Sassy Boy & Discouraged Mom (punishment, spanking, pregnant, toys)
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What do you say to a friend that confides in you & tells you that lately she can't hardly stand to spend time with her son? Advice please! Or should I just let her vent.....?
My girlfriend has a 5 year old son, very bright boy, but very hyper & he argues with most EVERYTHING that she says. As simple as, "Son, go get your shoes & jacket ready so that we can leave soon, please." And his response would be, "I WILL!" In a quite sassy tone, I must admit. He does have a rotten little attitude for a 5 year old.
Both parents are calm, understanding people. They don't give him everything that he wants, but he lives a comfortable life. He is in Kindergarten & even gives teachers at school a hard time. He is in trouble often, but for small things, just alot of small things in one day! Being sassy, being told to stop doing something several times, talking in class (usual, I say!) & just wanting his way. So, if he had a rough day at school he will not get perks, like TV & dessert. But then he will sit in his room & cry about making bad decisions.
ANYWHO, these things are driving my pregnant friend crazy! I am also a mother of a 5 year old boy, but I'm not having these problems, so I'm at a loss of advice for her.
It is becoming consistantly harder for her to have a good time with him because of his sassiness to her, arguing & just plain not listening.
Any input would help! She is not a CD member & I love you guys!!
Sounds like the parents are not being consistent in their punishment because the kid obviously doesn't take them seriously. They need to put their heads together, figure out what punishment is effective (obviously what they're doing is NOT) and then without fail always always apply the punishment consistently and fairly. And for god's sake, the kid should never be able to turn to the other parent and get a different punishment or reaction. Consistency and UNITY of the parents is the KEY.
The kid is testing boundaries, and is not being shown clearly where they lie.
Some sort of reinforcement system, used consistently over time, would help this child in school and at home. Taking away tv and dessert is a good start, but it needs to be connected to specific behaviors, and really needs to be more immediate to be effective. They can build in positive things too.
She can start at home - get a check or a sticker for doing what is asked without comment/argument. This needs to be explained to him in a calm way with examples, so he understands what is expected of him. He can say 'ok', or even 'yes ma'am' when asked to do something as a substitute for what he is doing wrong.
So many stickers = some type of reward - sitting with parents to read an extra book, maybe, or some other special privilege. Doesn't have to be too big, doesn't have to be a material thing (like a toy). Once he gets the hang of it, the stickers themselves are quite reinforcing. In addition to this 'doing without arguing', he can earn stickers for doing everyday things - brushing teeth, getting dressed, putting toys away.
Sounds like the parents are not being consistent in their punishment because the kid obviously doesn't take them seriously. They need to put their heads together, figure out what punishment is effective (obviously what they're doing is NOT) and then without fail always always apply the punishment consistently and fairly. And for god's sake, the kid should never be able to turn to the other parent and get a different punishment or reaction. Consistency and UNITY of the parents is the KEY.
The kid is testing boundaries, and is not being shown clearly where they lie.
Punishment to them depends on how severe the crime is.
If he mildly gets in trouble at school he won't get simple things like dessert or playing with the neighbors kids. Same with if he doesn't listen to them at a mild degree.
If it's a step up from mild, then TV, dessert & any other extra fun activities will be taken away, including all toys.
If he has a really rough day, at school or with them, then he is in his room with books only.
If he has more than one rough day in a row then he is in his room only with books, PLUS will get his butt whooped.
I have seen them give him trashbags & make him put ALL of his toys in them to be put away until behavior improves. They seem to keep their foot down to me. I know I'm a bit more of a softy with my son, but nothing seems to phase him.
If he gets spanked, 15 minutes later he's hopping around like nothing ever happened.
Some sort of reinforcement system, used consistently over time, would help this child in school and at home. Taking away tv and dessert is a good start, but it needs to be connected to specific behaviors, and really needs to be more immediate to be effective. They can build in positive things too.
She can start at home - get a check or a sticker for doing what is asked without comment/argument. This needs to be explained to him in a calm way with examples, so he understands what is expected of him. He can say 'ok', or even 'yes ma'am' when asked to do something as a substitute for what he is doing wrong.
So many stickers = some type of reward - sitting with parents to read an extra book, maybe, or some other special privilege. Doesn't have to be too big, doesn't have to be a material thing (like a toy). Once he gets the hang of it, the stickers themselves are quite reinforcing. In addition to this 'doing without arguing', he can earn stickers for doing everyday things - brushing teeth, getting dressed, putting toys away.
This sounds nice! Like a board system.
I know at his school they have a color system & get rewarded for staying on a specific color all week.
And she bought him a new fancy shirt he wanted for having a super good day at school last week, but at home would be a good thing, too!
I know I'm a bit more of a softy with my son, but nothing seems to phase him.
If he gets spanked, 15 minutes later he's hopping around like nothing ever happened.
I still think it's because they haven't found a punishment that works on that particular child. Some kids don't respond to a spanking, or to denial of privileges. My son was one of them -- he just plain didn't care what I took away, and didn't obey to a spanking either. The only thing that worked for him was making him sit still facing the wall in one spot without anything to amuse himself, no talking, no watching tv, no reading...nothing. Get up, and the timer starts over again until you complete your time at the wall. Now, with my other child, the mere threat of a spanking was enough to keep the peace.
What do you say to a friend that confides in you & tells you that lately she can't hardly stand to spend time with her son? Advice please! Or should I just let her vent.....?
My girlfriend has a 5 year old son, very bright boy, but very hyper & he argues with most EVERYTHING that she says. As simple as, "Son, go get your shoes & jacket ready so that we can leave soon, please." And his response would be, "I WILL!" In a quite sassy tone, I must admit. He does have a rotten little attitude for a 5 year old.
Both parents are calm, understanding people. They don't give him everything that he wants, but he lives a comfortable life. He is in Kindergarten & even gives teachers at school a hard time. He is in trouble often, but for small things, just alot of small things in one day! Being sassy, being told to stop doing something several times, talking in class (usual, I say!) & just wanting his way. So, if he had a rough day at school he will not get perks, like TV & dessert. But then he will sit in his room & cry about making bad decisions.
ANYWHO, these things are driving my pregnant friend crazy! I am also a mother of a 5 year old boy, but I'm not having these problems, so I'm at a loss of advice for her.
It is becoming consistantly harder for her to have a good time with him because of his sassiness to her, arguing & just plain not listening.
Any input would help! She is not a CD member & I love you guys!!
My guess is she needs to take a good look in the mirror.
This sounds nice! Like a board system.
I know at his school they have a color system & get rewarded for staying on a specific color all week.
And she bought him a new fancy shirt he wanted for having a super good day at school last week, but at home would be a good thing, too!
A fancy new shirt for a single good day? Okay, I think perhaps they spoil him too. Purchasing a gift for your child for one ONE GOOD DAY at school is ridiculous. That would be a reward for perhaps a MONTH of good school.
Now it's sounding like he's spoiled as well as undisciplined.
[quote=ZugZub;6309112]A fancy new shirt for a single good day? Okay, I think perhaps they spoil him too. Purchasing a gift for your child for one ONE GOOD DAY at school is ridiculous. That would be a reward for perhaps a MONTH of good school.
Now it's sounding like he's spoiled as well as undisciplined.[/QUOTE,]
He IS disciplined. Like I said, I too am a mother of a 5 year old. My son responds differently to the same sort of discipline that she gives her son.
This kid hardly EVER gets new things & mostly because he is always sassy at school & at home. So, for him to get compliments on how kind & good he was at school on that day from his teachers is a blue moon kinda' thing. So, so was the shirt. She had been hanging onto it for a while, waiting for an opportunity to show him that he gets rewarded for good behavior.
I don't think he is spoiled at all & I am with the family weekly & we talk daily.
And I see her trying really hard to be patient while in the process of discipline, but she will come to the end of her rope & get loud with him.
I understand that she is wanting to be a great parent for her son & child on the way. Honestly, I think she plays drill sergeant sometimes!
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