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My middle school daughter has a guy friend who she has been good friends with since kindergarten. They went to different schools for several years but were close buddies K - 2nd grade and picked it right back up when they reconnected in middle school.
He has always been a bit of a free-spirit - played with dolls long after the other boys stopped, wears clothes that are pretty unique, enjoys the school musicals and knows more show tunes than any adult I have ever met...
As we know, middle schoolers are not the kindest crowd and this guy has become the victim of plenty of verbal bullying about being "gay". For the past couple of years, my daughter ignored or vehemently denied it but now she just says "who cares if he is" when the subject comes up. They really have a true friendship and she hates seeing him made fun of.
This is a hard situation to watch unfold. I think my daughter is learning a lot about what it means to really be a good friend. I'm not sure what I'm asking here, but does anyone have any advice or experience that might help?
I think she's got the right attitude with the "Who cares if he is" ideal. For her to not make a big deal of it is definitely the right way to go. As far as the bullying goes, that is something that he probably needs to stand up to for himself. She can talk to people aside about how they need to leave him alone.. but that may actually hurt more than help.
Your daughter sounds like a true friend. I wish there were more kids out there who knew how to be advocates for their friends, instead of falling in line with the status quo.
Kudos to her for standing up for what's right.
I can't believe this sort of bullying still goes on. By middle school, kids know what gay is, and should know better than to bother gay students. Maybe it depends on where you live. When I was in high school in the late 80s, there was a guy who everyone thought was gay, so people talked behind his back. But to my knowledge, he was never bullied. Incidentally, he's now married and has kids. But a popular guy on the football, who nobody suspected, is gay. Most of the people from HS who are gay, nobody knew at the time.
If the boy is more feminine, he's going to have more issues, unfortunately. All your daughter can really do is be there for him. My experience was that by high school, people had more of a "live and let live" attitude. In middle school, kids were more cruel to anyone outside the norm.
I would commend your daughter for being such a good friend. It shows strong charachter that she goes against the grain & values true friends! (Good Job Mom). It is obvious she enjoys his friendship and it is worth protecting despite the taunting she may hear from other kids for being his friend.
Maybe even suggest that she diffuse heated bullying & gossip situations by spreading her wonderful "who cares" attitude. If Suzy so and so brings up her gay friend in conversation -maybe suggest your daughter turn the tables and say something like "I can't believe you still think thats a big deal-it's 2009-get over it". Ok-so maybe not that exact thing, but you know what I mean.
As far as dealing with the boys picking on the gay boy-thats a little trickier. That is something your daughter may not be able to do much about. It is something that her friend will have to deal with himself. If my son were gay- the only problem I would have with it, is him dealing with the judgement of others.
All that being said- I find this situation hard to imagine. At my son's middle school -Gay is the new black! Not only do kids "just know" that gay is gay and that you cannot pick on these people (NOT SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE)- some kids act gay to get attention cause its the latest rage. Yeah, I don't get that either!!
I totally agree that you would think that this shouldn't be an issue, but it is. Probably not as bad as it was several years ago, but there is still an undercurrent - especially here in the conservative south. Unfortunately, like most ignorance, it seems to start in some homes. I have even overheard parents make some comments about this boy that are unnecessary. "Do you think Joey is gay?" Arrrggghhhhh - who cares!?!
The other unique thing about this friendship is that my daughter and this boy don't really share any friends in common. This fellow hangs out with some of the "fringy" kids (my daughter's word) and my daughter hangs out with her smart, teacher's-pet, cute girl friends. Their circles don't really overlap and yet they sit together everyday on the bus and in their foreign language class. They really are a lesson in how friendships can blossom even among different cliques in school if kids are willing to go with their heart in choosing their friends.
I am hoping high-school is a positive force in this guy's life. I think he and my daughter will separate as he will most likely attend a magnet school for performing arts. She'll worry about him, I know...
I'm not sure what I'm asking here, but does anyone have any advice or experience that might help?
Help what? She has a friend who MAY be gay. She's a friend! And I imagine he appreciates that. Leave it at that. One good t hing. If they go somewhere at night when they get older, at least you know your daughter won't be hit on!
Other than continue to be his friend, I don't think there is much she can do. Middle school is a nasty time no matter who you are. I think high school is much better and more open about sexual identitiy - at least that's what I see in my kids' HS. It doesn't seem to be that big of a deal.
As a teen I dealt with friends coming out and accepting who they were. I think the best advice for teens is to surround yourself with people who accept you and who stand by you - whether you're being teased for being a geek, a loser, gay, etc. I'd encourage her to stand by her friend with confidence and also not push the issue. ("So are you gay?") I'd also remind her not to gossip at all about her opinions, unless the friend has clearly stated them to her. I think she'll find by being confident in herself and who she is friends with, a few others will come on board and maybe a nice group of kids can evolve out of it.
Obviously no one here is from Oklahoma. Well maybe in Tulsa or OKC there wouldn't be many problems but where I live (Read VERY RURAL Oklahoma) it would be a problem. It still isn't socially acceptable in Oklahoma to be openly gay. Personally I don't have a problem with it and as far as I know my daughters wouldn't either. As far as I am concerned it is one of those fact of life kinda things. Good luck and congratulations to you for doing such a good job with your daughter.
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