Need an outside voice on this (step-mom, child support, divorced, autism)

[Severs]

i need some outside advice on a decision i have made, probably wont change my point of view on the matter, and its kind of the reverse of the thread area, as it is going from the son (me) to a supposed father

i have at the age of 19 disowned my "father" whom from this point i will refer to by Jack, reasons for this are he left my mother when i was 11, when we moved here to PA he kept in touch with us for about 6 months untill after his visitation at xmas, then he vanished off the face of the planet for 3 or 4 years, child support more off than on with paying, untill 9/11 happened (i lived at the time about 10 miles away from the crash site in Shanksville) and he all of a sudden calls, which come to find out was largly brought on by his current gf, tries to buy our love back that xmas, litterally... in total id say he spent about $400 on me and my two brothers that xmas.. then invited us over again the following summer.. then when i was done with high school he invited me to live with him, me missing the person whom was my father decided to go with it so i might make up for lost time, well turns out it was a bad decision on my part, me being 18 still got grounded for stupid stuff (such as the dogs urinating on the floor when they got home, which was the result of 2 puppies being left at home alone for 6 hours), he had gotten me a job at the plant where he worked, which the ride situation was he would take me to work as i got placed on his shift in a different part of the plant, well he got moved to another shift, had to get a ride from someone else and that lasted 2 weeks because that guy no longer wished to help (even tho i wasnt even a mile out of the way) and needless to say i lost the job, next job i had was working at radio shack for holiday help and when i lost that job i was given an ultimatum... one week to find a job (which i would have no ride to most likely i had to walk 2 miles in the snow to radio shack) or i was kicked out, well i ended up back with my mom and i even tried being sociable with him then, then it came around time for my mother to get a bit more in child support, he vanished and quit his job (and yes we have confirmation he quit and was not fired) my mother was unable to work at the time as my one brother has autism and she needed to be available to go to the school if nessacary to get him if he became violent which he has done, no one would hire her under this condition so the child support was the only real income coming into the house, and since i finally realize whom he really was, and that if not for the help of my mother's parents and the government, me and my brothers would have been homeless, and pretty much left for dead by this person whom was supposed to be a loving and caring father, so ive disowned him, cuz honestly with a father like that, theres not much of a need for enemies, i mean for 2 years of his first vanishing act there was no child support, and the ohio child support system either couldnt or wouldnt find him, and now (through a bit of investigating) weve come to find that his last vanishing act has him living in missouri (found by a phone number) in fact the number has him pinpointed in jackson city and the reason we have this number is because he caught wind that i am soon going to be a father and wants to talk to me, so he gave his number to be given to me to call him, i have his msn screen name so if i chose i could talk to him on there, but at this point im at a loss for what i should do, part of me wants to just stay silent and leave well enough alone, and another part of me wants to talk to him and then rub all the above in his face if he asks about being a grandfather, so far the nicer side of me has won and ive kept silent, but there is always that urge to talk and be mean what do you all think about it?

[regarese]

I've been through the disowning of a parent-me and my mother. I will tell you that it takes a lot, and I mean A LOT of energy to maintain that level of anger for a long time. It can be draining-mostly because all of the time and energy you put into being and staying angry doesn't fix the hurt. Talking to your father may not fix the hurt either, but it will probably make you feel better to get it out and make him talk to you about it. I have a step-brother who I think feels a lot of the same toward his father (my step-father) and hasn't talked to his father in 10+ years. A lot of it could have been resolved with an honest and open discussion though, but he never wanted to give his dad the opportunity to discuss his version of what transpired.

You're about to become a dad, and you're going to find out really fast there is no handbook, and it is hard. We want our parents to be perfect, and expect that they will always know the right thing to do, but they're not and they screw up and it's really hard to forgive them when they do. I'm not trying to defend your dad, because if all of what you said is true, then how he has behaved is really crappy and you have every right to be hurt and angry. What helped me was looking at how my mother was raised, trying really hard to realize that it wasn't all bad, and seeing that she was young and was doing the best she could with what she was taught and knew. She did better than her mother, and I will do better than she did, and hopefully you'll do better than your father.

Good luck to you and your family. I hope it all works out for the best.

[rockinmomma]

The opposite of love is not hate... it is apathy. That is the emotion I have towards my father. I know where he lives, I know how to contact him. I choose not to. My son is 15, and my father has never laid eyes on him. As far as I know, my father hasn't even seen a pic of son.

I too saw my father's true colors when he reappeared when I was 18. My descion had very little to do with anger or meaness, it has to with self preservation.

I do not depend on him for anything. When Son asks about my father, I am matter of fact and non judgemental.

You need to to what you need to do, but whatever you do, if it is done in anger and spite, it will posion you just as much as you want it to posion your father.

[la-meplus3]

I'm sorry to hear about your situation but try not to hold on to the anger, not for your "father" but for yourself and your new family. Try to put it behind you, start your new life fresh and it will probably help you be a really great Dad, since you definitely know what kind you aren't going to be...
I've been on many sides of this situation. The single mom, having to fight for money that my child needs and deserves. From my experiences many men (not all, but many) feel like paying child support is giving money to the mother, and they are very resentful of doing it, and the new wife usually is too. I am now married, and my husband has 2 children from a previous marriage. I write the check and pay the child support every month, it's not hard for me b/c I've been on the other side; I know that my husband loves his boys but there seems to be something very different between a mother's natural instincts and her role in caring for the children and a father's, and I truly believe it is natural. Although a good father should naturally feel the need to support his children and be there for them in many ways, I have seen in time that men seem to be able to detach themselves easier, especially a father who is not living in the home with the children and especially if he has started a new life. My husband, who is 31, went through the same situation with his dad and still to this day is the one who has to reach out to him to keep a relationship. Also, every Christmas card is written and sent from his step-mom. I can tell that my husband is in need of love from his father still and it makes me mad at his father and sad for my husband.
Lastly and most importantly, I've been the child in this situation. My mom and dad divorced when I was a baby. She never received child support from him, mostly b/c she didn't want to have to force anyone to do something that they should want to do. We visited him occasionally as children when he was married and I noticed over the years that the only time he really came around was when he had a woman in his life that he wanted to impress with his wonderful "family". When I became a mother (I have 3 kids now) this started to bother me. I didn't want them to have a part-time grandfather so I distanced us from him. Also, he was an alcoholic and I didn't want my kids to see this. For about 4 years we only saw him during holidays and spoke on the phone every once in a while.The past few holidays we didn't even see him on holidays. One day I got a phone call that he was missing. To make a long story short he was fishing with a friend whom he had known about 2 weeks. They had a boating accident and the friend could not swim, he gave his life saving her, used every bit of his strength until he had none left for himself. He was a really great and caring person and proved it in the end. He wasn't the greatest Dad, but did the best that he knew how. I've learned a lot about his childhood since and he didn't have a good father figure either. Now that I look back I really regret distancing from him because even though I was protecting my children from what I went through, all of those reasons seemed minor after he was gone. Especially since my 2 youngest can't even remember him and I have pictures of my oldest with him and none of the other two. I promise, the regrets are not worth it.
Your reasons for being angry are very very real, believe me I understand. But you are going to be a wonderful father and possibly an even better one because of it. Just live your life as happily as possible, if you are happy every one around you will be too. If possible, accept people for who they are, forgive and forget. Or at least just forget and focus on you and your new baby!
Good Luck, congrats on the new life, and Happy New Year

[sevenboyds]

My husband always says that holding a grudge is like taking poison and hoping the other person will die. Don't contact him if you don't want to, but do yourself a favor and try to let go of the anger.
Congrats on the new life.

[Poltracker]

Stop being angry and hold up a mirror. You are not a child any longer, you are an adult. You can have whatever relationship with your father you want, but step back and take a look at yourself. If you were working at a plant it was probably a good job. You were living with your father so it would appear that you probably had income to buy your own ride and solve your own problem. You went back to live with your mom and complain there was no income to support the family. Were you working and paying rent to Mom or otherwise contributing financially to the household? Now you are expecting a child but do not mention marriage or a job or having your own place. Remember, the decisions YOU make in life are your responsibility and not the responsibility of your father. While your father was no star and does deserve some anger from you. Do not make the mistake of blaming him for your unhappiness.

[Severs]

its not that im angry with him anymore, its more i would like to say something to him in hopes it would wake him up and maybe he would start being more in the lives of my brothers, i dont really care about myself anymore with him, he has screwed up the father son relationship with me, but even now with my mother who does have a job now, my brothers arent getting quite the medical attention they need, and its not really my mother's fault, she works as a web designer for a magazine, but with the bills, electric, gas, car insurance, phone, house, internet (and yes that is nessacary cuz she works from home so she can be on call if my one brother gets violent at school) and food, she doesnt have enough money to go around, both of my brothers are in need of new hearing aids, and a visit to the dentist, and she makes barely too much for help from welfare and again jack is no longer paying child support, nor providing the health care as he should, im not angry with him, ive forgiven him for messing up long ago because its made me who i am, but he still has two other kids that he needs to support

and poltracker, no i did not have a job back then, i was unable to find a good one that would last for more than a week before it was over again, then itd be 3 months again without a job till the agency found me another and i couldnt get a stable job because i still did not have my drivers liscence, and i dont know how it is around you be around me they found some excuse not to hire me becuase i didnt have one, whether it was mcdonalds or walmart or some other local grocery store, and right now we do have our own place, i have a job, and no we are not yet married, we are still surviving and plan on doing so with our coming child, i am not unhappy, nor do i blame him for much of anything except from before where me and my brothers could have become homeless because he chose not to pay support to his children, and as i have stated ive forgiven him for that because its made me who i am today, normally i dont even think about him, hadnt really for years till i was told he wanted to speak to me about 2 months ago the only real reason for me doing this rant is i was on the computer late last night and noticed him logging in on his phone, nothing was said but i figured id get every one's take on this matter and get an opinion about it

[la-meplus3]

What is wrong with the child support system there? It should be up to them to force him to pay support for the younger siblings plus part of medical. Here if you are on any type of government assistance they automatically go after the father for insurance and child support. I hope your mother is staying on the state about that, and she should get any other type of assistance that they qualify for. I have a friend in Texas who just started getting child support for her 14 year old, and has been trying for about 7 years. That is ridiculous. I know it is much harder when the father lives in a different state, but be don't let her give up, hopefully eventually she and the children will get the support you all deserve plus back support. Good Luck!

[Severs]

problem with the support system is there are three states involved, PA where my mother and brothers are, Ohio where the divorce was finalized and they should be the ones trying to get after him, and Missouri where he now lives (which if i remember the divorce papers correctly he should not be there right now because he is supposed to let my mother know where he goes if he goes out of state) and there is a warrant out for his arrest but thats from ohio, and i think my mother has already informed them he is now living in missouri, its just a constant loop for her

[LynnePatrice]

Sadly it is totally up to him if he wants to get more involved with your brothers and your new baby.

I am going through the same thing right now. It stinks when you have a parent who really doesn't seem to care about what is going on in your life at all.

Good luck.