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That being said, hopefully you've preemptively set up firm, yet kind boundaries of your own with your sister. If your mother has failed to set up provisions for your sister, said sister can and will come a-knocking at your door when and if the parental well runs dry.
I haven't talked to my sister in 6 years and as others have stated, this has been going on so long and seems to work for both mom/sister, so very little hope things will change at all until my mother cannot take care of herself and calls on the two of us to take care of her. This is when things will get more interesting.
My mom's mother lived to be 98 and had severe dementia from her mid-80s, progressing to the end, and my mom is almost a genetic clone of her. My mother took care of her and did a good job without having any other responsibilities at that time, and much more stable mentally than my sister. As stated, my mother seems very confident that her suicidal, dysfunctional daughter will relocate down to the big city where we live and be able to manage all things for my mom and her estate. I have requested this be in writing so I am not responsible for any dysfunction.
This is really where my concern lies as she expects us to work together in taking care of her. I have serious doubts my sister can handle that responsibility, being her "primary caregiver" and supposedly managing her team of caretakers.
I haven't talked to my sister in 6 years and as others have stated, this has been going on so long and seems to work for both mom/sister, so very little hope things will change at all until my mother cannot take care of herself and calls on the two of us to take care of her. This is when things will get more interesting.
My mom's mother lived to be 98 and had severe dementia from her mid-80s, progressing to the end, and my mom is almost a genetic clone of her. My mother took care of her and did a good job without having any other responsibilities at that time, and much more stable mentally than my sister. As stated, my mother seems very confident that her suicidal, dysfunctional daughter will relocate down to the big city where we live and be able to manage all things for my mom and her estate. I have requested this be in writing so I am not responsible for any dysfunction.
This is really where my concern lies as she expects us to work together in taking care of her. I have serious doubts my sister can handle that responsibility, being her "primary caregiver" and supposedly managing her team of caretakers.
The mother in this scenario is nearly 80. She's too old to drag into family counseling. And the 41 year old daughter is a grown woman who is too old to be supported by her mommy.
It's dysfunctional, it's unhealthy and, unfortunately, at this late date it is unlikely to change.
There is a snowball's chance in hell of that 41 year old putting up boundaries with her mother. As long as the free money is flowing, she will remain latched on.
Please don’t inject things I didn’t say.
I did not suggest counseling. I suggested the mother put up boundaries.
If she won’t, that’s her problem and the OP should stay out of it for self preservation.
Agree the “child” is too old to be supported but it happens and it’s the reality of their situation. I don’t expect the sister to change at all.
To address the OP’s concern about what happens down the road, nobody had a crystal ball so it’s hard to say. You might choose certain things now that you won’t choose later when something happens, so no need to dwell on it. But you could always put them both on notice about your intentions, whatever that may be, even if the reality is that you may be able to change your mind later.
this one is not regarding my sister directly but my mother just paid $4000 to someone for helping her "block all the holes around her house" so rodents cannot get in. Quick google search reveals alot about scams like this targeting old people. My mother is very ornery and does not want to discuss the possibility of this being a scam.
I guess there's not much I can do if my mom is getting scammed and unwilling to accept the possibility? My grandmother was repeatedly scammed like this when widowed and my dad pulled the plug on her direct financial control.
this one is not regarding my sister directly but my mother just paid $4000 to someone for helping her "block all the holes around her house" so rodents cannot get in. Quick google search reveals alot about scams like this targeting old people. My mother is very ornery and does not want to discuss the possibility of this being a scam.
I guess there's not much I can do if my mom is getting scammed and unwilling to accept the possibility? My grandmother was repeatedly scammed like this when widowed and my dad pulled the plug on her direct financial control.
Just to see if you might be correct, you could contact the Attorney General's Office in your state, and ask them if there is a scam like that circulating. They usually know, and ours lists the current scams circulating on the AG website.
No, there isn't much you can do, unless you do as your dad did. I have followed the thread, but it might be helpful if you could get your mom involved with some other seniors through maybe a senior center, something like that. If she had contacts with other seniors, maybe listening to them and hearing their stories might enlighten her in areas that you cannot.
The title says it. I have a 41 year-old younger sister, my only sibling, that has struggled with self-esteem, depression, has significant learning disabilities, and has been employed for about 5 years of her life. She cannot find work and when she does, she gets fired and has proven to be a poor employee at every opportunity. She feels sorry for herself like no one I have ever met but absolutely refuses to get professional help, even though my mother offers to do everything she can to provide help.
My mother has an enmeshed relationship with her where they talk almost everyday. These talks almost always include suicide threats which leave my mother paralyzed. She has been supporting her financially for the better part of her adult life even though my sister has a bachelor's degree from a top 25 university and a master's to go with it.
I also feel my sister is spoiled rotten, is extremely entitled to my mother's financial help, and feels many jobs are beneath her. My mother complains to me about her suicide threats and asks me for advice. I tell her to draw a line with her financial support and make it contingent on my sister agreeing to get serious help, but she cannot do it.
Any advice?
Has she threatened it with you. If she does call the cops and give them her address. If she pulls that kind of crap have some consequences.
Has she threatened it with you. If she does call the cops and give them her address. If she pulls that kind of crap have some consequences.
No, because I have not talked to her in 6 years. She only pulls the suicide threats with my mother since she's the one with the $ and susceptible to them. To that point, I would call her bluff in a split second, as would her father. My mom has called the cops and had them do a welfare check in the past.
Not much has changed in 5 months. My sister has been unemployed and 100% living off mother for nearly 2 years now since her last job. I pulled my (divorced) father into the conversation who agrees 100% my mother needs to "cut the cord" and my sister has mom "wrapped around her finger", asked him to get involved and support. Looks like a line has been drawn for cutting the $ this summer but we shall see how my mom is able to stand behind that line. Not too confident on that.
Also the sister was down visiting over the holidays, staying with mom and put her through the wringer to the point she was sick for a week from it. Starting to look like elder abuse so I've contacted the local authorities to get advice.
Tend to your own affairs. This is not your circus, not your monkeys.
apparently it is - there's a thing called "mandated reporting" where anyone involved in my mother's care is obligated by law to report such mental abuse. My advice-seeking discussion with state Elder Care turned into a Sherriff welfare visit for my mom last week.
apparently it is - there's a thing called "mandated reporting" where anyone involved in my mother's care is obligated by law to report such mental abuse. My advice-seeking discussion with state Elder Care turned into a Sherriff welfare visit for my mom last week.
I haven't read this whole thread, but you say your sister has been threatening suicide for 20 years and begging your mother for money. Maybe there's something more to it that constitutes elder abuse, but this sounds more like family drama.
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