Difficult raising boys (bullying, punishment, teaching, support)

[raising3boys]

People always say that it is so much harder raising girls. I am beginning to think that raising kids in today's world is just plain DIFFICULT.

Today, we started Christmas break early with my middle son. He got suspended. It was a very difficult phone conversation when he called to tell me. I am a teacher and hearing that he got in a fight was beyond my comprehension basically.

A little background. my middle son has never been in trouble, maintains straight A's and plays sports. He really is an easy going good kid.

Being the do "gooder" got him in trouble. A boy has been been messing ( by the end of the conversation at school it was labeled bullying) with my son. We told him to just ignore the kid and all that. My son has come home twice with PE clothes on because at lunch the kid spilled soda on him one time and the other ketchup. N is our mediator. He always tries to do the right thing and didn't want to "tattle" and be made fun of basically for telling.

Well today, it caught up with him. The other kid finally stepped over the line and first said some derogatory racial comments ( my son is part Mexican) and then the kid slapped my son. ( This was documented by witnesses and they all said that it had been going on awhile.)

The vice-principal of course gave both the boys out of school suspension. Found out later this evening the other kid had been suspended several times before.

Part of me can't believe that I am dealing with this being a teacher and part of me feels like I need to come down hard.

But then, there is the other side of me that says... " You know what enough is enough. He did the right thing and people can't push you around." Boys usually target boys who DO NOT stand up for themselves. This is reality.

My dh and I did not punish our son. My dh told the principal that he did not agree with the suspension and she got basically irrate because she said it is zero tolerance for violence. My dh tried to expain that in reality she didn't punish the kids because they got an early Christmas break.

I could tell the conversation wasn't going to go anywhere. The only thing she said was...

N needs to tell me when the other boy is "picking or bothering him".

Well dh said to me in the car ...There is an unwritten rule...

GUYS do not do that. You will definelty be pushed around even more.

Ugh...

Sorry this is long. Its just I have three boys and my oldest-17 never had to go through this. We lived in SC and never even had to deal with the race issue. I am hoping this was just an isolated incident with the other kid. I don't want to believe in my heart of hearts that it was just because him being Mexican. I truly believe it was because he is one of the quiet kids that always does the right thing.

What do you tell your boys that have been in a fight? Did you and your dh/SO agree on how it was handled?

[maciesmom]

I totally support how you've handled this - you might want to check out the thread on standing up for yourself....I've told my kids (boy and girl) that they by all means should stand up for themselves. If they have tried all else (and it sounds like your son put up with it for quite some time) then if it comes to that then fine. If they get suspended we will support them. OTOH, if we EVER find out they threw the first punch they will be in more trouble from us than the school...I agree that once certain kids find out that other kids won't defend themselves they are "marked" not to mention (especially for boys I think) the shame that comes with not standing up for themselves.

[crazyme4878]

My boys are only 6 and 2, so I'm not even close to having to deal with this, but I have thought about the issue a lot. If it was me, I wouldn't punish him. Afterall, you son seems to have shown great restraint in the past--he knows that violence isn't the first action to turn toward. I think your husband is right--your son will get a lot more respect (potentially) from the other boys now (but not necessarily the bully). I would leave it up to your husband...well, make him be the one talking to your son about the incident.

My only concern is making sure your son knows what he is going to do next time the bully approaches him.

[runrgirl]

Our society today does not let men be men. They are trying to turn our sons into puss--s. Your son did the right thing by standing up for himself. Sounds like the other kid needed his butt kicked. Maybe he'll keep his mouth shut now and quit being such an bully. All this political correct crap is bull. There is alway going to be violence no matter what as humans are aggressive in nature and there will always be conflict. It doesn't sound like there was any serious injuries. Your son did nothing wrong the school is wrong.

[summers19]

As my previous posts suggest, I too, have a difficult time raising my two boys to stand up for themselves without also being aggressive for no apparent reason. It's definitely not a black and white issue. There are so many gray areas that leave too much room for misinterpretation.
My five year old just got into an issue at his private kindergarten last week for standing up for himself regarding a lego that was taken away from him.
It's definitely a PROCESS in teaching them assertiveness and standing up for themselves. They are not going to learn it over night, or even over the course of one school year. I'm afraid it's a trial and error sort of learning process.

[5kingsinvegas]

As a teacher also, I understand why the school suspended both of them. However, while they may have a zero tolerance policy, your son did the right thing.

My daughter was being bullied by a boy in one of her classes. She finally stood up to him and they both got detention for disrupting the class. When I told the teacher what had been going on he pretty much told me the same thing, "she should have come to him". Well, most kids, especially middle school ones, do not tattle.

[cdc3217]

The principal shouldn't have said that bit about it's not really a punishment...its vacation early - come on! If they have to enforce zero tolerance, then fine. This is the result. You end up punishing the bully and the "victim". That bit bothers me a great deal, because its letting the school off the hook for having a policy that is flawed, and then don't want to own up to the fact that A)its flawed but the best they can do, or B) it needs to be fixed.

Also, what did your son get suspended for? Being in a fight? Your account doesn't include him fighting back at all. Did he?

[akck]

Did your son win the fight?

I agree that you shouldn't punish your son for defending himself. If your son won or held his own in the fight, he may have solved any future bullying problems. I think most bullies are cowards, picking on others who they think are weaker. I'd suggest that if this bully bothers your son again, that he make a big scene out of it. He should in a loud voice say things such as, "I'd appreciate it if you'd stay away from me so you don't get into trouble again," or "I don't like the racist comments you're making," or other relevant comment. He should also be prepared to defend himself again.

I think the vice principal was right to suspend both because of their stupid zero tolerance policy, but the punishment need not have been equal. I don't know why they don't understand that these policies favor the bullies. The honest students don't want to get into trouble and the bullies don't care..

[crazyme4878]

I actually don't have a problem with both parties getting suspended--I think it actually helps the OP's position. As parents of boys (well, all children), we are charged with teaching them how to walk the line between unwarrented aggression and standing up for oneself/one's beliefs. It seems to me that the OP's son knows not to resort to agression immediately (or is naturally passive) and now he is exploring the other side of that invisable line. The school's punishment is equal in many ways to what happens in the adult world. The son can now feel the satisfaction of standing up to the bully while continuing to be reminded that even if you feel you are totally in the right, there are still ramifications for the use of any force against another.

To the OP--I hope my sons turn out much like how you have described your son. It sounds like you and your husband have done a great job so far. Trust your instinct in the end.

[rockinmomma]

As long as my boys follow the three rules of fighting; they will not be punished.

1 Do not hit a girl
2 Do not throw the first punch
3 Do not beat us someone smaller than you.... just because you can.