 minutes. She had to use the restroom so she goes and knocks on the door, walks in and he hadn't even taken his clothes off yet to get in. Sitting there playing on his phone. So now all the hot water is gone and she can't even take one. Instead of scolding him in anyway, she just says "please get in the shower". Towel on the floor instead of on the hanger.
The more and more I write here the more I think this relationship can't last. I have attempted to talk to her about disciplinary measures and we always end of fighting because like I said, I'm not a parent so I don't know anything.
Ive been trying to debate rather or not I'm going to be able to live with the way my girlfriend disciplines her 10 year old son or rather doesn't discipline him. We've been together for 3 years now. She got a new job and is on call 3 days out of the week and 1 or 2 of those nights she may have to stay overnight so I stay at her place to look after him and make sure he gets on the school bus the next morning.
Supposedly he was diagnosed with adhd a year ago and is now taking riddilin(sp?). I'm not an advocate of giving kids drugs since I feel like every other child is diagnosed with it these days but the night and day difference between him taking it and not is astounding to say the least. He's genuinely a good kid but he has his mom fooled and sometimes idk if she is legitimately fooled or she just pretends to be. Sometimes she treats him as if he is mentally handicapped and sometimes he acts like he's dumb but he isn't at all.
First he's 10 and has a smart phone with no parental block. I noticed last night he had been in his room a while so at dinner I asked him what he had been doing and supposedly he has been talking to a 12 year old girl nicknamed darkness on roblox. My girlfriend got him a phone in case of emergencies. I told her he didn't need a smartphone because of all the crap he could get into. Why not a flip phone with no internet access? Well of course me not being a parent I have no idea what I'm talking about. I told her about the girl on roblox so we'll see where that goes.
He has absolutely no responsibilities around the house. He takes a shower, leaves the floor wet and leaves his towel on the floor. Leaves empty bottles around the house. Comes in from school throws his jacket and backpack on the floor when the hanger is right there for it. She has told him quite a few times to stop this but if there are no consequences of course it isn't going to sink in. Her discipline is taking away his phone while still being able to play switch. Sometimes he gets an attitude and talks back and sometimes she'll say something and sometimes she won't. She isn't consistent with any kind of discipline. Just a few nights ago I told him to get a shower and I know for a fact he just went in there, turned the shower on and made it seem like he was. I know he didn't because as soon as I heard the shower turn off he walked out the door with his clothes on. Hair dry.
If you try to play a game with him snd he loses he gets upset and literally will cry if he loses too much.
There is more but feel this is enough you can catch the drift. I can't discipline him so I feel like there is nothing I can do about it. It's probably a good thing I can't discipline him because he wouldn't have any electronics for the rest of the year after what I've witnessed.
If I brought this up to her I know for a fact it would turn into a fight so what am I supposed to do?
This will never work. And it's going to get worse as he gets older. As for thinking you can wait for him to grow up, it's unlikely he will be out of the house at 18. Maybe never - that's a crapshoot.
The last thing you should do is move in with her. And having a child with her is a poor choice.
You could attempt couples and then family counseling with her before moving forward in your relationship if you feel you can't give her up and have a masochistic streak.
Outside of school, what does he do besides gaming? What are the things about him you like?
I agree there should be parental controls on the phone, but they also need to be used selectively. No one likes to feel like they have no privacy, kids included. I wouldn't flip out about him talking with a 12yo girl from Roblux.
The shower, backpack, not picking up stuff - those are definitely annoying, but fairly standard issues around that age. You both need to be calmly consistent on requiring him to come back and fix it. It doesn't happen overnight, especially with ADHD in the mix. When you are there and she is not, you are the adult in charge, so be firm in your expectations, but not scary.
Catch him being good. When he actually does the things you want him to do without being asked, make a big deal about it. We all want to be seen, and positive feedback really works to get a much better dynamic going.
The crying around game playing/having a tough time losing graciously - again, not that uncommon in kids who still have a very fragile sense of self. It's a sign of being overwhelmed. Ten is a pretty brutal age, other kids can be merciless in teasing and put-downs, and it's possible the ADHD involves behaviors that mark him as a bit "different" at school, so maybe that all plays into it in the background. Be patient and supportive and keep playing games with him. When he calms down, talk with him about how he felt. (I wish I had focused more as a parent on teaching my kids to be able to recognize and sit with/manage their emotions, playing catchup now that they are teenagers. It didn't even occur to me when they were young, I wasn't raised that way, but for our family, it definitely makes a difference)
Go and see a therapist together if you are thinking of moving in. You are not his parent, but you would be assuming some parent-like responsibilities, yet you can't talk to her about it for fear of a fight...that is not a recipe for success. But it doesn't mean things are doomed either. Once you've done that, do some family-focused therapy with the three of you, especially before any more children come into the mix. There are patterns getting established that you need help to break.
Finally, as a parent of a 16yo son with ADHD, the struggles that condition brings are real. It can be hard at times to tease out what is ADHD and what is you just being played, but don't doubt that it does make life harder for him and those who care for him. You have already been around for a good chunk of his existence and have a great opportunity to be a patient, calm, positive ongoing presence in his life. It speaks well of you that you can see there are issues and are looking for answers. I hope you find some.
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